Custom like a mo-fo

In Korea, I had the great fortune of buying a custom-made blazer. Think used car salesman but way cooler (no really). On the up side it fits like a glove and MY NAME IS EMBROIDERED on the inside. That’s right my name. On the down side my friends have to hear me tell them that, MY NAME IS EMBROIDERED on the inside, as often as possible, with me constantly finding new ways to reveal the inner pocket showing of the...surprise...surprise...there’s MY NAME EMBROIDERED on the inside

“Excuse me? What’s it made of? I’m not sure let me look...It says DWAYNE PERKINS here but maybe it’s wool.”
“What, the designer’s name? Maybe it’s on the inside pocket...Well, I guess not but I recognize that name! DWAYNE PERKINS but... I didn’t design this ;-)”
“ I know I’m wearing this jacket and I haven’t taken it off since I left the house, but how can I be sure it’s mine...let’s take a closer look on the inside...yep it’s mine!”

I was having an absolute blast bragging about my coat to my friends when a guy walked in with a blazer almost identical to mine, same color and pattern. My friends laughed for 10 minutes. I have never been irritated by someone wearing my same outfit but this really ticked me off. The down side, someone has a blazer like mine. The up side, maybe having my name in the jacket will actually come in handy one day. I’d much rather had not been proven right on that point. The inside of his jacket probably says “100% NOT DWAYNE PERKINS”, so there!

3 is The Magic Number

I was on a plane from New York to Los Angeles. The waif girl next to me woke from her stupor just in time for the apple pancakes. She really dug in and took exactly 3 bites of her breakfast. I think she’s sitting on a gold mine. Everybody’s doing the South Beach, Atkins , celery soup or whatever diet just came out. If you want to get in shape, get on the 3 bite diet. Eat anything you want, but you can have only 3 little bites. It worked for the girl next to me. I was in the aisle and she in the middle seat and I still had room to put my book, walkman and laptop in her seat. I don’t think she noticed.

Recycle Me

I’m a professional packer but 2 days of unplanned Bikram Yoga made me burn through my undies and socks 1 day short of my return home. I had no time to wash clothes, so I sprayed my underwear and socks from the night before with Fabreze and jumped in the shower. Well, today I gotta say I’m feeling pretty fresh. My recycled underwear and socks are holding up rather nicely. Looks like your boy may have just tripled his wardrobe. Surely, if it works on underwear... Just kidding. I don’t want to get in an accident and have to go to the hospital with overused draws on.

Friday Night Lights

I saw the movie “Friday Night Lights” on an airplane today. I have to admit I almost cried. I said almost! On an airplane no less. That Derek Lu sure is a good actor. And I sure am a big wuss. Seriously though, a lot of movies have that one tear-jerker scene that forces you to man-up. This movie had 3 or 4 of them. I usually think about football to get my mind away from a teary eyed scene but what do you do if the movie is about football? See my dilemma?

“I’ll take the chicken cordon blue. What? No I always cry on airplanes...It’s the altitude...No really!!!”

Guest What?!

I was on line in Starfucks today, mainly because I refuse to pay anything less than 4 dollars for my coffee. As the Barista helped each person in line she said “Next guest please...” Guest? How about customer. Or ‘He who payeth too mucheth for his coffeeth.’ I don’t recall the last time I had guests over my house and charged them.
“Thanks for dinner Dwayne. Those Turkey Burgers were great.”
“Thanks my ass. That’ll be 14.75 bitches. And tipping ain't a city in China... Will you be having dessert?”

Assembly Required

So we got pretty ambitious. 2 city folks, who can barely change a lightbulb embarked on a major project to build a loft bed. Are the furniture instruction writers paid per word? And doesn’t there seem to be an inverse ratio between number of pieces and length of instructions.
“Oh 200 pieces uh? Here are the instructions honey on this postage stamp.” I don’t think the instructions for microwave pizza and a combo entertainment center/computer desk should be the same length.

There are 2 kinds of people. Those who finish and have pieces left over and say “I guess those are extra pieces, we’re all done here”, and those who say “We must have done it wrong.”

Fortunately and unfortunately my girl is the latter. So, 3 hours in we had to undo the whole thing to put in wooden studs! “ Looks sturdy enough to me...Okay fine we’ll re do it but I won’t like it”. Would it have killed the instruction people to tell us what to do with the studs?! I guess furniture makers have warped senses of humor. Very funny Hans!

Hold the Beets please

I walked past beets yesterday in the supermarket. Just seeing them made me slightly ill. Beets are pretty disgusting. I think we can all agree on that. When the Palestinians and the Israelis sit down for peace talks they should start every meeting by agreeing that beets are disgusting. “Now that we can agree on something let’s start with the talks. West Bank, what say you?”

I think they call them beets because that’s what my mother had to do to me to get me to eat them. I was first introduced to beets under very false pretenses. At age 5, I had already had the wonderful pleasure of eating cranberry sauce. So when I saw beets I had high hopes for the taste of cranberry. Can someone give a brother a heads up! Not only do I not like beets, I don’t trust them either. Those beets knew they weren’t cranberry sauce.

HollyWeird

Today, while walking on Hollywod Blvd, I saw a transvestite in a wheel chair. There's really no joke or anything I can add to it. I just saw a transvestite in a wheel chair. "What you looking at?! You never see a guy/girl in a wheel chair before?!"