Strong Islands

I had a blast in England and it dawned on me that Jolly old England is similar to my hometown of Coney Island(CI).

QSN: Coney Island is actually a peninsula but it's hard to move shirts that say “Coney Peninsula” on them.

Similar in that little places sometimes over achieve. In England they say they punch above their weight. There was a time when the sun never set on the English Empire. This little country the size of Alabama basically had the world in a choke hold. The effects still linger. Ever wonder why the pound is still stronger than the dollar? Usually large sample sets breed greater competition and thus better quality. For example, the best pizza in New York City would probably be better than the yummiest pizza in North Dakota because they are probably 8 times as many pizza shops in New York City.

That's just basic math. But sometimes a smaller sample group focused on one thing can dominate. In my neighborhood we set our sights on basketball and a little neighborhood only 3 avenues wide and 18 blocks long runs the whole city of New York.** Seems improbable but there are 2 NBA players from this tiny place and scores of division 1 players and top prospects on the horizon. Lincoln, The local High School has won the city championship 4 times in a row. This is New York friggin' City we're talking about here! Even on the thug tip you won't find hoods with more legendary reputations, like Bed Stuy, for instance, coming to CI looking for trouble. The CI bunch is athletic and tightly knit. And our brethren from across town can't navigate the interwoven projects like the locals can. Being lost in an unfamiliar project block can be scarier than being in the wilderness with a bear breathing down your tent. Not that we would want it with Bed Stuy either. Shout out to Do or Die.

There's less to do in little places and what there is to do, everybody does it. Coney Island is the last stop in Brooklyn. We couldn't be in Manhattan in 15 minutes. Back then the train didn't connect to the bus for free. And even if you tried to walk far you had to brave Bensonhurst, a tough as nail Italian Neighborhood for those keeping score at home. Basketball anyone? I think this principle can also explain the Wayan family's dominance. A small focused group can do major things.

Another theory is that one special person excels and those around him excel by proxy. Keenan to the Wayans. Michael to the Jacksons. For Coney Island basketball the oldest Marbury brother set it off for not only that family but the whole Coney Island.

This was a case study more than a blog. I hope you enjoyed. Cheerio.

QSN: Coney means rabbit. Apparently there were a lot of Rabbits there at some point. Total number of rabbits I've seen jumping through the projects in my 20 years of living there?: Zero.

**Ive added nothing to the Coney Island basketball lore. I'm not much of a baller. I'm the Wiz Kid hoping to put Coney Island on the map for something else.

UPS Guy Goes Postal

So I ran into a post office last week and a UPS guy came in after me making a delivery...to the Post Office! Is that legal?...In bad taste? Someone had UPS deliver to their PO Box. It's fair to say the Post Office workers were a tad bit perturbed. I had already tested their patience walking in at closing time right at the strike of 5. My entry was welcomed with a...

POSTAL LADY: Ron! Can you please lock the door?!

Then she saw the UPS guy and the look on her face said...”Now This?”

The other people on line* all flashed looks of worry mixed with exhilaration. It was that look you have right before a girl fight is about to go down and you wish you had some popcorn to nervously gnaw on as the hair pulling commences. The people in line all moved forward and without any words our eyes cheered, ”It's on!” My money was on the Postal workers. You never heard anyone say they went all UPS on somebody.

In somewhat of a let down the parties were more civil than anyone expected. In fact, it happens with some regularity. The Postal Posse were a bit annoyed and slightly embarrassed but they begrudgingly accommodated Mr. UPS and no one got hurt.

It kind of looked like a funny commercial where even the Post Office uses UPS. As an aside, I recently auditioned for a UPS commercial where the Fedex Guy and Mail man are looking at the UPS guy with envious amazement. Funny ad but I like my real life scenario better.

I didn't get the commercial.

* New Yorkers often say “on-line” instead on “in-line” Just wanted to let you know that I know and also give a shout to NYC.

Flying Carpet

I'm going to an event tonight where I'm one of the invited Red Carpet guests. It's a party for the Junior membership of the Hollywood Radio and Television Society. I've always been fascinated by how people react to Red Carpets. Take a disheveled hipster walking down the street and no one thinks much of it. Put that same guy on a red carpet and now he's someone people need to know.

I love to watch onlookers try to figure out who people are on the red carpet.

ONLOOKER1: Who's that?

ONLOOKER2: I don't know but let's get his autograph.

Onlookers just assume that it's their bad they don't recognize the folks cheesing for the camera. See someone you have never laid eyes on walking on a red carpet and clearly you need to get out less. The best is when someone comes up to me and asks,

INQUIRER: Are you somebody?

Are they inquiring into my popularity or is this a philosophical question tackling the of existence of mankind.

ME: I walk on red carpets, therefore I am?

If this kind of thing becomes common place for me I may start giving my red carpet passes to my cousins from Brooklyn (the ones who never left Brooklyn) and let them go in my stead. Of course I would post up near by with a ginger ale and bag of pretzels watching people try to place the guy biddy boppin with a Yankee hat on and a toothpick in his mouth.

PRESS: And what do you do?

MY COUSIN: I do me son...Fix ya face!

Ginger ale pretzels and a fish out of water...What more could you ask for?

Passing the Bucks

Here's an excerpt of a conversation I heard between two Starbucks workers in New York.

WORKER 1: Yo, you know Sam is allergic to mocha right?

WORKER 2: Word?

WORKER 1: Yeah he can't even touch it or he'll break out, yo.

WORKER 2: Word?

WORKER 1: But it's only Starbucks chocolate that makes him break out. Crazy right?

WORKER 2: Word.

This Sam sounds like my kind of guy. Get a job then find a loophole that precludes you from doing nearly half the work required of you. Before the manager of this Starbucks embarks on an exhaustive study to isolate the ingredient in their mocha powder that might be an allergenic I suggest they check old Sam's character.

His story might check out but even if it does doesn't it simply mean he can't work at Starbucks. I mean I can't join the circus as a tight rope walker and then spring my fear of heights on them on my first day of work.

ME: Guys, I'm actually deathly afraid of heights. But I'm cool standing on the platform and waving. I've really spend a lot of time getting my wave down pat...so you guys balance and I'll wave...cool?

I wanted to chime in but I bit my tongue, ordered my Awake tea, Grande with one tea bag and went on my way.

Make That Change

I recently spent a few days in jolly old London. I must admit, even this native New Yorker had to adjust to London's speed. I wouldn't say it's New York on steroids. More like New York on creatine and protein shakes.

What is on steroids is the pound compared to the dollar. The prices are deceiving because they make sense in dollars but when you do the math you realize that your decision to super-size your cheeseburger meal at McDonald's is really going to cost you 9 US dollars. That's like airport in Beverly Hills prices. And Beverly Hills doesn't have an airport.

The main reason an American and his money are soon departed in the UK is the usage of pound coins. They have a 1 pound, two pound and 5 pound coin. Coin I tell ya! My US mentality of being willy nilly with coins really wreaked havoc on my bottom line.

Sure we have dollar coins but they're more of a novelty. When we get them our minds begin to race. The first thing we think is this dollar coin may be worth something. But the fact that it was dispensed as change from a ticket machine forces you to rethink your trip to the Antiques Road show. Our second thought is one of mild horror. Will this “dollar” get lost amongst my other change. What if I lose it or pass it on thinking it's a quarter?! We have to rid ourselves of the shiny anomaly burning a hole in our pocket. It's currency cooties and we're looking to pass it on as soon as possible. You might even buy something you don't want or need just to end it. And as you pay you have to repeatedly announce to the clerk that you're handing him a dollar.

I will even give my dollar coins to a lucky transient. And as I drop in into his cup, I proudly declare that I'm giving him a dollar and he should be careful not to mix it up with the other small change “others” have given him. Maybe he could put my gracious gift in another pocket. Perhaps he should have another cup for dollar coins.

Usually though, my homeless beneficiary looks as annoyed by the coin as I was. Time to trade in my London coinage for some greenbacks.

Lights, Camera, Action Heroes

I use long airplane flights to see movies I wouldn't watch in my regular life. If the movie is bad, no skin off my teeth as I didn't pay to see it. If the movie is good, I'm pleasantly surprised and again I didn't pay to see it. An 11 hour flight from Los Angeles to London and another 11 hour flight from London to Johannesburg offers ample opportunity to roll the proverbial movie dice.

So I watched the latest Fast & Furious. They should make another category in the Academy Awards for: Best Action Hero Saying Ridiculous lines while keeping a straight face. It's a gift I tell you. There were easily 10 lines that Vin Diesel said with not a hint of irony that a lesser man could not have pulled off. The badder the script, the better the actor must be to pull it off. Anyone can connect with losing a loved one or a cheating spouse but try telling a bad guy...”You're a bad apple, and tainted fruit salad makes me angry” without giggling. I know I couldn't. They would kick me off the set...

ME: Can we cut? I'm sorry but who talks like this? See here when I say “Evil doesn't take a day off but I'm gonna make it call in sick” Can't I just say “I'm going to fix the problem”?...okay fine I'll do it your way. I just hope you can edit out my giggling.

The best at it is Jason Statham. His work in Crank 2 has got to be the best piece of acting ever. He died in Crank 1! He died! So you see everything he does in Crank II is ridiculous. He spends the whole movie trying to get back his heart. But at every step along the way he must recharge the battery powering the fake heart put in by the people who took his real heart out. I'm not sure why they put the fake heart in. They probably regretted that decision 40 minutes into the movie when he came to kick some heart remover ass. Again I wouldn't last.

ME: I died in part one! I plummeted to the ground from a hundred stories in the air. Wouldn't that break every bone in my body. Don't your shoes fly off when you fall from that height?

My friend plays the inquisitive office detective in Fast & Furious. Her job was to set Mr Diesel up for the loaded one liners, saying things like “What makes you so sure?” and “Take a look at this...” She didn't skip a beat and adeptly navigated all the heavy handedness. I sat in amazement at her belief in the utterly unbelievable.

So Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, Clive Owen and all the others who boldly take improbable scripts and execute them like the real pros that they are, I say thank you.

Stop, Collaborate & Listen

So I'm in Johannesburg, South Africa with my good friend David Kau. We're at his house watching “South Africa's Got Talent.” I never watch these kind of shows but when in Jo-Burg...Plus I was tired and jet lagged so a mind numbing talent show was probably just what my brain needed. I was willing to roll the dice on the impact on my soul.

Just when I thought my soul would cry one prolonged tear, a commercial came on that rejuvenated not only my soul but my mind and body as well. For years American stars have been secretly dipping over to Europe or Asia and pushing products for the man. And why not. I know I would sell toothpaste in the Netherlands if it meant I get to keep my house and not become a cast member of the Surreal Life.

So I perked up when a Castle Light commercial came on pushing their new Ice beer and Vanilla Ice appeared on the screen dancing and rapping Ice Ice Baby. The commercial was hilarious and I'm officially giving much props to Vanilla Ice and to South Africa for getting the joke and letting Vanilla Ice get in on the joke.

If you want people to laugh with you and not at you then you simply have to join them in the laughter.

Ask yourself, would you rather work for UPS for 30 years or have one hit record and spend the rest of your life traveling the world performing that one song. I say suck it up and prepare for take-off.

Castle Lite Vanilla Ice Commercial

even Louis Gossett Jr. got a piece