Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Movers and Shakers (Funny Blog from Comedy Central's Dwayne Perkins)

I spent the good part of today and yesterday moving stuff into storage. I actually counted my box trot as a workout. Carrying boxes or bags weighing 20-30 pounds down a flight of stairs over and over again has to count for something. I actually call it the IRS workout, taxing indeed. :-)

As I loaded up the Saturn it dawned on me how strenuous my current activity was. It also dawned on me that as a country we have an obesity problem. The problem is massive. I would go so far as to say our obesity problem is, well, obese. I smell a win-win situation. Everyday scores of people in our country have to move truck loads of stuff. And for every mover there must be 20 people within a 1 mile radius not very happy with their own radius.

I’m saying maybe we should mandate that the portliest of our brethren help people move.

JUDGE: This court has found you guilty of being on the verge of obesity…I hear by sentence you to help Dwayne move…

Jenny Craig ain’t got nothing on lugging a sofa with a pullout bed. Pilates does though.

Monday, June 08, 2009

We-A-We-A-We (Funny Blog from Comedy Central's Dwayne Perkins)

The other night I was driving on a California highway when a state trooper a few cars ahead of me put on his flashing lights and started driving across all the lanes in an “S” pattern. I’ve seen this before. They do it to stop traffic for workers or an accident. Imagine having that kind of power, legal swerving across all the lanes and the cars behind you have to stop. I hope the police officer said “weeee!” as he drove in spirals. I didn’t see any workers or an accident. Perhaps the cause of the spiral stoppage was beyond my sight. Or maybe the officer did this for the same reason I would….no reason at all.

I would do this just to make the highway almost like the start of a Nascar race. Seems irresponsible but remember I would still be in a cop car and the drivers would be scared to peel out knowing I was near. It would be more like the start of Nascar caravan.

Maybe we should give drunk drivers police lights so at least everyone else will adjust to them.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Pilates Hottie (Funny Blog from Comedy Central's Dwayne Perkins)

Much like financial investments it’s best to diversify your workout regime. I’ve always been interested in Pilates. To me Pilates is like Yoga without the chanting and sage (the spice or the mystic) I even have a Windsor Pilates workout tape that I’ve had for 6 years and never used. But I’ve been meaning to. I mean if it’s good enough for Daisy Fuentes its good enough for me.

So I was very pleased last year when a friend of mine opened up a Pilates Studio in Long Island. And I was game when she asked me to come do a session and be photographed. My friend’s studio, PILATES ABSESSION, employs the Pilates machines. The machines look like torture devices and sure enough my friend Karen tortured me. Don’t you worry though, if you go she’ll make sure your workout is strenuous but suited for your fitness level. But we had an unspoken fitness challenge that had been brewing for a while. She won. It was a blowout actually. Pilates is the truth. It definitely works. Karen is a mother of three and I would rather be back to back with her in a bar fight than with most guys I know. Let’s just say if Houdini did Pilates he would have survived that sucker punch to his belly.*

Until Karen reminded me last week, I had forgotten there were pictures of the butt whipping. When your muscles are shaking from trying to hold a pose any pictures taken are truly candid. I guess one was good enough to make the cut and now you can see me on the registration page of the Pilates studio.

This gives me impetus to work harder and become a household name. How cool would it be to go to a web page and see Johnny Depp doing Hip Hop abs. But this blog is about Pilates and my foray into modeling. It’s official, I’m a male model. I hope one day that pic of me will be a trivia question like Cuba Gooding Junior getting his haircut in Coming To America…sans lines.

Daisy Fuentes where are you? Call me. Let’s do lunch.

Pilates Absession. Check me in action

*Houdini died from a punch in the belly he wasn’t ready for.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Do I Amuse You? (Funny Blog from Comedy Central's Dwayne Perkins)

So I was on line looking for sample movie treatments. A treatment is a brief synopsis describing a movie. People usually write them to secure funding before writing an entire script. Of course I work backwards and needed to write a treatment for a movie script I’ve already written. (Brooklyn, we go hard.) Well, a movie I’ve co-written (South Pasadena goes hard as well)

I came across a treatment for a movie called Bly, the true story of Nelly Bly. Here’s an excerpt from that treatment:

The true story of Nellie Bly, a penniless young woman in 1890s New York

who claws her way up from obscurity to revolutionize journalism and then becomes her own biggest story when she races around the globe to shatter the record of Jules Verne’s legendary hero in Around the World in 80 Days – a feat which makes her the most famous woman on earth…

She sounds like a pretty amazing woman. But here’s what made my eyes go wide. Nellie Bly is the name of a second rate amusement park near Coney Island, Brooklyn. I grew up walking past Nellie Bly and I never knew it was named after a great American. To find this out makes me sad. This woman went around the World faster than anyone else; she exposed corruption in the mental health field as an undercover journalist. She basically shattered any expectations the world had for a woman born in 1864. And we honor her with a shabby amusement park? Nellie Bly is lower on the amusement park totem pole than Coney Island’s Astroland which itself has become second rate compared to current amusement parks.

Ok…let’s say Six Flags is the Lakers. Coney Island would be the Clippers and the Nellie Bly Park would be the guys playing basketball on Venice Beach. (Disney Land would be Manchester United, a totally different massive animal)

Okay, I’ll admit this great American’s name does make for a great amusement park moniker but I just hope the kids remember who she was in the back of their minds as they say weeee…on the hammer ride.

If I get the Puffer Fish I’ve been wanting for ages, maybe I’ll name it Nellie Bly. Would that be honoring her?

Nellie Bly, The woman

Friday, June 05, 2009

Saber Tooth (Funny Blog from Comedy Central's Dwayne Perkins)

The other day I walked into a bar/restaurant to meet some friends. On my way to my friends’ table I ran into another friend. I made a slight detour and stopped to chat for a sec with the friend I had bumped into. As we chatted some of her friends arrived. Introductions were made and I said hi to the new comers. I shook each of their hands and repeated each of their names. As I started to excuse myself (remember, I still had my original friends waiting) a girl I had just met from my detour table said to me

NEW GIRL: I don’t want to interrupt your phone call!

Huh? Then I realized I had my Bluetooth still on. I had parked my car minutes before and I forgot that I still had it on. So then I said…

ME: I’m sorry but I’m not on the phone. I just got out of my car and--

NEW GIRL: Right…Well when I get out of my car I take off my sunglasses…

Huh? I’m not capturing her tone here. She was implying that I was being all “Hollywood”. I let the first dig go but the second one was totally uncalled for. I don’t think one forgotten Bluetooth leave-in is enough to be labeled rude or “Hollywood”.

I was about to explain to her that as it what night time, to leave your shades on would be a much graver offense. Mainly because to leave shades on at night, a person would be actively choosing blindness to pull of a look. I on the other hand forgot I had the stupid Bluetooth, which I’m mandated by the state to wear when I’m driving and talking, on.

I was about to say something but I spotted my original friends and joined them. Her words lingered a bit and the first 3 bites of my Chicken Fried Rice weren’t as enjoyable as they could have been. The fourth bite was delish! Shoulder cleaned…and dirt removed.

QSN: The Formosa café in Hollywood is a bar that serves Chinese food... Amazing right?!

Later on I shared the story with my Ace Boon Coon (aka homeboy.) He was convinced that the girl actually liked me and was trying to get my attention. Huh? She had my attention. It made perfect sense after I thought about it. My detour table had a bunch of stand-up comics that I didn’t know, so maybe there was hierarchy tension I didn’t unnoticed. Also, the New Girl’s dig came after I announced that I would have to go to my original destination table. Was that her sarcastic last ditch effort to get me to stay and banter?

Whatever the case, I didn’t speak to that girl again for the rest of the night. Even on my way out I said goodbye to detour table but not to her directly. What are your thoughts?

It seems the world over seeks attention. It’s almost the real currency and money is just a symptom of attention. My inadvertent Bluetooth leave-in maybe sent a signal to detour table that I thought I was more important or that I wasn’t going to pay full attention to them. That I was a click away to bigger, better more important voices coming into my right ear.

It didn’t mean that but funny how New Girl taking it that way caused her to be actually ruder than my Bluetooth leave-in suggest I may have been.

QSN = Quick Side Note

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Didn’t Mama Tell You To Wear Clean Undies(Funny Blog from Comedy Central's Dwayne Perkins)

So, two weeks ago I did a show at the Improv in Hollywood as a favor for a friend. It was a last minute thing and the money was funny but he assured me the room would be packed and I actually needed the stage time.

What was set to be a regular Hollywood show filled with hipsters and tourists (the weekday crowd)*, turned out to be a televised television taping for Last Call with Carson Daly. In a last minute coup, my friend somehow worked a deal with them. Suddenly my charity show became a very respectable paying gig for national television. I left the house that morning not knowing I would be on TV. Thankfully I had my mobile apartment, my ‘04 Saturn ION with the manual roll down windows, with me. Or maybe I was with it. Whatever the case, I luckily had some wears in my ride suitable for national television. (Even if the television coverage is at 1:30 am and barely beats the Sham Wow commercials in the ratings.)

The show went well. But you can see for yourself tonight on NBC’s Last Call with Carson Daly, immediately following Jimmy Fallon.

I was taken back to when my grandmother told me to always wear clean underwear in case I got into an accident and they needed to undress me, I would have clean undies. There’s a gaping whole in this logic. If the accident is severe enough, you can forget about clean underwear. Or maybe the doctors will disrobe you and say:

Other than the involuntary movement, this patient had on extremely clean undies.

Catch me tonight on Last Call with Carson Daly.

* Valley and Inland people (aka bridge & tunnel) dominate the weekends in Hollywood.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Take Your Records, Take Your Freedom (Funny Blog from Comedy Central's Dwayne Perkins)

So, every time I send out an email to my mailing list, which is maybe once a month but realistically more like once every two months, I get people unsubscribing to my list. Mind you all these people are people who gave me their email address at one point or another. I send out emails at this infrequent pace partly because I’m busy and not really an ace when it comes to promotion and partly because I don’t want to be “that” guy wearing out his welcome.

I get my share of junk email and promo email to sift through. But it’s email. Tossing it requires a click and keeping it requires nothing, especially with yahoo and the like offering unlimited space. I’m not suggesting people be like me and have 2016 unopened email messages in their inbox but (my hurt feelings aside) does your inbox need to be pristine? It costs you nothing. Plus, like anything in life, it’s so easy to get bogged down with administration that you never get to any actual work. For me, unsubscribing or blocking every email that I don’t have immediate use for would take up so much time that I probably wouldn’t have been able to hit you with this month long blog-o-thon. :-)

I have a junk email filter to weed out some of the unwanted stuff but I still occasionally miss an important business email that was mistakenly redirected to the spam folder. It’s not an exact science.

I’m not privy to each unsubscriber’s story but could they all really be too busy or annoyed to suffer an email from me every other month that they don’t even have to read. Does ensuring they never get my bi-monthly email ever again really free up their lives? It’s email, not homework. Or maybe they’re upset that I took a long lay-off…You think you could just go away and pop upout of the blue with your show announcements. Where were you when we needed you!?...

I get 3 emails a day from the Minister of Finance from a made up country asking me to put 6 million into my bank account, thus helping him stave off a coup. I think these may be frauds…maybe. But I simply erase them. And many of my friends send me emails. I read them if I have time or maybe delete them without reading them but I don’t block them from ever sending me an email again.

Funny thing is I get many people asking me why I don’t send out more updates. I guess I’m afraid of getting more unsubscribers. It’s silly now that I think about it; to stay away from supporters just because in doing so I may have to part ways with non-supporters. I’m a bit hurt but more confused at the absoluteness of it all.

How come you never call?….You shouldn’t have called!...