Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Wanna go large...For only 3 more dollars a day you could…Wanna try our deluxe…We also offer…before you hang up, wanna join our gold protection...that one is ok but to really enjoy HD…Oh that button doesn’t work with your plan, but to activate it…
I’m sure that if you hired Dr Kevorkian* to kill you, right before he did he would say…
DR KEVORKIAN: You know for an additional hundred I can make this euthanasia even quicker and even less painful. You’ll take it?...Great! Now for an additional grand I can cure you and eliminate the need to kill you. It’s only a grand more!
If the latter service they try to pawn off on you is so great and the former so not and strictly for losers then the question becomes…why do they even have the former. So the thing you already sold me is trash?
The other problem with all this up selling is that it makes the lines go that much slower. I just want the base model but now I have to stand there for 12 minutes while a hard of earring 80 year old women toys with the idea of getting satellite radio, road side assistance and a sunroof on her mercury Topaz car rental.
No place is this more prevalent that the Post Office-----àWARP BLOG***
At least Vegas works in reverse. They down sell you until you have nothing but your shattered dreams left. In Vegas there’s nickel and penny slots in the airport. It’s like they’re saying…why even bother taking that nickel home. Come on, fork it over. Would you leave a swig of Kool Aid in the container? No you would finish it off. Give it here.
*Kevorkian – Doctor who assisted terminally ill people commit suicide
*** A new thing I do when a blog inspires another blog. It’s for when a Quick Side Note takes on a life all its own….Or am I trying to up sell you to read another free blog? Look for this blog’s WARP in a day or two.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
There’s so much to be thankful for, even if you don’t get down with the silly Pilgrim/Indian angle.
PILGRIM: Enjoy your Turkey Chief Running Out Of Time…It might be your last.
Still though, minus the Turkey and marketing slant, there’s much to be thankful for. I’m thankful for all you folks who read my blog and for all the people you have told and are going to tell others about my blog (hint hint) . Thanks for having a meeting of the minds with me in cyberspace. And thanks for the comments. I read them and they crack me up.
Two people are popping into my head a lot today on this Thanksgiving eve.
Lawrence Lee**, who drove me to work and back everyday for over a month when I didn’t have a car. And I wasn’t on his way. He lived close to work but drove almost a ½ hour out of the way to get me and took me back at night. Lawrence and I were strangers prior to me working for the company.
The 2nd person on my mind and heart is Carrie Caldwell. My aunt Carrie, on consecutive Easters bought me a new suit to wear even thought she had five kids of her own to pimp out. Back in those days, you had to have new wares on Easter or you were completely not gelin’. I’m not sure if I could have prevailed over the deep scars not being fresh two Easters in a row would have caused. Crisis averted.
It’s hard to pay back people like this who have been so giving and kind to you. My only hope is that I will pay it forward. I’ll never forget and I’ll be forever humbled by your acts of goodness.
* Lyric from an old R&B song by William DeVaughn about being thankful. Most people know the “Diamond in the Back, Sunroof top… refrain used time and again by rappers who usually change the meaning of the original song.
**If you’re reading this and know Lawrence please tell him to shout me out.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Of course, now that I wrote this, it will probably snow 12 inches next week.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Then the younger transient complimented my blazer and shirt. He asked me if my shirt was Ralph Lauren and said he used to have one just like it. He said it was a quality cut. I told him my shirt was not Ralph Lauren but it was custom made. So you see how he was in the right ballpark. Now, before you accuse me of going soft, I got the shirt made in Korea where a custom made shirt is still probably less than a off the rack shirt from say Banana Republic.
I instantly changed my opinion of him. Sure he was still homeless but this guy use to live a different life, a life of culture and class. And although in this current state of despair he still had an appreciation of the finer things. Pretty amazing what a well placed compliment can do. I gave him a buck. Honestly I can’t remember whether it was before or after the barrage of compliments.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
On this production, they were able to get Ray Parker Junior to co-star. Ray Parker Junior wrote and sang the Ghostbusters Movie theme song. He was uber cool. And best of all he still loves the Ghostbusters song. You can say "Who you gonna call?!" and he will say "Ghostbusters!" That's cool. It's probably incredibly old for him but he won't deny you your fun…A true gentleman. Jimmy Walker won't say DYN-O-MITE! Henry Winkler would rather not say Ehhhhhh! Now all I need to hear is that Shucky Ducky won't say Quack Quack.
These catch phrases mean so much more to us. They conjure up memories of times long gone. We can never go back to grade school but we can say "What you talkin' about Willis?!" Where were you when you first heard "I'm Rick James Bitch!"?
Why the Peanut costumes? Long Story. Let's hope the pilot gets picked up so you can see why.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
At least people are trying to put out original, albeit God awful, content. I’ll take the CNS Dance over someone getting hit in the groin, or a cat dressed in a sweater on America’s “Funniest” Home Videos any day. Maybe people sent in the CNS dance, or the nineties equivalent, to AFHV but they screened out everything but good ole “funny” groin mutilation.
Maybe all these Chicken Noodle Soup dancers should get hit in the groin at the end of their clips. Comedy Gold!
I can’t wait until some wife files for divorce citing Youtube or myspace as the reason why.
WIFE: You don’t need to network! You got me right here! Why don’t you have someone
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
What has the world come to? Do the people in first class really need their ego stroked even as they board ahead of everyone else? I know they pay a lot more and for that they get to sit and gloat with a beverage in hand as the plebs struggle down the aisle only to get crammed in like veal. If someone from coach walks over the red carpet when they board will they get in trouble? What if there’s a gate with no red carpet? Does the flight have to be delayed until United can find a red carpet for the First class folks to walk over Can red rose petals be used as a substitute?; Or maybe the blood from someone sitting in Coach?
GATE LADY: First Class can now board over Phil from Coach’s bloody body. Stay down Phil!
I’m sure most people, including those in First Class, didn’t notice the silly lengths that United went to to make First Class feel…first and Coach feel…last.
Funny thing though. We all landed in Los Angeles just the same. Sure I had a cramp in my neck but I can go get 400 mall massages with the money I saved not flying in first. Maybe that’s the next step…. making people in coach get off the plane a few miles from the airport and walk the tarmac. No carpet of course.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
7 YEAR OLD ALL GROWN UP : Gotta stack…yeah…Gotta stack.
One girl stacks with her tongue out and she said “it worked for Michael Jordan.”
Once upon a time, i think there was this guy who was not good at any sport. His friends teased him and he finally got fed up and said…
GUY NOT GOOD AT SPORTS: Oh Yeah?! I bet I can stack cups better than you!!...
And a “sport” was born.
Did I mention that it was an international event? It came down to Germany vs USA. The crowd chanted USA..USA.. as a lone German flag waved. I won’t give away the ending.
Don’t believe me
Make sure you watch and read the comments! Hilarious!
You Tube Stacking Clip
Thursday, August 16, 2007
What struck me is that everything about the place is minor league. Obviously the players are. But the players are not as minor as everything else. Every facet of the place reveals a person or entity vying to get to the next level. The whole thing is a big elaborate audition. The umpires want to be in the big time. The say “Striiike!”, a little louder than they need to. The Mascots are a little off. That guy in the hot dog suit would love to be Mr. Met one day. He turns down no pictures…ever. The announcer is more amped than the situation calls for. He’s wants his voice blaring from Yankee Stadium one day. The -sound guy is too active. The “din ni ni ni ni ni…Charge” comes in on non-charging situations. He hopes to be behind the sound board at Dodger stadium. The sponsors are minor league. The banners in the outfield are of companies not big enough to advertise on prime time: Sal’s Transmissions, Bridge Pharmacy…
This desire to be more makes for a great time. They give away more prizes. The mascots come into the stands during the game. You get the feeling that you could just walk out into the field if you want. They have something to prove and try their darnest to prove it to the small audience in attendance. They try harder. It’s like the baseball equivalent to dating a big girl. Sorry big girls. You know I love you. You don’t have to go the extra mile for me…not that you could…I kid, I kid. *
I recommend going to a Minor League game for Major League fun.
Shout out to the Minor League folks with a major league complex. And the winner was me.
*Some of my best friends are big. :-)
Friday, August 03, 2007
My last flight was particular dodgy. I was assigned the dreaded middle seat.
QSN: I once had a middle seat on a flight to Germany. I was stuck between an ex-linebacker and a woman with an over active bladder. Of course Ms Pee-A-Lot sat by the window.
I took the walk of pain to my seat only to realize I was in the last row. Yippie, Two whole inches to recline, now that’s vertical comfort folks?! But as luck would have it, Henry Rollins of the Henry Rollins Band* fame was sitting in the aisle seat next to me. I introduced myself and it was off to the races.
The whole thing kind of validates me driving a stick shift Saturn with manual windows. Henry drives a Subaru by the way... I got money in the bank ‘cause I don’t buy girls drinks….
Shout out to the brother sitting by the window. I hope our talking didn’t stop you from getting your sleep on and please forgive me for breaking the brother “code” by talking to Henry first. I would appreciate it if you didn’t report me.
* Henry Rollins had a huge hit record in the Nineties called “I’m a Liar” it dominated the MTV airwaves for months. But check out all his accomplishments for yourself at http://21361.com/
Monday, July 09, 2007
COPY-EE: Stop it. Cut it out. You Jackass
DWAYNE: Stop it. Cut it out. You Jackass
COPY-EE: Dwayne smells like a turd
DWAYNE: Dwayne smells like a turd
COPYEE: I‘m going to stab you
DWAYNE: I‘m going to stab you
COPY-EE: See, I told you stop messing with me. Now your intestines are spilling out.
DWAYNE: See, I told you stop messing with me. Now your intestines are spilling out.
COPY-EE: Dude, you’re gonna die. I’ll only call 911 if you stop!
DWAYNE: Dude, you’re gonna die. I’ll only call 911 if you stop!
In the above scenario the actor playing Dwayne would die but… it’s funny, the Copy-ee is annoyed as hell and he’s got to explain to the authorities how and why he did it. But maybe he could use that same tactic on the cops, until his lawyer shows up.
COP: Why did you do it?
COPY-EE: Why did you do it?
COP: Speak up punk.
COPY-EE: Speak up punk.
COP: I’m gonna break your face you maggot.
COPY-EE: I’m gonna break your face you maggot.
COP: Fine, Hey Jack, go get the plunger….
COPY-EE: Fine, Hey Jack, go get the…What?!
*Direct quote from Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Shake and Bake..That Just Happened!
Monday, June 25, 2007
BUSINESS ROLLER: We make this deal or I roll…literally.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
I can’t believe how many Michael’s craft stores there are in the country. It seems like every strip mall I find myself in has one. I didn’t know
And I’m not even mentioning all the Mom and Pop craft stores. Who has time to do all this stuff…really?! Then again, I suppose one could get a lot done, if they didn’t spend 4 hours a day on Myspace.
Stay Crafty America!
* Of course I’m not advocating that Grand Ma’s put down their yarn. We need them to make us disproportionate blankets and they need to make them for us. Those Trapezoid blankets come from love.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
I returned to my car after visiting a friend to find that I couldn’t find my keys. After an extensive search of his place and the perimeter of my car, I could only conclude that I maybe left the keys in the door and someone had them. I never lock my keys in the car because my base level ’04 Saturn Ion has manual everything. People get in my car and take 2 minutes to figure out how roll the window down. Then they take another minute actually rolling the window down.** I guest-ti-mate that rolling down and up a manual window burns 8 Calories. So my car is like a traveling Gym…when you think about it.
My friend and I went to grab a bite, he drove, to maybe let my mind marinate a bit to figure out where I put the keys. Before we left I looked longingly at my car thinking that would be the last time I saw “Da O–Four.”
After washing down my protein style Double Double** with some Diet Coke, we returned to resume the key hunt. Good news: was the car was still there….whew. Bad news: We still couldn’t find the key. After another solid 10 minutes of our key quest, I noticed a small piece of paper on my windshield. I opened the paper and it was a tiny note that said “Check the Gas Tank!” I did as instructed and alas my keys where there safe and sound. The person took nothing and did not even leave their name or number. Thank you...Person who put my keys in the Gas Tank! Thank you soooo much.
I’m a victim of an R.A.K. (Random Act of Kindness.) I hope to pay it forward in some way or another. Maybe I’ll finally help that African Minister of Finance that’s been sending me email about his 80 Million dollar oil reserve he needs to put into my checking account.
This all happened in Westwood
People, People who need People…^
**Check In and Out burger. Protein style means with no bun wrapped in extra lettuce.
^ People – Popular Barbara Streisand song.
Monday, May 21, 2007
I was on a plane and before take off they said “It’s against federal regulations to tamper with, disable or destroy airplane bathroom fire detectors.” Okay….don’t you have to tamper with something to disable it. Furthermore, if you destroy something it’s pretty safe to assume that you’ve also disabled it. (Obi-Wan Kenobi* being the lone exception…”Luke, use the Force”)
Or maybe they’re afraid too many people would use the loophole. Like a mother tells her oldest not to mess with his younger sibling. She returns to find the young child has expired.
KID: You said don’t mess with him… You didn’t say anything about destroying him.
MOM: You got me silly. Now get ready for dinner, we’ll dump your brother later.
(A morbid thought indeed.)
CAPTAIN LITERAL: But what about people with telekinesis** ….What if they use gloves or a bat…they could just spit on it or pour a water…that’s not touching…
Captain Literals are tampering with, disabling and destroying America
* Obi-Wan Kenobi: Guy from Star Wars movie who guided Luke Sky Walker even after Darth Vader destroyed him.
* Obi-Wan Kenobi: Guy from Star Wars movie who guided Luke Sky Walker even after Darth Vader destroyed him.
**Telekinesis: the power to move something by thinking about it without the application of physical force
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Why is Dwayne Wade so pressed to be in Charles Barkley's 5?!
What's up Charles' ass that he can't add one of the NBA's best to his five?
even more importantly
What exactly is a five?
Then again, I'm the guy who never understood why the rabbit couldn't have any Trix. It was his damn cereal. He was on the cover for crying out loud. That would be like banning Oprah from reading the 'O' magazine.
I'm actually not allowed to look at my blog page. So let's keep this between us.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
I watched Star Wars Episode 2: “Attack of the Clones” again this week. It’s my favorite of the prequels. No hate mail please. I’m sure your favorite is good too and you have compelling reasons why. The one thought I kept having through the movie was “How come they can’t tell the Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is behind all strife in the force/universe.” (QSN: I always try to have at least on slash in all my recurring thoughts :0))
It’s easy to track evil, just follow the money. Palpatine has the most to gain from all the madness. He very humbly and reluctantly accepts total control of the senate until they “figure things out.” Whoever gains the most is probably who you should blame the most. (QSN: Jesse Jackson would be proud :D)) You should always follow the money and power. Not to mention Palpatine’s evil sneer, that insincere smirk and above all else… the beady eyes! Beady eyes are beady for a reason. They get stuck that way from years of rubbing your hands together and plotting the demise of others’. It’s hard to plan someone’s demise without squinting your eyes. Go ahead and try. But look throughout history, no traitor or sneaky person ever had wide-open, inviting eyes. Unless they were those really big scary eyes which is probably the person over compensating for their natural beady eyes.
So Yoda and company can sense things hundreds of miles away, move objects without touching them, put thoughts into people’s heads but completely miss beady eyes!
Good thing nothing like that could happen in real life.
Let the nerd jokes begin :-)
QSN: Quick Side Note
Friday, March 16, 2007
The song “Throw Some D’s on that Bitch” is my new favorite guilty pleasure. And now that Kanye West is on the remix, it’s on for real. The original song was about putting- excuse me- throwing rims on a car (twenty inch rims to be exact) Kanye’s verse is about girls getting fake boobs (size D cups to be exact.) Not sure if you know this but every time you listen to “Throw Some D’s…” you loose .278 IQ points. But ahh it’s so worth it. You know what the song also has become?…You guessed it, my response to everything. It’s so much fun. Even if it makes no sense; in your next conversation with a friend make “throwing D’s” your response to anything.
FRIEND: I think my dog is sick.
YOU: Have you tried throwing some D’s on that bitch
FRIEND2: I think Barack Obama has a real shot at this thing.
YOU: I like his chances more if he throws some D’s on that bitch
HUSBAND: C’mon honey. Why just last week I threw some D’s on that Bitch.
Hours of enjoyment!
On a side note:
It’s good to see all areas of the country acknowledged by hip hop. Dirty South, East Coast, West Coast, Mid West, hell even
Friday, March 02, 2007
Recently, I spend a few days in the Grange hotel in
There were mail boxes in the lobby. I saw a guy in flip flops coming down to check his mail. Another couple had groceries, but way too much crap for a short hotel stay. Another guy, had his dog in the elevator to go for a walk. And not the cute dogs you carry around in a bag, a huge stay at home dog with dripping tongue and all. My room had a kitchenette and the iron was in the hallway. We had to share. I felt like I was staying in a commune without the ideology.
ME: I’ll have the communal lifestyle and … could you hold the sing-a-longs.
It was kind of like renting a car from someone’s house. Maybe Mavis instead of Avis.
MAVIS: Well, no one is using that Corolla in the driveway. How about I let you use that for a few days? You gonna be needin’ the coverage baby?
Thursday, January 04, 2007
I guess it’s cool to break resolutions and it’s funny for everyone to share their failures. So, dressing failure up in a funny costume makes it okay? If a clown knocks on your door and punches you in the face when you answer, does the fact that it’s a clown make your black eye heal quicker? Kind of like if a tree falls in the woods… Maybe someone reading this has been punched by a clown. If so, I just hope Bozo didn’t put his body into it. Clearly resolutions are basically a wish list and you shouldn’t feel bad if you falter on your quest. But if on January 2nd you’re already glib about not reaching your goals, then why make them in the first place. It’s better for your mental psyche if you just don’t make any at all. Then, at least you haven’t failed. Making fun of breaking them is like hookers who try to convince you they love their job and are getting paid to do what they love. Yeah right, and is that the reason Pretty Woman is 8 out of ten hooker’s favorite movie. So, Happy New Year everyone! Don’t get down on yourself if your resolutions fall through the cracks but why not give it the college try. Of course, now that I’ve written this, I have to do the same. :-)
It’s never too late to be what you could have been…