Do Not Bend

I’m sending out dozens of packets with my resume and head shot. The packages are all ready to go, postage and everything. I go to the counter only to have the postal worker stamp each packet with the “Do Not Bend” label. I want my face to get to it’s destination unscathed. The postal worker kindly stamps each package with the “Do Not Bend Label”. After stamping them, she flings the envelopes 15 feet behind her into a huge cloth bin. I chuckled but I don’t think she got the irony. Okay, Do you have a “Do Not Fling Across a Room” stamp?

Are you kidding me Yankees!!??

Oh Yankees why have thou forsaken me? Okay maybe it’s not that serious but I seriously can’t believe the Yankees lost 4 in a row to be the victims of the worst comeback in sports history. This almost negates our 26 World Championships. Almost. I wonder how they feel being the team that had the curse somewhat lifted after all these years. This team is like the one guy who can’t satisfy an oversexed nympho that can climax from a half way decent suggestion.

Nympho:“This is the first time I haven’t reached the mountain top in 800 tries. Thanks for showing me there’s more important things in life than sex”

Guy:”Glad I could help...Could we uh kinda keep this between us”

Tuesday Haiku

Outside looking in
I want access to your soul
Take a chance on me

Making the bed

Whenever I crash at a friend’s place I always like to make the bed when I wake up. The problem is, I’m awful at making beds. I have an excuse though. I grew up sleeping mainly on pull out couches. There’s no making up, just stuff it all in and if the couch can fold back up you done good. I’m thinking about joining the Marines just so I can learn to correctly make a bed. “You call those hospital corners you maggot!?”

Airport pricing

So I'm in LAX and I want some headphones. I go to the gift shop but mainly for shites and giggles. The headphones cost 2.99. I thought it was a typo but it wasn't. 2.99. That's less than a quart of water cost in the airport. Should headphones cost more than water? It's good to know that all those drought stricken villages around the world can at least be sent headphones.

In deep thought and deeper pain ;-) 

French Toast Reigns Supreme

I’m on a flight from NYC to LA. The flight attendants are serving breakfast. The question they repeat to every passenger is “French Toast or cereal” Are you serious?! As if that could ever be in doubt. A warm, sweet, syrupy comforting delight or a bowl of cold, soggy, mulch. One lady answers “French Toast” with such annoyance it’s as if she’s just been asked is she would like a thousand dollars or be kicked in the face by a mule. Hmmn let me think about it......

Evloution Schmavolution

I’m channel surfing, and I come across this church guy, on a public access station, very eloquently and convincingly disproving evolution. I couldn’t believe all the facts and data he had to prove his point. Somehow, all the specifics pertaining to those facts allude me. Just goes to show you truth is what you make it. I mean this guy could make Magellan believe the world is flat. “Well, I thought I went all the way around...”

Airforce One

I always do the presidential wave when I get off small airplanes and have to walk down the steps. I like pretending there’s a press conference with screaming fans and protesters (haters mostly.) The crew always looks at me like “do we know this guy.”

Life Flashing Before me

I’m on a small airplane about to land at Laguardia airport in NYC. During the descend, the pilot takes us over Manhattan, Staten Island and swings a U-turn to go over Brooklyn and Queens before landing. In a 10 minute span I spotted my mother’s building, my high school, the building I grew up in, the building my first job was in and 2 of my aunt’s buildings. In ten minutes I flew over what took me over 25 years to traverse. Of course, I know planes fly very fast but still the aerial summation of my life was both nostalgic and slightly sad. Through all my peaks and valleys I had taken but a mere step in the grand scheme of things. Tray tables up.

Home Sweet Hood

I grew up in Coney Island. The home of Nathans hot dogs. Coney Island is also reknown for producing great basketball players. Anyone up for a one-on-one? Actually, riding the bench 3 years for the HS of Telecommunications "Lasers" should be a clear indicator that I had nothing to do with Coney Island's basketball glory. So I'm reading this sports book that chronicles some hoop stars from my dear old Coney Island. The book is set in my neighborhood, my block to be exact. At first I'm psyched to see Coney Island in print and getting some well deserved props. Then the writer goes on and on about how bad of a neighborhood it is. One critic called it a wasteland. I know I didn't grow up in Mayberry, but a wasteland?! I've spent the last few days asking myself was it really that bad or is the writer inflating things a bit to sell books? It's probably somewhere in the middle. It's not like I vacation there now. So to all my more recent friends who refuse to believe I'm from the mean streets, take a look at "The Last Shot" and chew on that.

Start Blog...Check

I can finally check-off the "start blog" item on my things to do list. Will I need a "write to blog" item now on my daily things to do list? Tiger Woods is great at match play. Well, I have to go practice playing my new ukulele. Today scales tomorrow "tiny bubbles."