Custom like a mo-fo

In Korea, I had the great fortune of buying a custom-made blazer. Think used car salesman but way cooler (no really). On the up side it fits like a glove and MY NAME IS EMBROIDERED on the inside. That’s right my name. On the down side my friends have to hear me tell them that, MY NAME IS EMBROIDERED on the inside, as often as possible, with me constantly finding new ways to reveal the inner pocket showing of the...surprise...surprise...there’s MY NAME EMBROIDERED on the inside

“Excuse me? What’s it made of? I’m not sure let me look...It says DWAYNE PERKINS here but maybe it’s wool.”
“What, the designer’s name? Maybe it’s on the inside pocket...Well, I guess not but I recognize that name! DWAYNE PERKINS but... I didn’t design this ;-)”
“ I know I’m wearing this jacket and I haven’t taken it off since I left the house, but how can I be sure it’s mine...let’s take a closer look on the inside...yep it’s mine!”

I was having an absolute blast bragging about my coat to my friends when a guy walked in with a blazer almost identical to mine, same color and pattern. My friends laughed for 10 minutes. I have never been irritated by someone wearing my same outfit but this really ticked me off. The down side, someone has a blazer like mine. The up side, maybe having my name in the jacket will actually come in handy one day. I’d much rather had not been proven right on that point. The inside of his jacket probably says “100% NOT DWAYNE PERKINS”, so there!

3 is The Magic Number

I was on a plane from New York to Los Angeles. The waif girl next to me woke from her stupor just in time for the apple pancakes. She really dug in and took exactly 3 bites of her breakfast. I think she’s sitting on a gold mine. Everybody’s doing the South Beach, Atkins , celery soup or whatever diet just came out. If you want to get in shape, get on the 3 bite diet. Eat anything you want, but you can have only 3 little bites. It worked for the girl next to me. I was in the aisle and she in the middle seat and I still had room to put my book, walkman and laptop in her seat. I don’t think she noticed.

Recycle Me

I’m a professional packer but 2 days of unplanned Bikram Yoga made me burn through my undies and socks 1 day short of my return home. I had no time to wash clothes, so I sprayed my underwear and socks from the night before with Fabreze and jumped in the shower. Well, today I gotta say I’m feeling pretty fresh. My recycled underwear and socks are holding up rather nicely. Looks like your boy may have just tripled his wardrobe. Surely, if it works on underwear... Just kidding. I don’t want to get in an accident and have to go to the hospital with overused draws on.

Friday Night Lights

I saw the movie “Friday Night Lights” on an airplane today. I have to admit I almost cried. I said almost! On an airplane no less. That Derek Lu sure is a good actor. And I sure am a big wuss. Seriously though, a lot of movies have that one tear-jerker scene that forces you to man-up. This movie had 3 or 4 of them. I usually think about football to get my mind away from a teary eyed scene but what do you do if the movie is about football? See my dilemma?

“I’ll take the chicken cordon blue. What? No I always cry on airplanes...It’s the altitude...No really!!!”

Guest What?!

I was on line in Starfucks today, mainly because I refuse to pay anything less than 4 dollars for my coffee. As the Barista helped each person in line she said “Next guest please...” Guest? How about customer. Or ‘He who payeth too mucheth for his coffeeth.’ I don’t recall the last time I had guests over my house and charged them.
“Thanks for dinner Dwayne. Those Turkey Burgers were great.”
“Thanks my ass. That’ll be 14.75 bitches. And tipping ain't a city in China... Will you be having dessert?”

Assembly Required

So we got pretty ambitious. 2 city folks, who can barely change a lightbulb embarked on a major project to build a loft bed. Are the furniture instruction writers paid per word? And doesn’t there seem to be an inverse ratio between number of pieces and length of instructions.
“Oh 200 pieces uh? Here are the instructions honey on this postage stamp.” I don’t think the instructions for microwave pizza and a combo entertainment center/computer desk should be the same length.

There are 2 kinds of people. Those who finish and have pieces left over and say “I guess those are extra pieces, we’re all done here”, and those who say “We must have done it wrong.”

Fortunately and unfortunately my girl is the latter. So, 3 hours in we had to undo the whole thing to put in wooden studs! “ Looks sturdy enough to me...Okay fine we’ll re do it but I won’t like it”. Would it have killed the instruction people to tell us what to do with the studs?! I guess furniture makers have warped senses of humor. Very funny Hans!

Hold the Beets please

I walked past beets yesterday in the supermarket. Just seeing them made me slightly ill. Beets are pretty disgusting. I think we can all agree on that. When the Palestinians and the Israelis sit down for peace talks they should start every meeting by agreeing that beets are disgusting. “Now that we can agree on something let’s start with the talks. West Bank, what say you?”

I think they call them beets because that’s what my mother had to do to me to get me to eat them. I was first introduced to beets under very false pretenses. At age 5, I had already had the wonderful pleasure of eating cranberry sauce. So when I saw beets I had high hopes for the taste of cranberry. Can someone give a brother a heads up! Not only do I not like beets, I don’t trust them either. Those beets knew they weren’t cranberry sauce.

HollyWeird

Today, while walking on Hollywod Blvd, I saw a transvestite in a wheel chair. There's really no joke or anything I can add to it. I just saw a transvestite in a wheel chair. "What you looking at?! You never see a guy/girl in a wheel chair before?!"

The Customer is Not Always right

I was in Korea recently (shows for the troops.) I was in a shopping area of Seoul Called Itaewon. The Army shows pay but with the selling tactics of the local Korean Vendors it was hard for me to come home with any of the money I made. One older lady actually called me stupid a few times during our “negotiations.” There was no way I was getting out of her shop without buying something. She kept coming down on the price and/or showing me other things. “What you no want authentic Korean Plate for 50 dollar?! You stupid! Okay, How about nice Jewelry box for your girlfriend for 40 dollar? Special just for you! You stupid! How about...” I showed her how stupid I was...I bought 2 things.

Do Not Bend

I’m sending out dozens of packets with my resume and head shot. The packages are all ready to go, postage and everything. I go to the counter only to have the postal worker stamp each packet with the “Do Not Bend” label. I want my face to get to it’s destination unscathed. The postal worker kindly stamps each package with the “Do Not Bend Label”. After stamping them, she flings the envelopes 15 feet behind her into a huge cloth bin. I chuckled but I don’t think she got the irony. Okay, Do you have a “Do Not Fling Across a Room” stamp?

Are you kidding me Yankees!!??

Oh Yankees why have thou forsaken me? Okay maybe it’s not that serious but I seriously can’t believe the Yankees lost 4 in a row to be the victims of the worst comeback in sports history. This almost negates our 26 World Championships. Almost. I wonder how they feel being the team that had the curse somewhat lifted after all these years. This team is like the one guy who can’t satisfy an oversexed nympho that can climax from a half way decent suggestion.

Nympho:“This is the first time I haven’t reached the mountain top in 800 tries. Thanks for showing me there’s more important things in life than sex”

Guy:”Glad I could help...Could we uh kinda keep this between us”

Tuesday Haiku

Outside looking in
I want access to your soul
Take a chance on me

Making the bed

Whenever I crash at a friend’s place I always like to make the bed when I wake up. The problem is, I’m awful at making beds. I have an excuse though. I grew up sleeping mainly on pull out couches. There’s no making up, just stuff it all in and if the couch can fold back up you done good. I’m thinking about joining the Marines just so I can learn to correctly make a bed. “You call those hospital corners you maggot!?”

Airport pricing

So I'm in LAX and I want some headphones. I go to the gift shop but mainly for shites and giggles. The headphones cost 2.99. I thought it was a typo but it wasn't. 2.99. That's less than a quart of water cost in the airport. Should headphones cost more than water? It's good to know that all those drought stricken villages around the world can at least be sent headphones.

In deep thought and deeper pain ;-) 

French Toast Reigns Supreme

I’m on a flight from NYC to LA. The flight attendants are serving breakfast. The question they repeat to every passenger is “French Toast or cereal” Are you serious?! As if that could ever be in doubt. A warm, sweet, syrupy comforting delight or a bowl of cold, soggy, mulch. One lady answers “French Toast” with such annoyance it’s as if she’s just been asked is she would like a thousand dollars or be kicked in the face by a mule. Hmmn let me think about it......

Evloution Schmavolution

I’m channel surfing, and I come across this church guy, on a public access station, very eloquently and convincingly disproving evolution. I couldn’t believe all the facts and data he had to prove his point. Somehow, all the specifics pertaining to those facts allude me. Just goes to show you truth is what you make it. I mean this guy could make Magellan believe the world is flat. “Well, I thought I went all the way around...”

Airforce One

I always do the presidential wave when I get off small airplanes and have to walk down the steps. I like pretending there’s a press conference with screaming fans and protesters (haters mostly.) The crew always looks at me like “do we know this guy.”

Life Flashing Before me

I’m on a small airplane about to land at Laguardia airport in NYC. During the descend, the pilot takes us over Manhattan, Staten Island and swings a U-turn to go over Brooklyn and Queens before landing. In a 10 minute span I spotted my mother’s building, my high school, the building I grew up in, the building my first job was in and 2 of my aunt’s buildings. In ten minutes I flew over what took me over 25 years to traverse. Of course, I know planes fly very fast but still the aerial summation of my life was both nostalgic and slightly sad. Through all my peaks and valleys I had taken but a mere step in the grand scheme of things. Tray tables up.

Home Sweet Hood

I grew up in Coney Island. The home of Nathans hot dogs. Coney Island is also reknown for producing great basketball players. Anyone up for a one-on-one? Actually, riding the bench 3 years for the HS of Telecommunications "Lasers" should be a clear indicator that I had nothing to do with Coney Island's basketball glory. So I'm reading this sports book that chronicles some hoop stars from my dear old Coney Island. The book is set in my neighborhood, my block to be exact. At first I'm psyched to see Coney Island in print and getting some well deserved props. Then the writer goes on and on about how bad of a neighborhood it is. One critic called it a wasteland. I know I didn't grow up in Mayberry, but a wasteland?! I've spent the last few days asking myself was it really that bad or is the writer inflating things a bit to sell books? It's probably somewhere in the middle. It's not like I vacation there now. So to all my more recent friends who refuse to believe I'm from the mean streets, take a look at "The Last Shot" and chew on that.