Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Word to My Trust Fund

I’m walking in New York’s Upper East Side. I pass a bunch of white kids in a circle rapping and beat boxing. In the rap world that’s called a cypher. Now there’s nothing too strange about white kids rapping. But these were like prep school, Abercrombie wearing, trust fund having types. Half of them were girls. They kind of looked like an a capella group gone wild. I think I counted 6 Navy Pea coats and 4 pairs of Dockers. Eminems they were not. You gotta love Hip Hop.

Funny... you’ll never see a bunch of black guys in wife beaters and Du-Rags playing hacky sack.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

With This Ring I Thee Dead

A wedding is the ultimate killer of rocky relationships. A couple that attends a wedding can’t help but look at each other and ask “Maybe us?” If the answer is yes, then someone is going to start dropping hints. If the answer is “Hell to the Naw”, then cue the fat lady. Why am I wasting my time with this guy/girl... If I want to assemble my family and have them do the Cha-Cha and Electric Slide, I better find someone who I can meet at the altar.

The saddest part of a break-up:
When both people exhale and calmly talk about all the shit that’s been on their minds in a non-confrontational way. All the shit that had been getting in the way. All the shit that if had been discussed while you were together...you would still be together. Ain’t that a kick in the head. Handle your shit before it handles you.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Air Plain Blues

It’s hard to be original on any airplane topic so this blog entry will just have to fall short on originality. I just got off a plane and once again I was sitting on the side with absolutely no view. I fly into NYC once a month but somehow I see Manhattan from the sky once every 2 years.

Pilot: If you look out on the left side of the airplane you’ll see Jesus and Santa Claus on a sleigh being powered by flying reindeer...well that or the grace of God (chuckle, chuckle)

Pilot: And for those of you on the right side, Dwayne’s side. If you look closely into your window, and don’t breath out too hard, you may be able to see your own reflection.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Hunger for the Arts

I recently went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC. I don’t know why but I always seem to go to museums on a completely empty, haven’t eaten in six hours, stomach. It makes for interesting viewing. It’s hard to focus or enjoy anything because you can hardly stand-up. And forget about reading the little plaques next to the art works. My friend couldn’t understand why I spent 20 minutes looking at a painting of a woman holding a sandwich. She’s all “That’s not even a part of the exhibit! It’s just a sign for the cafeteria.” And I’m all “Let’s check out what fine art they have in the Cafeteria.” The answer, of course, was none and the more devastating news...the cafeteria was closed.

“That guy must really be moved by Van Gogh’s work...look, he fainted!”

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Best Gig Ever

I recently did a show with a friend of mine. He set up the gig and I was just happy for the extra change. We get to the gig to find out it’s outside at a fair and they are kids running around all over the place. Doing a stand-up comedy show outside, at a fair with little kids running around is like swimming in pirana infested water with rocks in your trunks. The rides and games were all going on during the show. I had to scream “Thank you! Good Night!!” at the end of my set to let people know I was done and they should stop playing skee-ball for a second and clap.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

But I Play one on TV

An old college buddy of mine recently emailed me with an odd admission. A few years back I was in a GE commercial where I played a doctor who goes to Africa with a portable ultrasound machine and helps the natives in need of high tech western medicine. I actually did go to Africa for a week. An amazing experience indeed. It was a touching commercial, 1 minute long and ran during the ‘02 winter Olympics. It seems my buddy from college saw that commercial and thought I was a real doctor. Not happy with his job at that time and inspired by the fact that an old buddy had become a doctor he decided right then to go into medicine and now he’s in med school. Good thing I wasn’t in a commercial for the circus he might be walking the high wire for pennies. I guess GE does bring good things to life.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Boys in the Hood

I was recently doing an IBM photo shoot. Not Bragging that’s just my life. We had a break and I walk out in my IBM business casual attire and see the rapper The Game hanging out right outside of the studio. I gave The Game a slight nod. I didn’t want to come off as a groupie. Sure, he sold 4 million copies of his Album but... I’m doing an IBM photo shoot. My face may be noticeable in next week’s Business Week. Clearly we are peers in this showbiz game.

I call my girlfriend to tell her and just then Tyrese, the singer/actor, pulls up. Some kind of baller convention and I wasn’t invited? Must be an over sight right? But anyway I’m here now where I should be. Platinum recording artists/ Big time movie actors and me Mr. Featured Background player in a photo shoot. My girl says Tyrese is sexy. Didn’t need to hear that. Then she asks what kind of car he’s driving. In my mind I said “Your man drives a Saturn. That’s all you need to worry about!!” but what I actually said was “I think a Bentley” I’m sure driving a hundred thousand dollar car made him a lot less “sexy” in her eyes.

After a few minutes the actor Lorenze Tate pulls up. I’m fighting the good fight trying to not look phased by all the Big Willie-ism surrounding me or by Tyrese wearing on his neck what I made all of last year.

At this point the food lady comes out and offers me a lemon Icee. I accepted without even thinking about it. I mean Luigi Icees are delicious. So the picture is The Game, Tyrese and Lorenze Tate with their respective factions (factions: nice word for posse). Several posse members are passing around a joint. They’re tatted up and have bandanas, wife beaters and Jerzees on. I’m standing not 10 feet away in my IBM business casual uniform eating an Icee. And it was only at that moment that I realized how tubular and phallic the Icee was. I have never felt less cool or less masculine. Good thing the Icee wasn’t rainbow flavored. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Dogtown Poser

I’m walking along Hermosa Beach. Some teenagers skateboard by with battery powered skateboards. Each skateboard motor is attached to a long wire that I’m guessing controls acceleration. A couple is walking in front of me. The guy looks like a thirty something professional (accountant or maybe nurse practitioner.) The women says “Cool! Check out those skateboards” The guy instantly replies “I have one, except mine is wireless” I would bet my lunch money that this guy can’t even skateboard let alone operated a wireless remote supped up board. I just hope that when they got home she asked him to see the skateboard. Lucky for him there weren’t some guys out there break dancing or walking on glass or eating fire. Pretending to be the man can be dangerous...

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Second Hand Dance

I dropped off some stuff at Goodwill today. One man’s junk is another man’s junk. Except the second guy pays for it. I usually don’t condone this sort of thing but I think it would be great to steal from the goodwill. Don’t get your pants in a bunch. I’m not saying take from the needy. It’s a two-parter. After you steal it you come back and “donate” it.

Goodwill guy: That’s odd. This is the second pair of leather skinned, leopard color MC Hammer pants we got in this week.

You: That’s weird. You know there were only three of these made in the whole world. What are the odds?! Maybe you should play Lotto tonight...Oh Yeah...Make that Tax deduction form out to...

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Where Are My Roots?

Here’s an excerpt from a conversion I recently overheard in a Los Angeles coffee shop. Both women were white.

Women 1: I bet you were Asian-Pacific in your past life
Women 2: Actually I think I was black in my previous life.
Women 1: What makes you say that?
Women 2: People always say I was black in my previous life.

Is this something that comes up often? Always? Has guessing what someone was in a previous life become the new “What’s your sign?” I envy anyone who lives in a city where this conversation would have NOT been normal.

“In my previous life I was a Persian Virgo with a moon rising in Gemini.”
“Oh, that’s why we get along so well!”

Monday, June 27, 2005

Not You Again

I’m riding in my homey Dan’s car. At a red light we look over and see some friends. Now, one kinda cool thing that happens in LA from time to time is that you see people you know in traffic. It’s actually not that random or special but your mind always tells you something cosmic just happened. So we exchange pleasantries and bask in the unlikelihood of our chance encounter. The light turns green and both cars drive off. We proceeded to be right next to them at the next 9 lights. We couldn’t drive 2 blocks without hitting a light. The first 3 lights we looked over and nodded. Remember us from 3 blocks ago. After that it got real awkward and uncomfortable. I would say we bordered on being hostile. We even considered turning to avoid them but we had already told them where we were going. By light number nine we avoided them like a man avoids looking at a mother breast feeding. You try so hard not to look that you draw more attention to the thing than if you would just look. I guess familiarity does breed contempt.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Straight eye for the queer profession

I flew Southwest from LAX to Vegas. Southwest is so low budget the male flight attendant was not gay. He was like some tatted up bald headed guy named Mel who looked like he was on work release. I guess Southwest just isn’t fierce enough.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Smooth Sailing

The other day I changed in my car ( not too uncommon for the actor on the go) and drove off. While driving I felt like pebbles or something in my pant legs. So, I immediately get the itchies. Is it a bug? Are there hundreds of little peebles or bugs on my legs right now. The mind can play tricks on you and once you’ve got the itchies you really have to take off all your clothes and have a scratching and kicking fit before your mind will feel confident that there is indeed nothing on you and then stop sending the body itch signals. So, I’m driving with the itchies. I only needed a red light so I could: stop, pull down my pants, brush emphatically. In the city of Angels I drove 20 minutes without hitting a red light. Red lights kept turning green on my approach. To other drivers it looked like I was dancing and having a good ole time. In actuality the radio was off and I was having an itching fit. For those of you familiar with Los Angeles. I drove from Sherman Oaks to Korea Town, all side streets, without hitting one red light. I know I could have pulled over at any point but I kept thinking the next corner is going to offer the much coveted red light. So if you’re ever late to work put a cup full of fire ants down your pants.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Suction Function

My dentist tells his assistant to put water in my mouth. She puts a tiny hose in my mouth and the stream of water begins to flow. Ten seconds later he tells her to add suction. So she puts a little vacuum tube in my mouth that begins to suck out the water. Well what is it Doc? Does my mouth need to be wet or dry. Or have you not used your toys in a while? So I’m breathing through my nose while I’ve got the conundrum happening in my mouth. I guess the dentist needed more light because he lifted my upper lip. This blocked my nostrils and forced me to play the hit game show that’s sweeping the country...”How long can you hold your breath” Well, at least for a minute and a half thank you very much. Tell him what he’s won Bob.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Don’t Cry...Dry Your Eye

I was on the downtown 6 train in New York City. A couple sat in the 2-seater bench near the end of the subway car. The woman was crying. The man, trying to console her, pulled out a tissue and went to wipe her eyes. Maybe he was heavy handed or maybe the train jerked but he applied way too much pressure and sent her head banging into the subway wall. Ouch! At least he changed what she was crying about.
“I’m crying because I don’t know where my life is heading...(Ka-Thunk)...I’m crying because my head is throbbing”
I’m sure he felt awful about hitting her head so hard. Maybe she tried to console him.
“It’s okay baby... It’s the thought, not the knot on my head, that counts.”

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Working on the Train Gang

In a span of 10 minutes 3 different groups of young men came on the Subway in NYC and announced they were selling candy to raise money for their high school. These schools really need better funding. Can we really expect these kids to perform well in school and peddle candy? 1 guy was clearly over twenty five. So, obviously the juggling of school and candy sales has forced the poor guy to have to repeat a grade or two or three. Let’s give more to the schools and take back our children’s time. I mean 2 of the guys didn’t even have time to shave. I can only imagine what their lockers look like.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Adventures in Senior Living

There’s a retirement home in Westwood California whose slogan is “Adventures in Senior Living.” Not to be ageist or anything but what adventures do they have in mind. The mad dash to the Jello table? Senior Macarena night? A denture treasure hunt? I’m not saying seniors aren’t vibrant and viable. Hell, they probably still knock boots. I know I plan on mixing it up with my prosthetic hip when the time comes. But when you say Adventures you just remind everyone that they are not adventures. It’s like calling a fat guy skinny. It doesn’t make him feel better. It just reminds him that he’s such a tub-o-lard that people have to go out of their way to say the complete opposite. Or maybe this senior home is serious and run their seniors through an intensive boot camp. Maybe the seniors at Westwood Horizons are the first to go in.

“We do more before the Early Bird special than most retirees do all day!”

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Does the Bus Stop here

As a cool down to a very exhilarating Tae-Bo class (that’s not the joke :-| ), the teacher broke into the Electric Slide. Also known as the Bus Stop. He didn’t really explain it but it was fun watching all the people who didn’t know how to do it fall over themselves. And watching the folks who did know it have so much fun while not helping the others. Okay... it was fun watching the white people completely lost while the Blacks, Latinos and White Girls with braids cut the rug.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

It’s Getting Hot in Here

I did a show for a biblical college last week. Keep it clean young man. The show was in a big banquet hall at a country club. The president of the school prayed for the students right before I performed. In the adjacent hall a huge party was going on. So, as the president prayed Nelly’s “Hot in here” was blaring next door. You could barely hear the prayer over the beat and the people screaming. “Wanna pray... but can’t stop foot from taping...” I would have given anything to see the Pastor to break into a freestyle prayer.

“Hot in here” seemed eerily coincidental. Like, hell is only a banquet hall away. “It’s getting hot in here...so repent all your sins...”

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Funky Monkey

I went to a bar last week with some friends. As a non-drinker, I always feel a little out of place. Luckily this place had Funky Monkey, my favorite bar video game of all time. What bars don’t make from me on drinks they more then make up for with Funky Monkey. I spent at least 1 hour of the 3 we were there playing Funky Monkey. I just hope they don’t have Funky Monkey at my wedding reception.
“Baby, I love you so much...I could dance with you forever...Listen could you come get me right before we cut the cake. That high score is coming down baby!”

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Jukebox Hog

I think we need some legislation to limit how many songs a person can play on a jukebox. I was in a bar playing my favorite bar game 'Funky Monkey' and my friend played over 30 songs on the Jukebox. That’s complete B.S. At that point you should just rent out the place and hire your own DJ. Where’s his jukebox etiquette?! He basically held the place hostage. I mean, I like Sublime as much as the next guy but we don’t need to hear 3 of their albums in a row in a bar. Give me “Midnight Train to Georgia” or give me death!

Friday, March 11, 2005

Don’t put another dime in the Juke Box

Jukeboxes should tell you how long you’re going to have to wait to hear your songs. I refuse to leave a place until the songs I paid for play. I don’t care how boring it is or how tired I am. Even if the place catches on fire I’ll hang out by the door, trying to hear my songs while the firefighters bust in.
“Get the Hell out of here!! The place might blow!!”
“As soon as I hear ‘Midnight Train to Georgia’, I’ll leave. Get off me...let me go...someone owes me a dollar...”

Friday, March 04, 2005

Bad to The Bone

So I’m in the chair getting oral surgery. It’s as bad as it sounds. The guy is to cut bone from behind my molar and move it to my front gums. All this and I’m wide awake. Luckily for me, they gave me an I-Pod loaded with the Beatles’ greatest hits. I could barely hear the drilling, and scraping over “Love Me Do.” I usually keep my eyes closed but I had the inclination to keep my eyes open. Deep down I wanted to watch what he did in case I was ever in a position where I had to do a bone graft. Like if civilization was wiped out and there were no oral surgeons left but someone needed a bone graft, I could step up and say “I can’t promise anything but I’ll try my best...”. Then proceed to do the perfect bone graft. I looked up but it seemed to make him uncomfortable. The last thing I need is a self-conscious surgeon in my mouth. So I closed my eyes and listened to the Beatles psychedelic phase. He actually added cow bone to my own to build the gum line. It worked fine but all of a sudden I want to go grazing and I never go home.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Welcome Overstayed

We’ve all had that friend over our house or on the phone we just couldn’t get rid of. And no matter how many hints you dropped they just didn’t get it. Well, one day you find yourself in a situation and realize you’re that person. It’s terrifying when you realize your friends have been trying to get rid of you. How long have they been trying? How many hints did you miss? Godfather 1 and 2 were cool but maybe watching Godfather 3 was overkill. Maybe they didn’t want to play that 5th game of Pictionary. I thought it was odd that he drew a picture of me leaving and the answer was "Golden Nugget."

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Big Tipper

So, I was very pleased with my 12 dollar mall massage. I wasn’t sure how much to tip the guy. I kinda wanted to tip 2 bucks. That way I could give him a twenty, get back a five and still have a dollar I could use for licorice ( I like my candy circa 1850.) But alas, I felt silly not giving him the whole 3 dollars. He took the 3 dollars from me like I had just handed him a snot-filled sock from the foot of a homeless guy. Good thing I didn’t give him a 2 dollar tip.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Custom like a mo-fo

In Korea, I had the great fortune of buying a custom-made blazer. Think used car salesman but way cooler (no really). On the up side it fits like a glove and MY NAME IS EMBROIDERED on the inside. That’s right my name. On the down side my friends have to hear me tell them that, MY NAME IS EMBROIDERED on the inside, as often as possible, with me constantly finding new ways to reveal the inner pocket showing of the...surprise...surprise...there’s MY NAME EMBROIDERED on the inside

“Excuse me? What’s it made of? I’m not sure let me look...It says DWAYNE PERKINS here but maybe it’s wool.”
“What, the designer’s name? Maybe it’s on the inside pocket...Well, I guess not but I recognize that name! DWAYNE PERKINS but... I didn’t design this ;-)”
“ I know I’m wearing this jacket and I haven’t taken it off since I left the house, but how can I be sure it’s mine...let’s take a closer look on the inside...yep it’s mine!”

I was having an absolute blast bragging about my coat to my friends when a guy walked in with a blazer almost identical to mine, same color and pattern. My friends laughed for 10 minutes. I have never been irritated by someone wearing my same outfit but this really ticked me off. The down side, someone has a blazer like mine. The up side, maybe having my name in the jacket will actually come in handy one day. I’d much rather had not been proven right on that point. The inside of his jacket probably says “100% NOT DWAYNE PERKINS”, so there!

Thursday, February 24, 2005

3 is The Magic Number

I was on a plane from New York to Los Angeles. The waif girl next to me woke from her stupor just in time for the apple pancakes. She really dug in and took exactly 3 bites of her breakfast. I think she’s sitting on a gold mine. Everybody’s doing the South Beach, Atkins , celery soup or whatever diet just came out. If you want to get in shape, get on the 3 bite diet. Eat anything you want, but you can have only 3 little bites. It worked for the girl next to me. I was in the aisle and she in the middle seat and I still had room to put my book, walkman and laptop in her seat. I don’t think she noticed.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Recycle Me

I’m a professional packer but 2 days of unplanned Bikram Yoga made me burn through my undies and socks 1 day short of my return home. I had no time to wash clothes, so I sprayed my underwear and socks from the night before with Fabreze and jumped in the shower. Well, today I gotta say I’m feeling pretty fresh. My recycled underwear and socks are holding up rather nicely. Looks like your boy may have just tripled his wardrobe. Surely, if it works on underwear... Just kidding. I don’t want to get in an accident and have to go to the hospital with overused draws on.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Friday Night Lights

I saw the movie “Friday Night Lights” on an airplane today. I have to admit I almost cried. I said almost! On an airplane no less. That Derek Lu sure is a good actor. And I sure am a big wuss. Seriously though, a lot of movies have that one tear-jerker scene that forces you to man-up. This movie had 3 or 4 of them. I usually think about football to get my mind away from a teary eyed scene but what do you do if the movie is about football? See my dilemma?

“I’ll take the chicken cordon blue. What? No I always cry on airplanes...It’s the altitude...No really!!!”

Monday, February 14, 2005

Guest What?!

I was on line in Starfucks today, mainly because I refuse to pay anything less than 4 dollars for my coffee. As the Barista helped each person in line she said “Next guest please...” Guest? How about customer. Or ‘He who payeth too mucheth for his coffeeth.’ I don’t recall the last time I had guests over my house and charged them.
“Thanks for dinner Dwayne. Those Turkey Burgers were great.”
“Thanks my ass. That’ll be 14.75 bitches. And tipping ain't a city in China... Will you be having dessert?”

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Assembly Required

So we got pretty ambitious. 2 city folks, who can barely change a lightbulb embarked on a major project to build a loft bed. Are the furniture instruction writers paid per word? And doesn’t there seem to be an inverse ratio between number of pieces and length of instructions.
“Oh 200 pieces uh? Here are the instructions honey on this postage stamp.” I don’t think the instructions for microwave pizza and a combo entertainment center/computer desk should be the same length.

There are 2 kinds of people. Those who finish and have pieces left over and say “I guess those are extra pieces, we’re all done here”, and those who say “We must have done it wrong.”

Fortunately and unfortunately my girl is the latter. So, 3 hours in we had to undo the whole thing to put in wooden studs! “ Looks sturdy enough to me...Okay fine we’ll re do it but I won’t like it”. Would it have killed the instruction people to tell us what to do with the studs?! I guess furniture makers have warped senses of humor. Very funny Hans!

Monday, February 07, 2005

Hold the Beets please

I walked past beets yesterday in the supermarket. Just seeing them made me slightly ill. Beets are pretty disgusting. I think we can all agree on that. When the Palestinians and the Israelis sit down for peace talks they should start every meeting by agreeing that beets are disgusting. “Now that we can agree on something let’s start with the talks. West Bank, what say you?”

I think they call them beets because that’s what my mother had to do to me to get me to eat them. I was first introduced to beets under very false pretenses. At age 5, I had already had the wonderful pleasure of eating cranberry sauce. So when I saw beets I had high hopes for the taste of cranberry. Can someone give a brother a heads up! Not only do I not like beets, I don’t trust them either. Those beets knew they weren’t cranberry sauce.

Thursday, February 03, 2005


Today, while walking on Hollywod Blvd, I saw a transvestite in a wheel chair. There's really no joke or anything I can add to it. I just saw a transvestite in a wheel chair. "What you looking at?! You never see a guy/girl in a wheel chair before?!"

Saturday, January 29, 2005

The Customer is Not Always right

I was in Korea recently (shows for the troops.) I was in a shopping area of Seoul Called Itaewon. The Army shows pay but with the selling tactics of the local Korean Vendors it was hard for me to come home with any of the money I made. One older lady actually called me stupid a few times during our “negotiations.” There was no way I was getting out of her shop without buying something. She kept coming down on the price and/or showing me other things. “What you no want authentic Korean Plate for 50 dollar?! You stupid! Okay, How about nice Jewelry box for your girlfriend for 40 dollar? Special just for you! You stupid! How about...” I showed her how stupid I was...I bought 2 things.