Monday, August 24, 2009

Minty Breathe, Thus Said the Lord (Funny Blog from Comedy Central's Dwayne Perkins)

About 3 years ago, my mom gave me some mints for Christmas. Now before you go thinking my mother had a roll of Certs wrapped under the tree with my name on it, I should mention that it wasn’t the only thing she gave me and these were not regular mints. No Blog Nation, they were Test-A-Mints. I’m not sure what the Lord’s take on holy puns is but I love them.

Yet I kept the pious breath aids for 3 years without opening up the package. I guess I didn’t have a Mint situation divine enough to break out the Test-A-Mints. And surely you can’t use the Lord’s mints to help you trek down the road of fornication. That’s more of a job for Mentos.

QSN: If Test-A-Mints are the Mint from the man upstairs then could Mentos be the Mint of the man downstairs? After all, Mentos tells you to do whatever you please and just pop one afterward to be absolved; while the Test-A-Mints encourage you to be good from the outset. Just a really really silly and useless thought.

So I packed, moved, and unpacked and I thought it was time to dig into the heavenly hard candy. I just decided to open them. I wasn’t crying on the bathroom floor, looked up and saw the Test-A-Mints with a beam of light shooting out of them. Although that would have been cool. Turns out each mint has a small scripture on it. I didn’t know I was getting fresh breath and inspiration. You pay for the mint…the guilt is free. I’m kidding! The Mints are really good and come in 3 Godly flavors: wintergreen, peppermint and spearmint. No one can say the lord doesn’t believe in taste diversity.

I was waiting for a special moment to use the mints when I should have used them in my day to day life. Now, I’m testament happy but I still won’t use them for hookups…that is, if I ever have any hookups.

Friday, August 21, 2009

So Take, This Broken Fridge (Funny Blog from Comedy Central's Dwayne Perkins)

I recently moved. In the spirit of MSTs (Money Saving Techniques), I figured I would buy a used fridge…As long as it gets cold, right? I love how on MTV Cribs some rapper or athlete will have a stainless steel monstrosity of a fridge (SSMF) that cost more than my car but only has a few beers, soda and questionable bologna inside.

RAPPER: What’s that?!
ME: That’s the money you could have saved if you just bought a cooler and instead of your SSMF since you never cook or take home leftovers.

In Los Angeles you don’t get a fridge with your place. For a New Yorker it’s hard to wrap your mind around that concept. Who wants to move a fridge…ever?! I’m willing to roll the dice and get a fridge not as good as my last one. Let’s all just keep our fridges where they are…forever. Of course, this would greatly reduce the sales of the SSMF.

QSN: Fridge is spelled with a D and refrigerator doesn’t have a D. Write your congressman.

I came across the following add on craigslist:
Refrigerator - not working - $50 (Hacienda Heights)
Date: 2009-07-24, 3:43PM PDT
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]
great Refrigerator for someone who knows how to repair them
does not get cold.

What?!?! You want 50 dollars for something that doesn’t work at all? So you want me to pay you to move your broken fridge for you. Did I get that right? There’s gall and then there’s this. I almost want to reply to this person just to sucker punch him and tell him to stop trying to gain from every little thing and give something away every now and then.

ME: You see it as a busted lip. I see it as a reminder to pay it forward next time….You might want to put some ice on that. Doh! That’s right your fridge doesn’t work.

In true Brooklyn style I stumbled upon a Refrigerator that works for $50. Brooklyn…we go hard. Shout out to Philly on the help out. ( My friend from Philly told me about the fridge for sale)