So there’s this guy on the Today show last week with an incredible memory.* He remembers everything in his life from age 11 on, and he’s probably in his late forties. He remembers the time, date and day of every event in his life. He also can tell you things like what day of the week it will be when he turns seventy-five. He knows all the upcoming leap years and lunar eclipses. All this without any thought.
A guy with this kind of mind must work for NASA or teach at MIT right? But when Matt Lauder asks memory Man what he does for a living, he says he’s between jobs. I know slackers with negative motivation who don’t go a week without landing a gig. Why didn’t memory man lie? Say you’re a consultant. Say you’re working on a project. Say you’re a freelancer. Heck, Say you’re an actor or a comedian. But please don’t be on national TV touting your mental prowess and follow it up by saying you’re unemployed.
He should just rent himself out for Trivial Pursuit or those trivia games in the bars. I would pay him to feed me answers into an earpiece.
MY FRIEND1: Why is Dwayne betting on Trivial Pursuit?
MYFRIEND2: So unlike Dwayne but I’m gonna take his money because how much could he possibly know about Australian Aborigine culture?
DWAYNE: I believe the answer is Corroboree. Pay up!!... What?...Nothing’s in my ear. Ok…game over…time for you guys to leave.
I just hope this guy’s connection with his past hasn’t robbed him of his future…or present for that matter.
*Memory Man Rick Baron
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-05-12-super-memory_n.htm
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Oh My Stars
I am writing this blog from my hotel room in Dubai. You know what it is. Anyway, it's a beautiful place and my hotel room over looks the beach and another hotel called the Burj Al Arab. It's supposedly the world's only 7 star hotel. Mind you, I think five stars is the highest they go. I'm not sure what they did/do to skip 6 and go straight to 7 stars. I mean my hotel is probably 4 or 5 stars and I can barely do anything myself. They're accomodating to the point of annoyance.
Ultimately, there's got to be diminishing returns on these stars. One, I can only imagine how much a 7 star hotel costs. (i'm not paying for my room btw. You know what it is:-) Two, the more stars you have the closer you get to not being alive or maybe being an infant. At 10 stars someone baths you and puts a diaper on you. At 11, they chew your food for you then transfer it to your mouth. 14 stars you get pushed around on a gurney all day. I mean there's luxury and then there's high cost butt kissing.
I never even understood turn down service. They come in your room, leave a chocolate and crease the corner of your bed spread. Ohhh, that's how you get inside the sheets. All this time at home I've been sleeping on top of the comforter with a jacket on. Turn down service is like having a person just dedicated to keeping your bookmark. Ahh, I'm done with my reading tonight. Belvedere, you mind making a crease on page 216?
Turn down service is just an excuse for them to come check your mini bar. How about they make the mini bar reasonable and they won't have to pay someone to spy on you every night. The money they lose on the 600% mark-ups they would make back on not paying the nightly chocolate spy.Maybe I would be singing a different tune if I was sitting on a heated toilet seat or had a bed that smells of Apple Blossoms and makes you have happy dreams. Maybe.
QSN:Shout out to all the great people in Dubai and all their help and kindess. Especially my driver who helped get find a power plug for my laptop.
QSN:The picture was taken from my room's balcony. Don't be hatin'.
QSN -Quick Side Note
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Jane, Stop This Crazy Thing
Earlier this year, I was at my local gym on a gorgeous Los Angeles day. This was the kind of day you call your friends and family back east and brag about.
LA BRAGGER: You shoveled snow today? That’s too bad. It’s picture perfect here. I’m in shorts and a tank top and a butterfly landed on my hand just as 8 supermodels came up and asked me for directions. They thought the butterfly was sooo cute...or was that me they said was cute? I can’t remember but I’m hanging with them later so I’ll ask them then….Did I mention the smell of Lilac wafting through the air?
The weather is Los Angeles’ ace in the hole. It’s the one thing that almost offsets the traffic, earthquakes, mudslides, fires and flakes.
I completed my light-weight but high rep circuit training and was about to leave and soak up some LA rays. On my way out I noticed a long line for the treadmills. On a picture perfect day people were waiting in line to run in place. When I say perfect, I don’t mean hot. I mean perfect, 72 and sunny with a warm breeze. These people are akin to the mice that won’t leave their cage even when it’s open.
I didn’t even have a gym membership my first 5 years in LA. I only got one to get my light-weight pump on when I’m on the road.
These are the same people who go to a gallery to look at pictures of the landscape they just drove through to get to the gallery.
Please, no comments about impact on the knees. So Cal has more parks than you can shake a Red Vine at.
At least George Jetson had the whole no atmosphere excuse for his treadmill escapades. *
*Pic of George Jetson on the treadmill:
http://www.animationusa.com/picts/hbpict/hp02/2_Jane-Stop.jpg
LA BRAGGER: You shoveled snow today? That’s too bad. It’s picture perfect here. I’m in shorts and a tank top and a butterfly landed on my hand just as 8 supermodels came up and asked me for directions. They thought the butterfly was sooo cute...or was that me they said was cute? I can’t remember but I’m hanging with them later so I’ll ask them then….Did I mention the smell of Lilac wafting through the air?
The weather is Los Angeles’ ace in the hole. It’s the one thing that almost offsets the traffic, earthquakes, mudslides, fires and flakes.
I completed my light-weight but high rep circuit training and was about to leave and soak up some LA rays. On my way out I noticed a long line for the treadmills. On a picture perfect day people were waiting in line to run in place. When I say perfect, I don’t mean hot. I mean perfect, 72 and sunny with a warm breeze. These people are akin to the mice that won’t leave their cage even when it’s open.
I didn’t even have a gym membership my first 5 years in LA. I only got one to get my light-weight pump on when I’m on the road.
These are the same people who go to a gallery to look at pictures of the landscape they just drove through to get to the gallery.
Please, no comments about impact on the knees. So Cal has more parks than you can shake a Red Vine at.
At least George Jetson had the whole no atmosphere excuse for his treadmill escapades. *
*Pic of George Jetson on the treadmill:
http://www.animationusa.com/picts/hbpict/hp02/2_Jane-Stop.jpg
Monday, April 28, 2008
Pretty Crazy in Pink
You can file this under “Only in LA.” I recently saw a woman wearing all pink at a commercial audition. (We weren’t going in for the same thing) Everything was pink: her outfit, accessories and even her dog. Yes, she had a Pink dog. My uncanny ability to ease drop on nearby conversations was not well served. With no headphones or way to stop my brain and ears from teaming up, I was at their mercy to capture then process the Lady in Pink’s conversation. Without a hint of irony Ms Pink told another lady waiting that she dyes her dog with Beet juice once a month to achieve the Pink coat.
The really sad part: the other woman was intrigued and I’m pretty sure was making a mental note of the beet brew. So Ms Pink is spreading her gospel. I guess I’m spreading her gospel too. I trust none of my readers are going to use this beet juice knowledge for evil.
This is a clear case of style gone wild. There’s simply not enough hugging in this world. Please hug someone today. You might save a dog from a beet juice baptism and a doggie sweater. Now you know why the dog is Man’s best friend.
QSN: The dog was a poodle. But you knew that. I wrote a blog about beets a while back. It’s actually good to see someone find some use for beets, aka the most disgusting food known to man. **
**Blog Warp to my previous post on beets.
The really sad part: the other woman was intrigued and I’m pretty sure was making a mental note of the beet brew. So Ms Pink is spreading her gospel. I guess I’m spreading her gospel too. I trust none of my readers are going to use this beet juice knowledge for evil.
This is a clear case of style gone wild. There’s simply not enough hugging in this world. Please hug someone today. You might save a dog from a beet juice baptism and a doggie sweater. Now you know why the dog is Man’s best friend.
QSN: The dog was a poodle. But you knew that. I wrote a blog about beets a while back. It’s actually good to see someone find some use for beets, aka the most disgusting food known to man. **
**Blog Warp to my previous post on beets.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Trans Trucker
Last week I saw a guy in Starbucks in LA, a normal trucker looking guy with a beard, gray shirt and jeans on. What’s so odd about that you ask? Well, on top of what I already described this guy also had on a long brown wig and he had boobs. Is he butch or just the laziest transvestite in the history of men dressing fabulous? Other than the boobs and wig he was as normal and guy acting as a guy can be. It was like The Cable guy meets Rupaul. At one point he asked someone to watch his laptop while he went to the restroom, but without a hint of acknowledging his freakish appearance. He seemed oblivious to the fact that he had boobs. He even had a deep man voice he wasn’t trying to hide. There was nothing feminine about him other than, well…the boobage and wig. I felt like telling him he had boobs the same way you tell a friend they’ve got mustard on their cheek.
ME: Dude you got a little boob stuff going on right there….No, it’s still there…to the left...here just let me get it…
The best part of living in LA and being from New York...not only did people not care they didn’t even acknowledge him. Trucker guy with boobs? Outstanding. Now back to my Rooibos tea.
Now contrast this guy with the things that make you self conscious. Not even close.
ME: Dude you got a little boob stuff going on right there….No, it’s still there…to the left...here just let me get it…
The best part of living in LA and being from New York...not only did people not care they didn’t even acknowledge him. Trucker guy with boobs? Outstanding. Now back to my Rooibos tea.
Now contrast this guy with the things that make you self conscious. Not even close.
Friday, March 28, 2008
99 problems But Inflation Ain’t One…Hit Me!
My friend recently called me up in arms saying that the 99cents* store had gone up in price. Turns out what my friend the alarmist was referring to was a few items that used to be 2 for a $.99 now cost 59 cents each. I didn’t have the heart or energy to point out to my friend that 59 cents is less than 99 cents. No, he can take that up with his 2nd grade teacher.
At some point though, won’t the 99 cents store have to change its name to the One dollar and 29 cents store? I mean when cars fly, robot computers cook breakfast for you and gas is $8 dollars a gallon can the 99 cents store still exist? A pair of no name sneakers costs $150 dollars but I can still get a half gallon of baby powder for a buck? It doesn’t add up. Or maybe the product sizes will just get smaller….
CASHIER: Ok...a slice of bologna and a small hand full of Pepperidge farm goldfish crackers…That’ll be One dollar and 98 cents, sir.
QSN: The 99cents stores in Los Angeles are way different than the ones I’ve seen in other cities. In New York for instance, the dollar store will have stuff like faded Dukes of Hazzard Placemats, or broken Joey Lawrence lunch boxes. I write about the LA 99 cents store because it’s a place for real bargains. And they’re even traded on the Stock Market. 99 cents a share :-) And no, they don’t pay me.
QSN: Quick Side Note.
* http://www.99only.com/
At some point though, won’t the 99 cents store have to change its name to the One dollar and 29 cents store? I mean when cars fly, robot computers cook breakfast for you and gas is $8 dollars a gallon can the 99 cents store still exist? A pair of no name sneakers costs $150 dollars but I can still get a half gallon of baby powder for a buck? It doesn’t add up. Or maybe the product sizes will just get smaller….
CASHIER: Ok...a slice of bologna and a small hand full of Pepperidge farm goldfish crackers…That’ll be One dollar and 98 cents, sir.
QSN: The 99cents stores in Los Angeles are way different than the ones I’ve seen in other cities. In New York for instance, the dollar store will have stuff like faded Dukes of Hazzard Placemats, or broken Joey Lawrence lunch boxes. I write about the LA 99 cents store because it’s a place for real bargains. And they’re even traded on the Stock Market. 99 cents a share :-) And no, they don’t pay me.
QSN: Quick Side Note.
* http://www.99only.com/
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I was recently cruising down the 405 in beautiful Los Angeles...rewind…Ok, I was recently in bumper to bumper traffic on the 405 with my windows up to reduce my intake of the infamous LA Smog. I was perusing through my preset radio stations searching for the perfect song to take my mind off my potentially frustrating stagnant state. The batteries in my radio transmitter that plays my mp3 player on an empty radio station were dead. So I was at the mercy of my factory installed 6 preset radio sans CD player, satellite radio or even cassette player for that matter.
Now, I don’t hit a good song and stop. I’m too optimistic/hard to please to have my in-car radio strategy be that simple. I go through all the presets and sample what’s being played. Only after ensuring I know the best song currently playing (with at least a minute of play time left of course) then and only then do I settle in to the best song available and get my groove on.
This can be frustrating to passengers in the car with me but luckily on this day I was alone and in rare preset jump around mode. Then, I came across Soul to Soul’s "Back To Life" and from the beginning at that.
However do you want me….However do you need me...
This song was the perfect ailment to my traffic woes. But you have to play by your own rules, right? What was I to do? Could I really do better that Soul to Soul at this very moment? After, letting the intro play (I’m not a masochist) I decided to let it ride and change the station. I mean it was possible that "Midnight train to Georgia", "Let’s Get It On", "Ain’t No Stopping Us Now" or maybe even some MJ might be playing.
With a press of my index finger I jumped to another preset only to hear Soul to Soul’s Keep on Moving blaring, also from the beginning. I was in a can’t lose and can’t win situation all at once. Either way I would jam out with a bonafide crazy joint* and miss out on a song that was bananas.
In the end I went with "Keep On Moving"…yellow is the color of sunrays.
My system’s not perfect.
*Crazy Joint - a really good song. Usually one that makes you want to move.
Now, I don’t hit a good song and stop. I’m too optimistic/hard to please to have my in-car radio strategy be that simple. I go through all the presets and sample what’s being played. Only after ensuring I know the best song currently playing (with at least a minute of play time left of course) then and only then do I settle in to the best song available and get my groove on.
This can be frustrating to passengers in the car with me but luckily on this day I was alone and in rare preset jump around mode. Then, I came across Soul to Soul’s "Back To Life" and from the beginning at that.
However do you want me….However do you need me...
This song was the perfect ailment to my traffic woes. But you have to play by your own rules, right? What was I to do? Could I really do better that Soul to Soul at this very moment? After, letting the intro play (I’m not a masochist) I decided to let it ride and change the station. I mean it was possible that "Midnight train to Georgia", "Let’s Get It On", "Ain’t No Stopping Us Now" or maybe even some MJ might be playing.
With a press of my index finger I jumped to another preset only to hear Soul to Soul’s Keep on Moving blaring, also from the beginning. I was in a can’t lose and can’t win situation all at once. Either way I would jam out with a bonafide crazy joint* and miss out on a song that was bananas.
In the end I went with "Keep On Moving"…yellow is the color of sunrays.
My system’s not perfect.
*Crazy Joint - a really good song. Usually one that makes you want to move.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Deuces Wild
Most people only ”go” away from home only if they are in a dire situation. I on the other hand prefer “going” away from home. I only need moderate cleanliness and I’m good. And by moderate I mean nothing alive or moving.
I see the downside of not controlling the environment where the deed takes place. For me though the benefits outweigh the danger. You save a gang on TP. You save on water and possible plumbing problems, depending on how you get down. And you delay when you next have to clean up your spot. Plus, you save your home from the toxic avenger (aka - the output from the garbage most of us eat.) If I have Jack in the Box, then spicy Thai food and follow that up with refried beans, I want to find a locale as far away from my home as possible. I don’t shame easily. Plus, you can always leave a public restroom with a look of disgust, blaming it on the guy that came in after you. You just have to make a production of it.
ME: That guy currently in there needs to see a doctor or something. That guy has issues, the one that came in after me, that is. It’s like he had spicy Thai food and washed it down with refried beans! Damn dude have some mercy on the rest of us! You can’t take some people nowhere.
I have done my business in the oddest places. I put my resume up against anyone. A cement outhouse in Afghanistan, A bathroom in a South African precinct, no tp btw (that fluffy rabbit still hasn’t forgiven me J, a squatter in Hong Kong. A ratty LA bar with no stall door where anyone who walked in could see my knees.
People fear public speaking more than death. I wonder where public “going” stands on that list.
I see the downside of not controlling the environment where the deed takes place. For me though the benefits outweigh the danger. You save a gang on TP. You save on water and possible plumbing problems, depending on how you get down. And you delay when you next have to clean up your spot. Plus, you save your home from the toxic avenger (aka - the output from the garbage most of us eat.) If I have Jack in the Box, then spicy Thai food and follow that up with refried beans, I want to find a locale as far away from my home as possible. I don’t shame easily. Plus, you can always leave a public restroom with a look of disgust, blaming it on the guy that came in after you. You just have to make a production of it.
ME: That guy currently in there needs to see a doctor or something. That guy has issues, the one that came in after me, that is. It’s like he had spicy Thai food and washed it down with refried beans! Damn dude have some mercy on the rest of us! You can’t take some people nowhere.
I have done my business in the oddest places. I put my resume up against anyone. A cement outhouse in Afghanistan, A bathroom in a South African precinct, no tp btw (that fluffy rabbit still hasn’t forgiven me J, a squatter in Hong Kong. A ratty LA bar with no stall door where anyone who walked in could see my knees.
People fear public speaking more than death. I wonder where public “going” stands on that list.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Baby Mama Sans Drama
I performed in Salt Lake City, Utah last weekend.* The state is 50% Mormon. You may be familiar with Mormonism from those feel-good, do the right thing, love thy neighbor commercials back in the eighties and nineties…He told the truth..I told the truth…You might also know from just living or from the HBO show Big Love that Mormonism allows for multiple wives. Most Mormons don’t get down like that anymore but there are a few holdovers from back when it was “acceptable.”
This led me to an idea…I know many guys from around my way in Brooklyn who have several Baby Mamas. Seems it would add more credence and dignity to their situation if they started telling people they were Mormon. I’m not trifling, just devoted. People are way more understanding if what you’re doing has a name and a group attached to it. One guy holding a sign and screaming is crazy. A bunch of people, holding a bunch of signs and screaming is protesting.
And if anyone points out that baby mamas aren’t wives, then the guys can say that they’re buffet Mormons. I dabble…
*Big up to Wiseguys Comedy Club
This led me to an idea…I know many guys from around my way in Brooklyn who have several Baby Mamas. Seems it would add more credence and dignity to their situation if they started telling people they were Mormon. I’m not trifling, just devoted. People are way more understanding if what you’re doing has a name and a group attached to it. One guy holding a sign and screaming is crazy. A bunch of people, holding a bunch of signs and screaming is protesting.
And if anyone points out that baby mamas aren’t wives, then the guys can say that they’re buffet Mormons. I dabble…
*Big up to Wiseguys Comedy Club
Monday, January 28, 2008
Chicken Run
Last night I decided to go through the Jack in the Box drive-thru. I really just wanted one $1 chicken sandwich to take the edge off. (just something to hold me over until I got home, where a can of Target Chicken Noodle soup was screaming my name. Yes they sell Chicken Noodle soup at Target and yes there is a Target brand.)
QSN: I’m pretty sure 50 years ago people never envisioned a place where you could buy: a humidifier, guitar strings, a gazebo, frozen turkey legs and an active gortex fleece hoodie all under the same roof. (maybe Macy’s but no food there and the main one in NYC has 9 floors. Target defies the time space continuum by somehow having all that crap on one floor, in most cases)
There was a big Suburban in front of me in the drive-thru line, taking way too long. I thought maybe it was the special order guy. You know the type, it’s Jack in the Box but they think it’s a five star restaurant. Now tell me about your barbecue sauce. Are we talking hickory…*
So my quick chicken run became a test of patience. Luckily, I had Lily Allen’s Smile on repeat on my mp3 player. I finally get to the window and I see the guy in front of me ordered 64 dollars worth of food. This was Sunday at midnight, BTW. When I got to the speaker I ordered 2 $1 chicken sandwiches. Somehow, I felt ridiculous ordering one $1 dollar sandwich after waiting 10 minutes and yet I couldn’t go crazy cause the chicken soup with the bulls eye on it was waiting in the wings.
$64 dollars?! Was it jumbo jack fiesta night down at the local orphanage? I really hope the Suburban was ordering for ten or more people. Even after I got my lowly chicken sandwiches the Suburban was still off to the side doing inventory. I’m pretty sure a spread sheet and price gun was involved.
I should have had a Snicker.
QSN: Quick Side Note
* I ask a lot of questions when I order but that’s mainly in sit down places. I respect the sanctimony of speed and ease that is the drive thru.
QSN: I’m pretty sure 50 years ago people never envisioned a place where you could buy: a humidifier, guitar strings, a gazebo, frozen turkey legs and an active gortex fleece hoodie all under the same roof. (maybe Macy’s but no food there and the main one in NYC has 9 floors. Target defies the time space continuum by somehow having all that crap on one floor, in most cases)
There was a big Suburban in front of me in the drive-thru line, taking way too long. I thought maybe it was the special order guy. You know the type, it’s Jack in the Box but they think it’s a five star restaurant. Now tell me about your barbecue sauce. Are we talking hickory…*
So my quick chicken run became a test of patience. Luckily, I had Lily Allen’s Smile on repeat on my mp3 player. I finally get to the window and I see the guy in front of me ordered 64 dollars worth of food. This was Sunday at midnight, BTW. When I got to the speaker I ordered 2 $1 chicken sandwiches. Somehow, I felt ridiculous ordering one $1 dollar sandwich after waiting 10 minutes and yet I couldn’t go crazy cause the chicken soup with the bulls eye on it was waiting in the wings.
$64 dollars?! Was it jumbo jack fiesta night down at the local orphanage? I really hope the Suburban was ordering for ten or more people. Even after I got my lowly chicken sandwiches the Suburban was still off to the side doing inventory. I’m pretty sure a spread sheet and price gun was involved.
I should have had a Snicker.
QSN: Quick Side Note
* I ask a lot of questions when I order but that’s mainly in sit down places. I respect the sanctimony of speed and ease that is the drive thru.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Enough With The Up Sell
I think I’m going to get some shirts made up that say “DON’T UP SELL ME” on the front in bold letters. It would save me a lot of time during the day. No matter what you’re buying they are always trying to sell you a more, shall I say, “premium” deal. Just rifle through my pockets and get it over with.
Wanna go large...For only 3 more dollars a day you could…Wanna try our deluxe…We also offer…before you hang up, wanna join our gold protection...that one is ok but to really enjoy HD…Oh that button doesn’t work with your plan, but to activate it…
I’m sure that if you hired Dr Kevorkian* to kill you, right before he did he would say…
DR KEVORKIAN: You know for an additional hundred I can make this euthanasia even quicker and even less painful. You’ll take it?...Great! Now for an additional grand I can cure you and eliminate the need to kill you. It’s only a grand more!
If the latter service they try to pawn off on you is so great and the former so not and strictly for losers then the question becomes…why do they even have the former. So the thing you already sold me is trash?
The other problem with all this up selling is that it makes the lines go that much slower. I just want the base model but now I have to stand there for 12 minutes while a hard of earring 80 year old women toys with the idea of getting satellite radio, road side assistance and a sunroof on her mercury Topaz car rental.
No place is this more prevalent that the Post Office-----Ã WARP BLOG***
At least Vegas works in reverse. They down sell you until you have nothing but your shattered dreams left. In Vegas there’s nickel and penny slots in the airport. It’s like they’re saying…why even bother taking that nickel home. Come on, fork it over. Would you leave a swig of Kool Aid in the container? No you would finish it off. Give it here.
*Kevorkian – Doctor who assisted terminally ill people commit suicide
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Kevorkian
*** A new thing I do when a blog inspires another blog. It’s for when a Quick Side Note takes on a life all its own….Or am I trying to up sell you to read another free blog? Look for this blog’s WARP in a day or two.
Wanna go large...For only 3 more dollars a day you could…Wanna try our deluxe…We also offer…before you hang up, wanna join our gold protection...that one is ok but to really enjoy HD…Oh that button doesn’t work with your plan, but to activate it…
I’m sure that if you hired Dr Kevorkian* to kill you, right before he did he would say…
DR KEVORKIAN: You know for an additional hundred I can make this euthanasia even quicker and even less painful. You’ll take it?...Great! Now for an additional grand I can cure you and eliminate the need to kill you. It’s only a grand more!
If the latter service they try to pawn off on you is so great and the former so not and strictly for losers then the question becomes…why do they even have the former. So the thing you already sold me is trash?
The other problem with all this up selling is that it makes the lines go that much slower. I just want the base model but now I have to stand there for 12 minutes while a hard of earring 80 year old women toys with the idea of getting satellite radio, road side assistance and a sunroof on her mercury Topaz car rental.
No place is this more prevalent that the Post Office-----Ã WARP BLOG***
At least Vegas works in reverse. They down sell you until you have nothing but your shattered dreams left. In Vegas there’s nickel and penny slots in the airport. It’s like they’re saying…why even bother taking that nickel home. Come on, fork it over. Would you leave a swig of Kool Aid in the container? No you would finish it off. Give it here.
*Kevorkian – Doctor who assisted terminally ill people commit suicide
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Kevorkian
*** A new thing I do when a blog inspires another blog. It’s for when a Quick Side Note takes on a life all its own….Or am I trying to up sell you to read another free blog? Look for this blog’s WARP in a day or two.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
You May Not Have a Car at All…
But remember brothers and sisters you can still stand tall.*
There’s so much to be thankful for, even if you don’t get down with the silly Pilgrim/Indian angle.
PILGRIM: Enjoy your Turkey Chief Running Out Of Time…It might be your last.
Still though, minus the Turkey and marketing slant, there’s much to be thankful for. I’m thankful for all you folks who read my blog and for all the people you have told and are going to tell others about my blog (hint hint) . Thanks for having a meeting of the minds with me in cyberspace. And thanks for the comments. I read them and they crack me up.
Two people are popping into my head a lot today on this Thanksgiving eve.
Lawrence Lee**, who drove me to work and back everyday for over a month when I didn’t have a car. And I wasn’t on his way. He lived close to work but drove almost a ½ hour out of the way to get me and took me back at night. Lawrence and I were strangers prior to me working for the company.
The 2nd person on my mind and heart is Carrie Caldwell. My aunt Carrie, on consecutive Easters bought me a new suit to wear even thought she had five kids of her own to pimp out. Back in those days, you had to have new wares on Easter or you were completely not gelin’. I’m not sure if I could have prevailed over the deep scars not being fresh two Easters in a row would have caused. Crisis averted.
It’s hard to pay back people like this who have been so giving and kind to you. My only hope is that I will pay it forward. I’ll never forget and I’ll be forever humbled by your acts of goodness.
* Lyric from an old R&B song by William DeVaughn about being thankful. Most people know the “Diamond in the Back, Sunroof top… refrain used time and again by rappers who usually change the meaning of the original song.
http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/becool/bethankfulforwhatyougot.htm
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pELWVvg8bB8
**If you’re reading this and know Lawrence please tell him to shout me out.
There’s so much to be thankful for, even if you don’t get down with the silly Pilgrim/Indian angle.
PILGRIM: Enjoy your Turkey Chief Running Out Of Time…It might be your last.
Still though, minus the Turkey and marketing slant, there’s much to be thankful for. I’m thankful for all you folks who read my blog and for all the people you have told and are going to tell others about my blog (hint hint) . Thanks for having a meeting of the minds with me in cyberspace. And thanks for the comments. I read them and they crack me up.
Two people are popping into my head a lot today on this Thanksgiving eve.
Lawrence Lee**, who drove me to work and back everyday for over a month when I didn’t have a car. And I wasn’t on his way. He lived close to work but drove almost a ½ hour out of the way to get me and took me back at night. Lawrence and I were strangers prior to me working for the company.
The 2nd person on my mind and heart is Carrie Caldwell. My aunt Carrie, on consecutive Easters bought me a new suit to wear even thought she had five kids of her own to pimp out. Back in those days, you had to have new wares on Easter or you were completely not gelin’. I’m not sure if I could have prevailed over the deep scars not being fresh two Easters in a row would have caused. Crisis averted.
It’s hard to pay back people like this who have been so giving and kind to you. My only hope is that I will pay it forward. I’ll never forget and I’ll be forever humbled by your acts of goodness.
* Lyric from an old R&B song by William DeVaughn about being thankful. Most people know the “Diamond in the Back, Sunroof top… refrain used time and again by rappers who usually change the meaning of the original song.
http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/becool/bethankfulforwhatyougot.htm
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pELWVvg8bB8
**If you’re reading this and know Lawrence please tell him to shout me out.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
It’s Just an Illusion
I don’t want to hear any Los Angeles city official say they don’t have money for schools when they have clearly spent millions installing holograms above every freeway overpass. This is why you look up at the freeway and see traffic moving smoothly then you hop on and it’s at a dead stand still. That sequence of moving traffic is a repeating hologram. Could traffic really have gone that sour in the time it took you to go up the 1/8 mile on-ramp? And where is that rainbow Prius you just saw with kids inside singing with glee and the Mother in the passenger seat on the bongos? I’m on to their game. If these holograms weren’t in place then the streets, as well as the freeways, would be at a stand still. Maybe they’re necessary but I can’t dance this dance anymore. When in doubt, I take the mean LA streets.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Where’s Fall
It's October 22 in New York City and Non-White people are wearing shorts. When will it be okay for Al Gore to say "I told you so"? New Yorkers seem to love the unseasonably warm weather. Even though if Global Warming keeps up at this pace science fiction tells us New Jersey will become New York. At least then the Giants and Jets will be named correctly.(Both these New York teams technically play in New Jersey.) The subways still have the AC running. It's like Indian summer but not Native American we want Manhattan back. No, more like New Delhi Indian summer.
Of course, now that I wrote this, it will probably snow 12 inches next week.
Of course, now that I wrote this, it will probably snow 12 inches next week.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Ashy to Classy
I walked past 2 seemingly homeless guys today in Hollywood. I say seemingly so as not to assume. They were sitting & lying on the concrete and seemed to have all their worldly possessions in a nearby heap. So, safe to say they were homeless or at least behaving in a homeless like manner. Sitting on the concrete was a dead give away even without the other clues. People with home’s don’t sit on concrete unless there’s some Spice Girl Tickets up for grab, or a Last Comic Standing audition near by. I didn’t get a tooth count but I would bet my future house that neither one had all 32. They had their wits about them enough to know I had just left an audition. One asked me how it went and when would I know if I got it or not. Only in Hollywood will a homeless person’s first question be how your audition went. Or maybe my friendly transient was channeling my mother. He certainly did a top notch job of expressing her usual post audition sentiments. All I needed to hear him say was “ Baby, you should do a McDonald’s Commercial!” and I would have said …”Ma? Is that you in there?”
Then the younger transient complimented my blazer and shirt. He asked me if my shirt was Ralph Lauren and said he used to have one just like it. He said it was a quality cut. I told him my shirt was not Ralph Lauren but it was custom made. So you see how he was in the right ballpark. Now, before you accuse me of going soft, I got the shirt made in Korea where a custom made shirt is still probably less than a off the rack shirt from say Banana Republic.
I instantly changed my opinion of him. Sure he was still homeless but this guy use to live a different life, a life of culture and class. And although in this current state of despair he still had an appreciation of the finer things. Pretty amazing what a well placed compliment can do. I gave him a buck. Honestly I can’t remember whether it was before or after the barrage of compliments.
Then the younger transient complimented my blazer and shirt. He asked me if my shirt was Ralph Lauren and said he used to have one just like it. He said it was a quality cut. I told him my shirt was not Ralph Lauren but it was custom made. So you see how he was in the right ballpark. Now, before you accuse me of going soft, I got the shirt made in Korea where a custom made shirt is still probably less than a off the rack shirt from say Banana Republic.
I instantly changed my opinion of him. Sure he was still homeless but this guy use to live a different life, a life of culture and class. And although in this current state of despair he still had an appreciation of the finer things. Pretty amazing what a well placed compliment can do. I gave him a buck. Honestly I can’t remember whether it was before or after the barrage of compliments.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Who You Gonna Call?
I recently had a very small role in an independent pilot. The goal with these things is to shoot your own pilot and try to get a network to buy it after the fact. You wouldn't believe the caliber of talent you can sometimes get to do these things. It would be like going to a pick up basketball game and seeing Michael Jordan there. Jordan loves playing b-ball so it makes sense he would jump in on a street game from time to time.
On this production, they were able to get Ray Parker Junior to co-star. Ray Parker Junior wrote and sang the Ghostbusters Movie theme song. He was uber cool. And best of all he still loves the Ghostbusters song. You can say "Who you gonna call?!" and he will say "Ghostbusters!" That's cool. It's probably incredibly old for him but he won't deny you your fun…A true gentleman. Jimmy Walker won't say DYN-O-MITE! Henry Winkler would rather not say Ehhhhhh! Now all I need to hear is that Shucky Ducky won't say Quack Quack.
These catch phrases mean so much more to us. They conjure up memories of times long gone. We can never go back to grade school but we can say "What you talkin' about Willis?!" Where were you when you first heard "I'm Rick James Bitch!"?
Why the Peanut costumes? Long Story. Let's hope the pilot gets picked up so you can see why.
On this production, they were able to get Ray Parker Junior to co-star. Ray Parker Junior wrote and sang the Ghostbusters Movie theme song. He was uber cool. And best of all he still loves the Ghostbusters song. You can say "Who you gonna call?!" and he will say "Ghostbusters!" That's cool. It's probably incredibly old for him but he won't deny you your fun…A true gentleman. Jimmy Walker won't say DYN-O-MITE! Henry Winkler would rather not say Ehhhhhh! Now all I need to hear is that Shucky Ducky won't say Quack Quack.
These catch phrases mean so much more to us. They conjure up memories of times long gone. We can never go back to grade school but we can say "What you talkin' about Willis?!" Where were you when you first heard "I'm Rick James Bitch!"?
Why the Peanut costumes? Long Story. Let's hope the pilot gets picked up so you can see why.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Toe Sucking
Today I saw a baby, maybe 2 years old, sitting in a stroller sucking her own foot. Ah, youth and flexibility. What most of us wouldn’t give to be able to suck our own toes again. Not that we would. Have you seen your feet lately? (skip the mani and get a double pedi :-) ) But to be able to nosh on your toes would be neat, even if your toes aren’t. The last time I remember being able to partake of my own toes was in high school. Even then I was putting my spinal cord in double jeopardy (I’ll take stupid things High School boys do for 800, Alex). And no one wants to be the person who died trying to suck their own feet. For me though, it would be a cool way to ensure that even my funeral is funny.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Permission to Shoot
The proliferation of home movies on sites like Youtube and Myspace has brought us to one irrefutable conclusion: People should be required to get a permit before they buy a video camera. You need one to shoot bullets you should also need one to avoid shooting crappy shorts. What makes a person think the rest of the world really wants to see them in their living room doing the Chicken Noodle Soup Dance completely wrong. (Not that a perfect rendition of the CNS is something the world needs to see either.) Ok … fine you got me… it’s actually hours of enjoyment. But you’re never getting that time back.
Flip Side:
At least people are trying to put out original, albeit God awful, content. I’ll take the CNS Dance over someone getting hit in the groin, or a cat dressed in a sweater on America’s “Funniest” Home Videos any day. Maybe people sent in the CNS dance, or the nineties equivalent, to AFHV but they screened out everything but good ole “funny” groin mutilation.
Maybe all these Chicken Noodle Soup dancers should get hit in the groin at the end of their clips. Comedy Gold!
I can’t wait until some wife files for divorce citing Youtube or myspace as the reason why.
WIFE: You don’t need to network! You got me right here! Why don’t you have someone
Flip Side:
At least people are trying to put out original, albeit God awful, content. I’ll take the CNS Dance over someone getting hit in the groin, or a cat dressed in a sweater on America’s “Funniest” Home Videos any day. Maybe people sent in the CNS dance, or the nineties equivalent, to AFHV but they screened out everything but good ole “funny” groin mutilation.
Maybe all these Chicken Noodle Soup dancers should get hit in the groin at the end of their clips. Comedy Gold!
I can’t wait until some wife files for divorce citing Youtube or myspace as the reason why.
WIFE: You don’t need to network! You got me right here! Why don’t you have someone
from your top 8 make you dinner?!
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Red Carpet
I recently boarded a United Airlines plane in New York. I heard the lady at the gate announce that First and Business Class could board first via the red carpet on the left. Did I hear her right? I went in for a closer look and sure enough there was little red carpet laid down. It was basically like a red throw rug. (a 2ft by 3ft red carpet)
What has the world come to? Do the people in first class really need their ego stroked even as they board ahead of everyone else? I know they pay a lot more and for that they get to sit and gloat with a beverage in hand as the plebs struggle down the aisle only to get crammed in like veal. If someone from coach walks over the red carpet when they board will they get in trouble? What if there’s a gate with no red carpet? Does the flight have to be delayed until United can find a red carpet for the First class folks to walk over Can red rose petals be used as a substitute?; Or maybe the blood from someone sitting in Coach?
GATE LADY: First Class can now board over Phil from Coach’s bloody body. Stay down Phil!
I’m sure most people, including those in First Class, didn’t notice the silly lengths that United went to to make First Class feel…first and Coach feel…last.
Funny thing though. We all landed in Los Angeles just the same. Sure I had a cramp in my neck but I can go get 400 mall massages with the money I saved not flying in first. Maybe that’s the next step…. making people in coach get off the plane a few miles from the airport and walk the tarmac. No carpet of course.
What has the world come to? Do the people in first class really need their ego stroked even as they board ahead of everyone else? I know they pay a lot more and for that they get to sit and gloat with a beverage in hand as the plebs struggle down the aisle only to get crammed in like veal. If someone from coach walks over the red carpet when they board will they get in trouble? What if there’s a gate with no red carpet? Does the flight have to be delayed until United can find a red carpet for the First class folks to walk over Can red rose petals be used as a substitute?; Or maybe the blood from someone sitting in Coach?
GATE LADY: First Class can now board over Phil from Coach’s bloody body. Stay down Phil!
I’m sure most people, including those in First Class, didn’t notice the silly lengths that United went to to make First Class feel…first and Coach feel…last.
Funny thing though. We all landed in Los Angeles just the same. Sure I had a cramp in my neck but I can go get 400 mall massages with the money I saved not flying in first. Maybe that’s the next step…. making people in coach get off the plane a few miles from the airport and walk the tarmac. No carpet of course.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Plum Terrific
I had a plum from the ninety nine cents store that I think came from the Island of Dr. Moreau. Either, this plum was doing an uncanny impression of an apple or some mad scientist is somewhere rubbing his hands together saying…”I’ll make millions!” It had a stem. It was red, with a little brown. It had an apple shape. I was thoroughly impressed. For a second before I ate it I thought about putting my plum on America’s Got Talent……Nah! (Crunch!) Plum out of luck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
