Monday, May 30, 2005

Smooth Sailing

The other day I changed in my car ( not too uncommon for the actor on the go) and drove off. While driving I felt like pebbles or something in my pant legs. So, I immediately get the itchies. Is it a bug? Are there hundreds of little peebles or bugs on my legs right now. The mind can play tricks on you and once you’ve got the itchies you really have to take off all your clothes and have a scratching and kicking fit before your mind will feel confident that there is indeed nothing on you and then stop sending the body itch signals. So, I’m driving with the itchies. I only needed a red light so I could: stop, pull down my pants, brush emphatically. In the city of Angels I drove 20 minutes without hitting a red light. Red lights kept turning green on my approach. To other drivers it looked like I was dancing and having a good ole time. In actuality the radio was off and I was having an itching fit. For those of you familiar with Los Angeles. I drove from Sherman Oaks to Korea Town, all side streets, without hitting one red light. I know I could have pulled over at any point but I kept thinking the next corner is going to offer the much coveted red light. So if you’re ever late to work put a cup full of fire ants down your pants.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Suction Function

My dentist tells his assistant to put water in my mouth. She puts a tiny hose in my mouth and the stream of water begins to flow. Ten seconds later he tells her to add suction. So she puts a little vacuum tube in my mouth that begins to suck out the water. Well what is it Doc? Does my mouth need to be wet or dry. Or have you not used your toys in a while? So I’m breathing through my nose while I’ve got the conundrum happening in my mouth. I guess the dentist needed more light because he lifted my upper lip. This blocked my nostrils and forced me to play the hit game show that’s sweeping the country...”How long can you hold your breath” Well, at least for a minute and a half thank you very much. Tell him what he’s won Bob.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Don’t Cry...Dry Your Eye

I was on the downtown 6 train in New York City. A couple sat in the 2-seater bench near the end of the subway car. The woman was crying. The man, trying to console her, pulled out a tissue and went to wipe her eyes. Maybe he was heavy handed or maybe the train jerked but he applied way too much pressure and sent her head banging into the subway wall. Ouch! At least he changed what she was crying about.
“I’m crying because I don’t know where my life is heading...(Ka-Thunk)...I’m crying because my head is throbbing”
I’m sure he felt awful about hitting her head so hard. Maybe she tried to console him.
“It’s okay baby... It’s the thought, not the knot on my head, that counts.”

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Working on the Train Gang

In a span of 10 minutes 3 different groups of young men came on the Subway in NYC and announced they were selling candy to raise money for their high school. These schools really need better funding. Can we really expect these kids to perform well in school and peddle candy? 1 guy was clearly over twenty five. So, obviously the juggling of school and candy sales has forced the poor guy to have to repeat a grade or two or three. Let’s give more to the schools and take back our children’s time. I mean 2 of the guys didn’t even have time to shave. I can only imagine what their lockers look like.