Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Royal Flush

Can we please not get too ahead of ourselves with the whole auto-flushing toilets? I’m all for them but please leave the manual flush option. More and more I’m running into toilets, with no manual flush, that flush when they want to. The problem is when they want to is sometimes not when you want to and definitely not when the guy in the next stall over wants them to. We have to keep the courtesy flush in play, not only for thy neighbor but also for thyself. I know I don’t want sit over my toxic offerings. If we lose the courtesy flush then we have to answer all the intestinal questions/comments:

Are you Okay?
Did something die inside of you?
Maybe you should try fasting…indefinitely

I’m green with concern for the earth but we can find other ways to save water:

Cut the water off when you brush your teeth.
In the shower rinse, cut off water, lather, cut on water and rinse off
Fill your water balloons just half way

Whatever we do, let’s keep up the courtesy. Flush America.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Shot Gun Run

I recently saw a very scary billboard while driving in central Pennsylvania. There was a picture of a diamond necklace and the copy read “How much did his last shot gun cost?” His last shot gun?! How many guns does a person need? I guess this sign’s purpose is to encourage wives to make the case to their husbands’ that instead of buying that last shotgun he could have bought her jewelry. It’s also meant to guilt trip the men into buying the misses something purrty. Basically it poses the question is your wife more important than a gun. But didn’t these girls know what they were getting into.

HUSBAND: Baby you knew I was about my shotguns when I met you. We met in the shot gun Aisle!

I say we should put diamonds on the guns. Kill two birds with one shotgun. Put some bling on your bang! Buy your little Bonnie a cute handgun with a diamond studded handle. The note could read “ With Love…Clyde”

I would have stopped and taken a picture of this billboard but I couldn’t stop driving anywhere that question needs to be asked. I’ve seen too many late night movies where some city slicker makes a wrong turn and ends up squealing like a pig. And much to the Yankee’s chagrin, the local judge is also the cousin of the sheriff who is the brother of the guy who knocked him out and fondled his girlfriend. So I kept driving and set my cruise control right at the speed limit. I didn’t want to speed and have to meet the sheriff who’s kin to the judge…

Friday, September 08, 2006

You Have the Right to Remain Quenched

I was walking on Larchmont Ave. in the Larchmont section of Los Angeles. The 3 block stretch is probably the quaintest section of the whole city. It’s a place where people walk around with Yoga mats as if they were brief cases. I counted 6 mats in a 10 minute span but I did not see a Yoga studio anywhere. I guess you always have to be prepared. You never know when you’ll have to break out some downward dog on a fool. As I walked I spotted 4 police officers sitting in front of a Jamba Juice enjoying smoothies. I don’t want to paint our boys in blue into a box but could they not find a respectable donut shop. I have some criminal friends and I sleep better at night knowing they can out run most donut eating, coffee drinking out of shape cops on the beat. You haven’t seen police brutality until you’ve seen an irritated officer interrupted from a refreshing Tropical Awakening smoothie. The visual of a cop experiencing brain freeze just doesn’t make me feel safe. I would give 3 to 1 odds that at least 2 of them have headshots.

OFFICER: You have the right to cast me in any films or TV shows you may be producing. If you give up that right any parking tickets you have can and will be used against you…

Monday, August 28, 2006

Ok k k

I recently performed at Gettysburg College in Gettysburg PA. Yes, that Gettysburg. ( Four score and seven years ago, Gettysburg). I stayed in the Gettysburg hotel, established in 1787! Sadly, it’s a part of the Best Western chain now. The show went well but afterwards the students told me the KKK will be protesting in Gettysburg the week after my show. (not against me per-se, but blacks in general) They went on to tell me how the college is planning a counter protest. Now, as a black person I should have been really into this discussion but all I could think of was “what’s the thread count on the sheets they use”? I know the sheets are all about hiding their identity and looking menacing but it seems a high thread count would still be desirable. Even a racist can appreciate softness. Then again, sheets that are too soft against the face may make it harder to hate. It would be like being irate while the Snuggle bear is tickling your neck.

GRANDMASTER: The white race is supreme we feel- Chip will you stop giggling and hold the torch straight…Damn High thread count!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Just Add Fur

I was about to get in my car when I saw what looked like a rat scurrying from under my car. I took a step back ready to engage in full flight or full fight. Where are my numchucks when I need them?! As I stood at the ready, I looked down again and noticed it was only a squirrel. I exhaled a sigh of relief. Alas, it was only a cute little squirrel. Now squirrels are in the rodent family too. So why do we love the squirrel and hate the rat. Well, besides the squirrel having a much better Public Relations team, I think it’s the bushy fur tail. Adding fur, especially a furry tail, to anything makes it cute and harmless. Think Mike Tyson…now think Mike Tyson with a cute furry tail. See what I mean. Maybe that’s why Divas like to wear fur. They’re trying to throw everyone off the scent of their raging bitch-dom.

Assistant: She said if there are any green M&M’s in her dressing room she would back slap me with her ring hand…but she was so cute in that Chinchilla.

Little Known Fact That I Made Up: The Roman Army wore fur vests to make the opposing armies put up a weaker fight.

Beware of Gremlins toting weapons and a smirk.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Luxury Matters

I was walking down Wilshire Blvd. in Santa Monica California when I heard what sounded like a symphony. I looked around for the live band or orchestra that must have been playing in a near by building. With no buildings nearby with that “Jam Session in Session” look, I turned my attention to a Lexus car stopped at a red light with its windows down. It turns out the sweet tunes were coming from that Lexus. I looked in astonishment trying to figure out where the orchestra was hidden. It’s like the Boston Pops were playing. I kept thinking, “Wow, is a symphony standard on a Lexus?” I’ve never been one for over-the-top luxury. My Saturn Ion is a stick shift and my windows are manual. That’s right, it’s 2006 and I have to vigorously work out my rotator cuff to order at the drive through. I don’t even have a CD player or cassette. I’m one of the only people left who rents a car and thinks, “What a sweet audio system in this Hyundai Accent!” The only thing people think when my window is rolled down is “Wow, Saturns come with clock radios?”

No, but I had it specially installed and the snooze length is adjustable. Don’t hate.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

God Bless You and Your Mouth

God Bless You and Your Mouth

I recently had surgery to repair a hernia. I didn’t know light circuit training could do that.
It was my first time under the knife and under anesthesia. The anesthesiologist told me he was giving me just a little to make me feel better but not totally put me out, as I wanted to talk with the doctor before he gave me the old slice and dice. That’s last thing I remembered. They told me to tell my ride to come get me at noon. A hernia operation is day surgery and I was the first one in. In fact, I woke the rooster up on my way to the surgery. I didn’t wake up until 2pm In all types of pain and nauseous from the anesthesia. It wasn’t until 4pm that I mustered up the courage to try and leave. Some guy in the room next to mine had hernia surgery and he just walked out afterwards. He Probably went dancing that night. I, after asking if I could stay overnight and getting shut down quicker than a Korean restaurant at closing time, had to be wheeled out. I tried eating bread and just spit it out right on the hospital floor like a stubborn 1 year old.

So, I eventually got better. After about a week I was walking okay and out of the blue I sneezed. I can’t really describe the pain but I’ll say a sneeze is a very violent action that you never think of that way until something is hurting. Someone could have taken me hostage with a pepper shaker. If I had sneezed the day of my surgery I’m not sure if I would be writing this blog right now. Even after a week, every sneeze was followed with a loud curse. So “God bless you” took on a whole different meaning. Don’t go to church when your healing from Hernia surgery and have the sniffles.

BTW: A hernia is a hole in your abdominal wall.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Holy Water

This blog may cost me some future endorsement deals...but if the eight of you who read my blog keep this under wraps, I should be okay.

I think we can all agree that Dasani is the most awful tasting bottled water ever. I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure that pee tastes better than Dasani. I guess I could prove it but I’m just not that committed to science. Shame on Coca Cola for muscling their way into the bottled water game and bringing to the table such a horrible product to boot. I’m sure Coke has the money to buy out a smaller company that makes better tasting water. I’m just a bit perturbed because it seems Dasani is taking over everywhere I go. It’s the only water my gym sells and more and more airport shops have only Dasani.

Upside, Coca Cola is saving me money. I used to buy a bottle of ridiculously marked up water at the airport for every flight I took. Now I just bum a cup of water from an airport restaurant. I figure the tap water from the airport can only be as bad as Dasani but not worst. If I ever go to Mexico and the only water available is Dasani, I’m drinking the Mexican water. Viva La runs!

I can’t believe I just wrote a rant about bottled water. If my friends from Brooklyn could see me now...