Enough With The Up Sell

I think I’m going to get some shirts made up that say “DON’T UP SELL ME” on the front in bold letters. It would save me a lot of time during the day. No matter what you’re buying they are always trying to sell you a more, shall I say, “premium” deal. Just rifle through my pockets and get it over with.

Wanna go large...For only 3 more dollars a day you could…Wanna try our deluxe…We also offer…before you hang up, wanna join our gold protection...that one is ok but to really enjoy HD…Oh that button doesn’t work with your plan, but to activate it…

I’m sure that if you hired Dr Kevorkian* to kill you, right before he did he would say…

DR KEVORKIAN: You know for an additional hundred I can make this euthanasia even quicker and even less painful. You’ll take it?...Great! Now for an additional grand I can cure you and eliminate the need to kill you. It’s only a grand more!

If the latter service they try to pawn off on you is so great and the former so not and strictly for losers then the question becomes…why do they even have the former. So the thing you already sold me is trash?

The other problem with all this up selling is that it makes the lines go that much slower. I just want the base model but now I have to stand there for 12 minutes while a hard of earring 80 year old women toys with the idea of getting satellite radio, road side assistance and a sunroof on her mercury Topaz car rental.

No place is this more prevalent that the Post Office-----àWARP BLOG***

At least Vegas works in reverse. They down sell you until you have nothing but your shattered dreams left. In Vegas there’s nickel and penny slots in the airport. It’s like they’re saying…why even bother taking that nickel home. Come on, fork it over. Would you leave a swig of Kool Aid in the container? No you would finish it off. Give it here.

*Kevorkian – Doctor who assisted terminally ill people commit suicide
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Kevorkian

*** A new thing I do when a blog inspires another blog. It’s for when a Quick Side Note takes on a life all its own….Or am I trying to up sell you to read another free blog? Look for this blog’s WARP in a day or two.

You May Not Have a Car at All…

But remember brothers and sisters you can still stand tall.*
There’s so much to be thankful for, even if you don’t get down with the silly Pilgrim/Indian angle.

PILGRIM: Enjoy your Turkey Chief Running Out Of Time…It might be your last.

Still though, minus the Turkey and marketing slant, there’s much to be thankful for. I’m thankful for all you folks who read my blog and for all the people you have told and are going to tell others about my blog (hint hint) . Thanks for having a meeting of the minds with me in cyberspace. And thanks for the comments. I read them and they crack me up.

Two people are popping into my head a lot today on this Thanksgiving eve.

Lawrence Lee**, who drove me to work and back everyday for over a month when I didn’t have a car. And I wasn’t on his way. He lived close to work but drove almost a ½ hour out of the way to get me and took me back at night. Lawrence and I were strangers prior to me working for the company.

The 2nd person on my mind and heart is Carrie Caldwell. My aunt Carrie, on consecutive Easters bought me a new suit to wear even thought she had five kids of her own to pimp out. Back in those days, you had to have new wares on Easter or you were completely not gelin’. I’m not sure if I could have prevailed over the deep scars not being fresh two Easters in a row would have caused. Crisis averted.

It’s hard to pay back people like this who have been so giving and kind to you. My only hope is that I will pay it forward. I’ll never forget and I’ll be forever humbled by your acts of goodness.

* Lyric from an old R&B song by William DeVaughn about being thankful. Most people know the “Diamond in the Back, Sunroof top… refrain used time and again by rappers who usually change the meaning of the original song.

http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/becool/bethankfulforwhatyougot.htm
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pELWVvg8bB8

**If you’re reading this and know Lawrence please tell him to shout me out.

It’s Just an Illusion

I don’t want to hear any Los Angeles city official say they don’t have money for schools when they have clearly spent millions installing holograms above every freeway overpass. This is why you look up at the freeway and see traffic moving smoothly then you hop on and it’s at a dead stand still. That sequence of moving traffic is a repeating hologram. Could traffic really have gone that sour in the time it took you to go up the 1/8 mile on-ramp? And where is that rainbow Prius you just saw with kids inside singing with glee and the Mother in the passenger seat on the bongos? I’m on to their game. If these holograms weren’t in place then the streets, as well as the freeways, would be at a stand still. Maybe they’re necessary but I can’t dance this dance anymore. When in doubt, I take the mean LA streets.

Where’s Fall

It's October 22 in New York City and Non-White people are wearing shorts. When will it be okay for Al Gore to say "I told you so"? New Yorkers seem to love the unseasonably warm weather. Even though if Global Warming keeps up at this pace science fiction tells us New Jersey will become New York. At least then the Giants and Jets will be named correctly.(Both these New York teams technically play in New Jersey.) The subways still have the AC running. It's like Indian summer but not Native American we want Manhattan back. No, more like New Delhi Indian summer.

Of course, now that I wrote this, it will probably snow 12 inches next week.

Ashy to Classy

I walked past 2 seemingly homeless guys today in Hollywood. I say seemingly so as not to assume. They were sitting & lying on the concrete and seemed to have all their worldly possessions in a nearby heap. So, safe to say they were homeless or at least behaving in a homeless like manner. Sitting on the concrete was a dead give away even without the other clues. People with home’s don’t sit on concrete unless there’s some Spice Girl Tickets up for grab, or a Last Comic Standing audition near by. I didn’t get a tooth count but I would bet my future house that neither one had all 32. They had their wits about them enough to know I had just left an audition. One asked me how it went and when would I know if I got it or not. Only in Hollywood will a homeless person’s first question be how your audition went. Or maybe my friendly transient was channeling my mother. He certainly did a top notch job of expressing her usual post audition sentiments. All I needed to hear him say was “ Baby, you should do a McDonald’s Commercial!” and I would have said …”Ma? Is that you in there?”

Then the younger transient complimented my blazer and shirt. He asked me if my shirt was Ralph Lauren and said he used to have one just like it. He said it was a quality cut. I told him my shirt was not Ralph Lauren but it was custom made. So you see how he was in the right ballpark. Now, before you accuse me of going soft, I got the shirt made in Korea where a custom made shirt is still probably less than a off the rack shirt from say Banana Republic.

I instantly changed my opinion of him. Sure he was still homeless but this guy use to live a different life, a life of culture and class. And although in this current state of despair he still had an appreciation of the finer things. Pretty amazing what a well placed compliment can do. I gave him a buck. Honestly I can’t remember whether it was before or after the barrage of compliments.

Who You Gonna Call?

I recently had a very small role in an independent pilot. The goal with these things is to shoot your own pilot and try to get a network to buy it after the fact. You wouldn't believe the caliber of talent you can sometimes get to do these things. It would be like going to a pick up basketball game and seeing Michael Jordan there. Jordan loves playing b-ball so it makes sense he would jump in on a street game from time to time.

On this production, they were able to get Ray Parker Junior to co-star. Ray Parker Junior wrote and sang the Ghostbusters Movie theme song. He was uber cool. And best of all he still loves the Ghostbusters song. You can say "Who you gonna call?!" and he will say "Ghostbusters!" That's cool. It's probably incredibly old for him but he won't deny you your fun…A true gentleman. Jimmy Walker won't say DYN-O-MITE! Henry Winkler would rather not say Ehhhhhh! Now all I need to hear is that Shucky Ducky won't say Quack Quack.

These catch phrases mean so much more to us. They conjure up memories of times long gone. We can never go back to grade school but we can say "What you talkin' about Willis?!" Where were you when you first heard "I'm Rick James Bitch!"?

Why the Peanut costumes? Long Story. Let's hope the pilot gets picked up so you can see why.

Toe Sucking

Today I saw a baby, maybe 2 years old, sitting in a stroller sucking her own foot. Ah, youth and flexibility. What most of us wouldn’t give to be able to suck our own toes again. Not that we would. Have you seen your feet lately? (skip the mani and get a double pedi :-) ) But to be able to nosh on your toes would be neat, even if your toes aren’t. The last time I remember being able to partake of my own toes was in high school. Even then I was putting my spinal cord in double jeopardy (I’ll take stupid things High School boys do for 800, Alex). And no one wants to be the person who died trying to suck their own feet. For me though, it would be a cool way to ensure that even my funeral is funny.

Permission to Shoot

The proliferation of home movies on sites like Youtube and Myspace has brought us to one irrefutable conclusion: People should be required to get a permit before they buy a video camera. You need one to shoot bullets you should also need one to avoid shooting crappy shorts. What makes a person think the rest of the world really wants to see them in their living room doing the Chicken Noodle Soup Dance completely wrong. (Not that a perfect rendition of the CNS is something the world needs to see either.) Ok … fine you got me… it’s actually hours of enjoyment. But you’re never getting that time back.

Flip Side:
At least people are trying to put out original, albeit God awful, content. I’ll take the CNS Dance over someone getting hit in the groin, or a cat dressed in a sweater on America’s “Funniest” Home Videos any day. Maybe people sent in the CNS dance, or the nineties equivalent, to AFHV but they screened out everything but good ole “funny” groin mutilation.

Maybe all these Chicken Noodle Soup dancers should get hit in the groin at the end of their clips. Comedy Gold!

I can’t wait until some wife files for divorce citing Youtube or myspace as the reason why.

WIFE: You don’t need to network! You got me right here! Why don’t you have someone

from your top 8 make you dinner?!

Red Carpet

I recently boarded a United Airlines plane in New York. I heard the lady at the gate announce that First and Business Class could board first via the red carpet on the left. Did I hear her right? I went in for a closer look and sure enough there was little red carpet laid down. It was basically like a red throw rug. (a 2ft by 3ft red carpet)

What has the world come to? Do the people in first class really need their ego stroked even as they board ahead of everyone else? I know they pay a lot more and for that they get to sit and gloat with a beverage in hand as the plebs struggle down the aisle only to get crammed in like veal. If someone from coach walks over the red carpet when they board will they get in trouble? What if there’s a gate with no red carpet? Does the flight have to be delayed until United can find a red carpet for the First class folks to walk over Can red rose petals be used as a substitute?; Or maybe the blood from someone sitting in Coach?

GATE LADY: First Class can now board over Phil from Coach’s bloody body. Stay down Phil!

I’m sure most people, including those in First Class, didn’t notice the silly lengths that United went to to make First Class feel…first and Coach feel…last.

Funny thing though. We all landed in Los Angeles just the same. Sure I had a cramp in my neck but I can go get 400 mall massages with the money I saved not flying in first. Maybe that’s the next step…. making people in coach get off the plane a few miles from the airport and walk the tarmac. No carpet of course.

Plum Terrific

I had a plum from the ninety nine cents store that I think came from the Island of Dr. Moreau. Either, this plum was doing an uncanny impression of an apple or some mad scientist is somewhere rubbing his hands together saying…”I’ll make millions!” It had a stem. It was red, with a little brown. It had an apple shape. I was thoroughly impressed. For a second before I ate it I thought about putting my plum on America’s Got Talent……Nah! (Crunch!) Plum out of luck.

Cups…Not Just For Drinking Anymore

I just watched the World Stacking Championship on ESPN. I had never heard of this “sport.” The child competitors literally stacked cups. They did a human interest piece on one of the stackers. He said he’s been stacking for years. He also said he came from a rough place and no one was around to really guide him. I guess he turned to stacking. Clearly no one was around to tell him to stop with all the cup stacking. These kids are going fast as hell. But who decided we needed to compete in cup stacking? Why not see who can unzip their pants first or who can put DVDs in their cases the quickest. I guess it develops eye hand coordination but it also seems to develop OCD. I just saw a 7 year old say he practices cup stacking 4 hours a day. I’m getting nervous just watching it.

7 YEAR OLD ALL GROWN UP : Gotta stack…yeah…Gotta stack.

One girl stacks with her tongue out and she said “it worked for Michael Jordan.”

Once upon a time, i think there was this guy who was not good at any sport. His friends teased him and he finally got fed up and said…

GUY NOT GOOD AT SPORTS: Oh Yeah?! I bet I can stack cups better than you!!...

And a “sport” was born.

Did I mention that it was an international event? It came down to Germany vs USA. The crowd chanted USA..USA.. as a lone German flag waved. I won’t give away the ending.

Don’t believe me
http://www.worldsportstackingassociation.org/

Make sure you watch and read the comments! Hilarious!
You Tube Stacking Clip

A Minor

I went to a Brooklyn Cyclones Baseball game. The Cyclones are the Mets Minor A-league team. Every seat is a good one. The tickets are cheap and best of all the Keyspan Park they play in is in my hometown, Coney Island.

What struck me is that everything about the place is minor league. Obviously the players are. But the players are not as minor as everything else. Every facet of the place reveals a person or entity vying to get to the next level. The whole thing is a big elaborate audition. The umpires want to be in the big time. The say “Striiike!”, a little louder than they need to. The Mascots are a little off. That guy in the hot dog suit would love to be Mr. Met one day. He turns down no pictures…ever. The announcer is more amped than the situation calls for. He’s wants his voice blaring from Yankee Stadium one day. The -sound guy is too active. The “din ni ni ni ni ni…Charge” comes in on non-charging situations. He hopes to be behind the sound board at Dodger stadium. The sponsors are minor league. The banners in the outfield are of companies not big enough to advertise on prime time: Sal’s Transmissions, Bridge Pharmacy…

This desire to be more makes for a great time. They give away more prizes. The mascots come into the stands during the game. You get the feeling that you could just walk out into the field if you want. They have something to prove and try their darnest to prove it to the small audience in attendance. They try harder. It’s like the baseball equivalent to dating a big girl. Sorry big girls. You know I love you. You don’t have to go the extra mile for me…not that you could…I kid, I kid. *

I recommend going to a Minor League game for Major League fun.

Shout out to the Minor League folks with a major league complex. And the winner was me.

*Some of my best friends are big. :-)

Put me in Coach, I’m Ready to Play

Your boy is well traveled but I don’t necessarily travel well. Meaning, I spend most of my flight time in coach. Crying babies, loud Snorers, seat belt extensions…you get the picture. At least it’s not a bus and at least I’m taking 5 hours to go a distance that 150 years ago took 3 months.

My last flight was particular dodgy. I was assigned the dreaded middle seat.

QSN: I once had a middle seat on a flight to Germany. I was stuck between an ex-linebacker and a woman with an over active bladder. Of course Ms Pee-A-Lot sat by the window.

I took the walk of pain to my seat only to realize I was in the last row. Yippie, Two whole inches to recline, now that’s vertical comfort folks?! But as luck would have it, Henry Rollins of the Henry Rollins Band* fame was sitting in the aisle seat next to me. I introduced myself and it was off to the races.

We talked about everything under the sun and the only thing that could have made it more enjoyable would have been the hot towels from first class…ok maybe one of those brownies too. We had first class banter in the last row of coach. Henry hipped me to all types of life game and industry game. I told him how to tell when a melon is at its ripest. (we contribute what we can) Henry has a great career. Hit records, USO Tours, best selling author, a show on the IFC. Henry is so cool that he let his manager sit in First Class. So don’t go thinking Henry is going through a rough patch. He’s just a real dude and not a delicate spoiled rose pedal.

The whole thing kind of validates me driving a stick shift Saturn with manual windows. Henry drives a Subaru by the way... I got money in the bank ‘cause I don’t buy girls drinks….

Shout out to the brother sitting by the window. I hope our talking didn’t stop you from getting your sleep on and please forgive me for breaking the brother “code” by talking to Henry first. I would appreciate it if you didn’t report me.

* Henry Rollins had a huge hit record in the Nineties called “I’m a Liar” it dominated the MTV airwaves for months. But check out all his accomplishments for yourself at http://21361.com/

QSN: Quick Side Note

Copy Cat

I was recently on the set of a commercial shoot with child actors. They kids were great. They reminded me of myself when I was younger, so precocious and filled with wonderment*. As the day went on and everybody got a little loopy, one girl began to mock another adult actor by repeating everything he said in a mocking voice. I almost forgot how effectively you can annoy someone by simply copying them. You can go on forever until the person you’re copying completely loses it or says something disparaging about you. This usually means the game is over, unless you don’t mind saying something bad about yourself.

COPY-EE: Stop it. Cut it out. You Jackass
DWAYNE: Stop it. Cut it out. You Jackass
COPY-EE: Dwayne smells like a turd
DWAYNE: Dwayne smells like a turd
COPYEE: I‘m going to stab you
DWAYNE: I‘m going to stab you
COPY-EE: See, I told you stop messing with me. Now your intestines are spilling out.
DWAYNE: See, I told you stop messing with me. Now your intestines are spilling out.
COPY-EE: Dude, you’re gonna die. I’ll only call 911 if you stop!
DWAYNE: Dude, you’re gonna die. I’ll only call 911 if you stop!

In the above scenario the actor playing Dwayne would die but… it’s funny, the Copy-ee is annoyed as hell and he’s got to explain to the authorities how and why he did it. But maybe he could use that same tactic on the cops, until his lawyer shows up.

COP: Why did you do it?
COPY-EE: Why did you do it?
COP: Speak up punk.
COPY-EE: Speak up punk.
COP: I’m gonna break your face you maggot.
COPY-EE: I’m gonna break your face you maggot.
COP: Fine, Hey Jack, go get the plunger….
COPY-EE: Fine, Hey Jack, go get the…What?!

*Direct quote from Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Shake and Bake..That Just Happened!

Roll With Me

I want to buy a pair of sneakers with the roller blade wheels built in. I know, I know…I’m too old to be gliding across Starbucks. But I’m not “break your hip if you fall” old. I probably should get in some more tumbles before tripping becomes a death sentence. Imagine rolling into a business meeting in a 3 piece suit.

BUSINESS ROLLER: We make this deal or I roll…literally.

Rock…Skate…Roll….Bounce!

She’s Crafty

I can’t believe how many Michael’s craft stores there are in the country. It seems like every strip mall I find myself in has one. I didn’t know America was so crafty. I guess housewives use the time I use blogging to scrapbook and knit. But there’s also a clothing store in every strip mall. So are we knitting or buying people? Why are we doubling our effort? It seems to me the day they came out with machines that make clothes should have been the day we laid down our yarn and needles.* How about doing nothing? I enjoy a little nothing from time to time. I was in central PA one day after Halloween last year and every house was already garbed in thanksgiving paraphernalia. Soccer Moms’ Craft Warfare at its finest.

And I’m not even mentioning all the Mom and Pop craft stores. Who has time to do all this stuff…really?! Then again, I suppose one could get a lot done, if they didn’t spend 4 hours a day on Myspace.

Stay Crafty America!

* Of course I’m not advocating that Grand Ma’s put down their yarn. We need them to make us disproportionate blankets and they need to make them for us. Those Trapezoid blankets come from love.

No Man is an Island*

I returned to my car after visiting a friend to find that I couldn’t find my keys. After an extensive search of his place and the perimeter of my car, I could only conclude that I maybe left the keys in the door and someone had them. I never lock my keys in the car because my base level ’04 Saturn Ion has manual everything. People get in my car and take 2 minutes to figure out how roll the window down. Then they take another minute actually rolling the window down.** I guest-ti-mate that rolling down and up a manual window burns 8 Calories. So my car is like a traveling Gym…when you think about it.

My friend and I went to grab a bite, he drove, to maybe let my mind marinate a bit to figure out where I put the keys. Before we left I looked longingly at my car thinking that would be the last time I saw “Da O–Four.”

After washing down my protein style Double Double** with some Diet Coke, we returned to resume the key hunt. Good news: was the car was still there….whew. Bad news: We still couldn’t find the key. After another solid 10 minutes of our key quest, I noticed a small piece of paper on my windshield. I opened the paper and it was a tiny note that said “Check the Gas Tank!” I did as instructed and alas my keys where there safe and sound. The person took nothing and did not even leave their name or number. Thank you...Person who put my keys in the Gas Tank! Thank you soooo much.

I’m a victim of an R.A.K. (Random Act of Kindness.) I hope to pay it forward in some way or another. Maybe I’ll finally help that African Minister of Finance that’s been sending me email about his 80 Million dollar oil reserve he needs to put into my checking account.

This all happened in Westwood California. Sorry Brooklyn, but if this happened in my hometown, this blog would have been about how I had to buy a monthly metro-card because my car got jacked.

People, People who need People…^

*http://isu.indstate.edu/ilnprof/ENG451/ISLAND/

*http://www.poetry-online.org/donne_for_whom_the_bell_tolls.htm

**Check In and Out burger. Protein style means with no bun wrapped in extra lettuce.
http://inandout.com/

^ People – Popular Barbara Streisand song.
http://www.poemhunter.com/song/people-3/

CAPTAIN LITERAL

I was on a plane and before take off they said “It’s against federal regulations to tamper with, disable or destroy airplane bathroom fire detectors.” Okay….don’t you have to tamper with something to disable it. Furthermore, if you destroy something it’s pretty safe to assume that you’ve also disabled it. (Obi-Wan Kenobi* being the lone exception…”Luke, use the Force”)

Or maybe they’re afraid too many people would use the loophole. Like a mother tells her oldest not to mess with his younger sibling. She returns to find the young child has expired.

KID: You said don’t mess with him… You didn’t say anything about destroying him.

MOM: You got me silly. Now get ready for dinner, we’ll dump your brother later.

(A morbid thought indeed.)

How about just saying “Don’t touch it!”?

CAPTAIN LITERAL: But what about people with telekinesis** ….What if they use gloves or a bat…they could just spit on it or pour a water…that’s not touching…

Captain Literals are tampering with, disabling and destroying America

* Obi-Wan Kenobi: Guy from Star Wars movie who guided Luke Sky Walker even after Darth Vader destroyed him.

**Telekinesis: the power to move something by thinking about it without the application of physical force

Round Mound of Rebound

Why is Dwayne Wade so pressed to be in Charles Barkley's 5?!

more importantly

What's up Charles' ass that he can't add one of the NBA's best to his five?

even more importantly

What exactly is a five?

Then again, I'm the guy who never understood why the rabbit couldn't have any Trix. It was his damn cereal. He was on the cover for crying out loud. That would be like banning Oprah from reading the 'O' magazine.

I'm actually not allowed to look at my blog page. So let's keep this between us.

Yoda Slow Yo

I watched Star Wars Episode 2: “Attack of the Clones” again this week. It’s my favorite of the prequels. No hate mail please. I’m sure your favorite is good too and you have compelling reasons why. The one thought I kept having through the movie was “How come they can’t tell the Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is behind all strife in the force/universe.” (QSN: I always try to have at least on slash in all my recurring thoughts :0))

It’s easy to track evil, just follow the money. Palpatine has the most to gain from all the madness. He very humbly and reluctantly accepts total control of the senate until they “figure things out.” Whoever gains the most is probably who you should blame the most. (QSN: Jesse Jackson would be proud :D)) You should always follow the money and power. Not to mention Palpatine’s evil sneer, that insincere smirk and above all else… the beady eyes! Beady eyes are beady for a reason. They get stuck that way from years of rubbing your hands together and plotting the demise of others’. It’s hard to plan someone’s demise without squinting your eyes. Go ahead and try. But look throughout history, no traitor or sneaky person ever had wide-open, inviting eyes. Unless they were those really big scary eyes which is probably the person over compensating for their natural beady eyes.

So Yoda and company can sense things hundreds of miles away, move objects without touching them, put thoughts into people’s heads but completely miss beady eyes!

Good thing nothing like that could happen in real life.

Let the nerd jokes begin :-)

QSN: Quick Side Note

Throw Some….

The song “Throw Some D’s on that Bitch” is my new favorite guilty pleasure. And now that Kanye West is on the remix, it’s on for real. The original song was about putting- excuse me- throwing rims on a car (twenty inch rims to be exact) Kanye’s verse is about girls getting fake boobs (size D cups to be exact.) Not sure if you know this but every time you listen to “Throw Some D’s…” you loose .278 IQ points. But ahh it’s so worth it. You know what the song also has become?…You guessed it, my response to everything. It’s so much fun. Even if it makes no sense; in your next conversation with a friend make “throwing D’s” your response to anything.

FRIEND: I think my dog is sick.
YOU: Have you tried throwing some D’s on that bitch
FRIEND: Huh?

FRIEND2: I think Barack Obama has a real shot at this thing.
YOU: I like his chances more if he throws some D’s on that bitch
FRIEND2: What?!

WIFE: You never take me out anymore!
HUSBAND: C’mon honey. Why just last week I threw some D’s on that Bitch.

Hours of enjoyment!

On a side note:

It’s good to see all areas of the country acknowledged by hip hop. Dirty South, East Coast, West Coast, Mid West, hell even Toronto in a few songs. But no one ever shouts out the Pacific North West. The 8 black people in Montana feel left out. And I don’t know about you but my posse stays on Broadway.

Hotel? Do Tell

Recently, I spend a few days in the Grange hotel in Toronto. I found this jewel on hotels.com it was the cheapest place that had all the amenities I wanted (mainly parking and internet.) The place was great. But I definitely got the feel that this was an apartment building with a few non-rented units they decided to pimp out.

There were mail boxes in the lobby. I saw a guy in flip flops coming down to check his mail. Another couple had groceries, but way too much crap for a short hotel stay. Another guy, had his dog in the elevator to go for a walk. And not the cute dogs you carry around in a bag, a huge stay at home dog with dripping tongue and all. My room had a kitchenette and the iron was in the hallway. We had to share. I felt like I was staying in a commune without the ideology.

ME: I’ll have the communal lifestyle and … could you hold the sing-a-longs.

It was kind of like renting a car from someone’s house. Maybe Mavis instead of Avis.

MAVIS: Well, no one is using that Corolla in the driveway. How about I let you use that for a few days? You gonna be needin’ the coverage baby?

Happy New Year Bozo

There’s a radio station in Los Angeles that’s encouraging people to call in and say what resolutions they’ve already broken. It’s one of these Jack stations. They play what they want. They take no requests. Don’t even think about making a request. Somehow they still play the same 30 songs over and over, mainly classic rock, with a sprinkle of random songs from the other genres. It’s odd how a station that can play “anything” would repeat the same song even in a 4 day span. Out of thousands of popular songs you play the same 100 songs?! But I digress.

I guess it’s cool to break resolutions and it’s funny for everyone to share their failures. So, dressing failure up in a funny costume makes it okay? If a clown knocks on your door and punches you in the face when you answer, does the fact that it’s a clown make your black eye heal quicker? Kind of like if a tree falls in the woods… Maybe someone reading this has been punched by a clown. If so, I just hope Bozo didn’t put his body into it. Clearly resolutions are basically a wish list and you shouldn’t feel bad if you falter on your quest. But if on January 2nd you’re already glib about not reaching your goals, then why make them in the first place. It’s better for your mental psyche if you just don’t make any at all. Then, at least you haven’t failed. Making fun of breaking them is like hookers who try to convince you they love their job and are getting paid to do what they love. Yeah right, and is that the reason Pretty Woman is 8 out of ten hooker’s favorite movie. So, Happy New Year everyone! Don’t get down on yourself if your resolutions fall through the cracks but why not give it the college try. Of course, now that I’ve written this, I have to do the same. :-)

It’s never too late to be what you could have been…