Ok k k

I recently performed at Gettysburg College in Gettysburg PA. Yes, that Gettysburg. ( Four score and seven years ago, Gettysburg). I stayed in the Gettysburg hotel, established in 1787! Sadly, it’s a part of the Best Western chain now. The show went well but afterwards the students told me the KKK will be protesting in Gettysburg the week after my show. (not against me per-se, but blacks in general) They went on to tell me how the college is planning a counter protest. Now, as a black person I should have been really into this discussion but all I could think of was “what’s the thread count on the sheets they use”? I know the sheets are all about hiding their identity and looking menacing but it seems a high thread count would still be desirable. Even a racist can appreciate softness. Then again, sheets that are too soft against the face may make it harder to hate. It would be like being irate while the Snuggle bear is tickling your neck.

GRANDMASTER: The white race is supreme we feel- Chip will you stop giggling and hold the torch straight…Damn High thread count!

Just Add Fur

I was about to get in my car when I saw what looked like a rat scurrying from under my car. I took a step back ready to engage in full flight or full fight. Where are my numchucks when I need them?! As I stood at the ready, I looked down again and noticed it was only a squirrel. I exhaled a sigh of relief. Alas, it was only a cute little squirrel. Now squirrels are in the rodent family too. So why do we love the squirrel and hate the rat. Well, besides the squirrel having a much better Public Relations team, I think it’s the bushy fur tail. Adding fur, especially a furry tail, to anything makes it cute and harmless. Think Mike Tyson…now think Mike Tyson with a cute furry tail. See what I mean. Maybe that’s why Divas like to wear fur. They’re trying to throw everyone off the scent of their raging bitch-dom.

Assistant: She said if there are any green M&M’s in her dressing room she would back slap me with her ring hand…but she was so cute in that Chinchilla.

Little Known Fact That I Made Up: The Roman Army wore fur vests to make the opposing armies put up a weaker fight.

Beware of Gremlins toting weapons and a smirk.