Hey Mate!

I’m always tickled by non-white people with English accents. I get giddy and have to suppress the urge to ask them to repeat what they just said. A part of me wants to believe they’re putting on the accent and can break out of it at anytime.

ME: Look, this Asian guy can make himself sound like a bloke. Cool dude. Okay you can just talk regular now. No seriously cut it out…

I could never condone Dr. Moreau type experimentation but how cool would it be to take a Black child to Russia at birth and teach them perfect English…with a Russian accent. And then when he’s 25 drop him off in Brooklyn. Too cruel? Some challenges for him. Pure enjoyment for everyone he encounters.

ME: Look, homey puts Y’s in the middle of words.*
CWRA**: Styop tyeasing me. Vant a Knyuckle SyandWeach?

I don’t suppose this wildly unsophisticated tendency of mine will change anytime soon. I’ve been hearing non-whites with British accents for ten years and just like seeing someone get a pie to the face, it still amuses me. It’s especially egregious coming from someone who had to hear he sounds “white” most of his life.

*The hilarious and perfect mimic of many accents, Elon Gold. Told me the secret to doing a Russian accent is to put Y’s in the middle of words. Try it at home. (eg. Basket Ball in a Russian accent becomes BeYaskyet Byall) Hours of fun. Okay maybe a half hour of fun.

** Child With Russian Accent
This harps back to a little run in I witnessed on the bus.

Friends in Cosmic Places

Not to be competitive, but I would wager that, unless you’re in a rock band or are a magician, that I know a smidge more odd characters than you. It just comes with the territory. It’s always fun when an acquaintance or friend does something that catapults them unto the odd list or bumps them up higher in the list if they were already on it.

I recently dropped off a friend after a show who had long since held a solid spot on my list of odd people. A red-headed (but more orange), chain smoking comedy booker with a piercing nasally voice and equally piercing inter-personal skills. Still, we get along just fine. Although I questioned his being of this planet when I saw a long centipede looking bug in his hair a while back. The bug was the same burnt orange color that his hair is. He flicked it off when I brought it to his attention but it just took me back to Men in Black. Plus, I don’t think he was sufficiently freaked out that a long slimy bug was in his hair. So for a long time I held a faint suspicion that my friend was not human and in fact just occupied a human shell to do business and blend in until his mother ship returns.

Over time I loosened my belief that my friend who books one-nighter comedy shows in Orange County is actually an under cover extra terrestrial. Why travel across the vast galaxy to book bar shows? Although that would be a pretty convincing cover. So I dropped my friend off recently and he requested I drop him off at a barely lit Los Angeles street corner at 1am with no signs of people, residences or to put it short…life. The alien theory is back in full effect. I think I dropped him off at his portal back to his ship. I Made a U-turn and old red was no where to be seen.

Of course he may simply not want me to know where he lives or maybe wanted to score some drugs before heading to bed but I’m sticking with the alien theory.