No Librarians Please

If you're like me, you have certain professions that you just get along with and others that you clash with. It's implausible that it could hold true across the board but, with rare exceptions, I don't get along with librarians. We suffer each other but it's always tense. Even our 30 second interactions seem to have 30 minutes of suspense. Like we're on thin ice and even graze of a pebble will make the whole thing cave in. It might be my natural inclination to challenge rules vs. their natural inclination to blindly enforce any and all rules.

Book storage takes order but then again the books don't have legs. To be fair to Librarians, I actually have no problem with Librarians. What?! Yes, see the people at the reference desk of a Library who help you find books and deftly explain the Dewey Decimal system 60 times a day are actually “Librarians”. They're usually helpful and friendly. Whereas the people who check out your books are not technically Librarians. The clerk's 'tudes may come from being called Librarians all day but knowing deep inside that they in fact are not. But I'm not bitter. So actually, I don't get along with Library worker people.

I get along with Flight attendants quite swimmingly. It would take a long scroll to list the preferential treatment I've gotten from Flight Attendants. From being bumped up, to free bags of Tazo tea to once even being consoled because I looked sad, flight attendants dig me. They don't “mile high club” dig me but I'm happy for the extra drinks and free snack boxes.

I have a good history with drivers of limos and car services but my relationship with Taxi cab drivers is touch and go. Baristas are ambivalent toward me, even though I usually tip a whole dollar on a 2 dollar tea. I actually have a half way decent relationship with cops. (that admission stays here)

I get along with comedians, obviously. But I like musicians more. I wonder if we could generate a new dating site based not on how you describe yourself but what professions you get along with.

Oh you like Crane Operators and Bakers too? It's Kismet I tell ya.

Pull Over Jesus

A few nights ago, while driving down Hollywood Boulevard in Los Angeles, I saw two cops, pulled over, and questioning Jesus. I assume it wasn't THE Jesus but then again you never know. Hollywood is littered with look-a-likes who, for a nominal fee, will take a picture with you. Don't think Disneyland with Mickey Mouse welcoming you to the happiest place on earth. No, think a drunk guy in a dirty Shrek costume who smells like an actual ogre and has a yet to be named condition that causes him to spit loogies every 3 and a half minutes. None of these photo-op guys are sanctioned by any official body and they probably wear the costumes to dodge their arrest warrants.

I gather the guy currently portraying Jesus was on his way home from a day of intense character work, tired from all the healing. A method actor no doubt. Maybe he was displaying public drunkenness, or he Jaywalked. I'm thinking he stole a Gatorade from a convenience store. Jesus walks...in and steals. If Hollywood Jesus had any miracles in him the time had come to use them. Cops don't drive the squad car up on the side walk to have nice chats. Still in the back of the cops' mind it's got to be tougher to be a hard ass while looking at Jesus.

COP1: Let me see some ID?

HOLLYWOOD JESUS:My Son, my ID comes from above.

COP2: ID now?! Or we redo the Passion Of Christ. Right here.

COP1: Why is he bleeding from his hands?!

COP2: Okay Jesus...you're free to go and...can you put your finger in this water for me.

Maybe the cops needed some salvation albeit from an actor playing Jesus. I think Hollywood Jesus should rent himself out to people trying to make a point. After he cleans himself up of course. How cool would it be if you got Jesus to appear at just the right moment. Dude, just lend me the money. I'm good for it...what would Jesus do?...Lookie here..why don't we just ask him...I know that's not actually Jesus but that's gotta be a sign...Come on bro just fifty dollars.

Abba Dabba Do

So I saw this report on the pop group Abba recently. Their effect on the world is legendary. Their music? But I come to praise Abba not to bury them. My foot taps when an Abba song comes on (I was going to say “just as much as the next guy”, but what if the next guy is off beat. Or maybe he's doing a syncopated tap.)

No doubt Abba is a major part of the soundtrack of our lives. But this one guy they interviewed had “ABBA” tattooed across his stomach. He proudly showed it off so I don't think he lost a bet or was the victim of sophomoric hijinks. This guy willingly went to a tattoo artist and requested ABBA to be needled across his belly.

QSN: Can we blame the tattoo guy? I mean, a bartender can't serve a drunk person. Shouldn't there at least be a grace period for stupid tattoos? “Sir, are you sure you want a Mambo#5 tattoo?...Why don't you think it over for a few days and come back”.

There is no way to make an Abba tattoo sound cool. It's not a story people want to hear at parties. “I don't mean to cut you off Abba Dude but I'm going back to hear the Insurance Guy's soliloquy on Term versus Universal Life insurance...try the dip.”

At least Mike Tyson has a tattoo of Mao Tse Tsung. Which may not make sense but is so random that it just may make total sense. At the very least people want to hear Mike explain why he got it. Where as with Abba dude you instantly know all you need or would ever want to know. We're all set here Abba Dude.

The craziest part? Abba Dude is a black guy. Nothing wrong with a black guy loving him some Abba. And I say kudos on the stereotype dismantling. But it's a little jarring when someone links themselves to Abba with permanent body ink...When they don't even know them.

Let's hope it was a fake just to get him on TV. Let's hope.

Crystal DNA Ball

Recently on the Today show I saw a DNA expert telling famous people their lineage history. Minus the crystal ball, scarves and sage, it was a lot like a psychic reading. At least with a psychic reading, time will prove whether Madame Lenora is right or wrong. With DNA readings you have to take their word for it. That or get a second opinion. But who wants a second opinion after being told they're the direct lineage of Alexander The Great or have almost identical biological make-up to Julius Caesar.

I don't mean to be cynical but you had to see Meryl Streep's face when she was getting her DNA reading. It was the same look my Aunt Eleanor had when she got her palm read in Soho. Both were like putty in the reader's hand. It's exciting to think of your lineage. You can maybe even gain insight into your idiosyncrasies. Attilah The Hun was my Great to the 30^th power Grand father...No wonder I slap people for no reason.

Way more important than tracing back umpteen generations is how to you treat people today and what you're currently doing with your life. Okay, Shakespeare's blood runs through you and you're a distant relative of Warren Buffet...now what? It might be time to read a book and get that credit score out of the 300s.

I once spoke to my great uncle about my history and the insights he shed were touching and left me feeling better about myself. (shout out to Uncle Rudy) So, no doubt there is value in knowing about your past but even if you don't know your past or your past is not awe-inspiring, you can always choose to make history starting with you. And remember...charity starts at home.

By the way, Meryl Streep is my favorite actress and Eleanor is my favorite aunt.

Alpha Male For Sale

I saw a guy on The Today show on NBC telling another guy how to approach women. He told him to have good posture and walk into a room like he owns it. Bad Boy Swagger in a box. No doubt women like a confident man. I also recently had a group of women tell me the top thing they want from a man is that he be nice. Now when I say oxy, you say moron....Oxy...Moron...Oxy...Moron. I'm not saying a confident strong guy can't be nice but it's more likely that a nice guy may also prove to be confident and strong. He may not demonstrate those traits right away like James Bond. But when you think about it, most of Bond's girls die. High cost to pay for having the “perfect” guy.

Walking into a room like you own it isn't a habit of most “nice” guys. If you're really nice, why would you want to act like you own something that isn't yours? And even if you did “own” the room wouldn't you be a gracious welcoming host?

I say look for nice and hope you find confidence later. That's much better than seeking out confidence and not finding niceness. Then you're left with what has left a bitter taste in the mouth of many a woman: arrogance.

Arrogance and confidence are nearly impossible to differentiate at first. It's like telling a yam from a sweet potato. It's takes a trained eye. That's why you have to seek out good right away. You shouldn't have to excavate for goodness.

When I think back to the times when I had a swagger or pep in my step I was usually scared and overcompensating. When I'm the big dog in a room I don't act like it, I let others show it for me. Of course all this is held over from or cavemen roots. That's why guys all the world over like girls with a 0.7 hip to waist ratio (google it or yahoo it). But we don't live in caves anymore and society lets the weakest man wield the most power if his brain is powerful.

We can't totally escape our innate nature but to guys I say accept a 0.6 or 0.8 hip to waist ratio and women don't make nice guys act like jerks. What if it's permanent?

Emergency Exit Row

Many people will take the emergency exit row for extra leg room. The qualifications for said leg room?

1. Get to the airport early enough to snag one.

2. Say yes when the flight attendant asks you if you'll be willing to open the door, in case of an unplanned mass exodus.

QSN: I'm not too keen on exit row seats myself because to have one you have to give up your “under the seat in front of you” space. I needs my space! And sometimes the seats are narrower. Or they seem narrower because the arm rest extends all the way to the seat. The should call them exit boxes.

When you sit in an exit row you never think you're going to have to perform the duties you've agreed to. You certainly hope not. But I think about that plane that landed safely in the Hudson and all the emergency exit folks who had to step up. How did they fare? I think punctuality and a head nod are not enough qualifications for such an important and stressful job. We don't know how these people are under pressure.

I say we add a new criterion. If you want to sit in the emergency exit row, you have to thread a needle while people hurl insults at you. I figure if you can maintain focus and hand-eye coordination while someone bags on your favorite tweed blazer and someone else is making you rethink your hairstylist decision, then you should be all set with popping open the door when the plane touches down in a corn field in the middle of nowhere.

I've always vowed that I would take my laptop with me if I had to prematurely exit an airplane. I've got 5 unpublished blogs on this thing. The lap top goes with me! But last year, while home in LA, we had an earthquake. It lasted 30 seconds mind you and I was sitting at my laptop when it hit. I ran out of my place with no shirt on and no shoes...and no laptop.

My mom should find comfort in knowing my survival skills are still in tact and I would rather be naked in public than under a pile of rubble with my laptop.

Super Bowl Funday

So I just saw a woman on the Today show giving tips for how to eat this Super Bowl Sunday without taking in too many calories. The segment was called Game Plan For Super Bowl Eating. Game plan?! I'm telling you if we keep having people tell us things we already know we're going to regress into needing instructions to wipe in the bathroom. It's super Bowl Sunday! Eat what you want. It's one day! Eat less on Monday. And if for some reason you can't go to town, then don't eat so much.

Rocket Science it is not. We have to remind ourselves that TV is on all the time and they have to fill all that time with something. As someone who is on TV and aspires to be on it even more, I can't be too critical of the industry I want to break into. But I care about people...even if they don't deserve it and even if I seem like I don't. You always hurt the ones you love and I love you enough to say you don't need a game plan for eating at a super bowl party stupid.

Let's review this one more time. To lose weight you have to burn more calories than you take in. Stop me when it sounds like Quantum Physics. 3500 calories less per week will equal 1 pound of fat weight loss. That's 500 calories more burned, per day, than you take in. Not easy but not mystic either. Take in the same as you burn and you stay the same weight. Take in more than you burn and you gain weight. Working out helps because you burn more calories and even if you take in the same as what you burn and you don't lose weight, you may still turn fat into muscle and appear slimmer.

There is a billion dollar industry of diets and fitness equipment and dvds all based on the previous paragraph. A billion dollars based on a simple truth that we all know. Amazing. Enjoy the Super Bowl.

Who Dat!

Dwayne Perkins To The Rescue

A few months back I wrote blogs about sitting in a park in San Francisco's China town and about a guy typing outside on a typewriter on a elementary school desk. I was in San Fran performing at the famous Punch Line Comedy Club. But What I didn't mention is, I was also there to record a new comedy CD.

It had been a while since my last CD, “She Ate my Haircut” dropped and I felt it was time to lay down some of my new classic jokes. A comedy CD is basically a snapshot of your act on any given night. And just like a picture you want it to be a good one. Did I blink? Is there something in my teeth? Can we take the picture again? But unlike a picture you can't easily do an hour show over and over until you get one that you like. Imagine taking a picture for all to see and you only get one try at it. Now you've got to make sure you look your best but stay loose enough to still look like you're having fun in the picture. Great picture but why are you sweating and gritting your teeth?

My approach was to not let the crowd know I was taping a CD. I wanted organic reactions. True belly laughs, true moans, impulsive clapping. So as I hit the stage to record, my goal was to do everything in its most relaxed natural funny form. But how about the crowd? Would I have to deal with 8 drunk bachelorette parties? Or maybe there would be someone with an over the top cackle laughing hard but distracting everyone else with there snorts. Perhaps there be a frat party and guys barking or whistling at everything that struck a chord with them.

These are the occupational hazards of a Stand-Up comic. We gladly accept these challenges and routinely turn unplanned distractions into comedy gold. But when you're recording a CD for prosperity you want your written jokes to lead the way. You don't want an entire CD that seems like you had to be there to get it.

Luckily for me the San Francisco crowd that showed up the night of my taping was awesome, well behaved and ruckus in just the right way. Thanks San Fran for a great show. My San Francisco treat is now available for all to listen to. I'm and proud, honored and humbled to announce to you the release of my new CD: “Dwayne Perkins to The Rescue”

The choosing of the title is another story but in the end I think my comedy is a break from the norm. Hilarious without being cynical. Truthful without being hurtful. Much of Stand-up has gone awry. But have no fears because Dwayne Perkins is to the Rescue. :-)

Available on itunes, Amazon and www.rooftopcomedy.com