Plum Terrific

I had a plum from the ninety nine cents store that I think came from the Island of Dr. Moreau. Either, this plum was doing an uncanny impression of an apple or some mad scientist is somewhere rubbing his hands together saying…”I’ll make millions!” It had a stem. It was red, with a little brown. It had an apple shape. I was thoroughly impressed. For a second before I ate it I thought about putting my plum on America’s Got Talent……Nah! (Crunch!) Plum out of luck.

Cups…Not Just For Drinking Anymore

I just watched the World Stacking Championship on ESPN. I had never heard of this “sport.” The child competitors literally stacked cups. They did a human interest piece on one of the stackers. He said he’s been stacking for years. He also said he came from a rough place and no one was around to really guide him. I guess he turned to stacking. Clearly no one was around to tell him to stop with all the cup stacking. These kids are going fast as hell. But who decided we needed to compete in cup stacking? Why not see who can unzip their pants first or who can put DVDs in their cases the quickest. I guess it develops eye hand coordination but it also seems to develop OCD. I just saw a 7 year old say he practices cup stacking 4 hours a day. I’m getting nervous just watching it.

7 YEAR OLD ALL GROWN UP : Gotta stack…yeah…Gotta stack.

One girl stacks with her tongue out and she said “it worked for Michael Jordan.”

Once upon a time, i think there was this guy who was not good at any sport. His friends teased him and he finally got fed up and said…

GUY NOT GOOD AT SPORTS: Oh Yeah?! I bet I can stack cups better than you!!...

And a “sport” was born.

Did I mention that it was an international event? It came down to Germany vs USA. The crowd chanted USA..USA.. as a lone German flag waved. I won’t give away the ending.

Don’t believe me
http://www.worldsportstackingassociation.org/

Make sure you watch and read the comments! Hilarious!
You Tube Stacking Clip

A Minor

I went to a Brooklyn Cyclones Baseball game. The Cyclones are the Mets Minor A-league team. Every seat is a good one. The tickets are cheap and best of all the Keyspan Park they play in is in my hometown, Coney Island.

What struck me is that everything about the place is minor league. Obviously the players are. But the players are not as minor as everything else. Every facet of the place reveals a person or entity vying to get to the next level. The whole thing is a big elaborate audition. The umpires want to be in the big time. The say “Striiike!”, a little louder than they need to. The Mascots are a little off. That guy in the hot dog suit would love to be Mr. Met one day. He turns down no pictures…ever. The announcer is more amped than the situation calls for. He’s wants his voice blaring from Yankee Stadium one day. The -sound guy is too active. The “din ni ni ni ni ni…Charge” comes in on non-charging situations. He hopes to be behind the sound board at Dodger stadium. The sponsors are minor league. The banners in the outfield are of companies not big enough to advertise on prime time: Sal’s Transmissions, Bridge Pharmacy…

This desire to be more makes for a great time. They give away more prizes. The mascots come into the stands during the game. You get the feeling that you could just walk out into the field if you want. They have something to prove and try their darnest to prove it to the small audience in attendance. They try harder. It’s like the baseball equivalent to dating a big girl. Sorry big girls. You know I love you. You don’t have to go the extra mile for me…not that you could…I kid, I kid. *

I recommend going to a Minor League game for Major League fun.

Shout out to the Minor League folks with a major league complex. And the winner was me.

*Some of my best friends are big. :-)

Put me in Coach, I’m Ready to Play

Your boy is well traveled but I don’t necessarily travel well. Meaning, I spend most of my flight time in coach. Crying babies, loud Snorers, seat belt extensions…you get the picture. At least it’s not a bus and at least I’m taking 5 hours to go a distance that 150 years ago took 3 months.

My last flight was particular dodgy. I was assigned the dreaded middle seat.

QSN: I once had a middle seat on a flight to Germany. I was stuck between an ex-linebacker and a woman with an over active bladder. Of course Ms Pee-A-Lot sat by the window.

I took the walk of pain to my seat only to realize I was in the last row. Yippie, Two whole inches to recline, now that’s vertical comfort folks?! But as luck would have it, Henry Rollins of the Henry Rollins Band* fame was sitting in the aisle seat next to me. I introduced myself and it was off to the races.

We talked about everything under the sun and the only thing that could have made it more enjoyable would have been the hot towels from first class…ok maybe one of those brownies too. We had first class banter in the last row of coach. Henry hipped me to all types of life game and industry game. I told him how to tell when a melon is at its ripest. (we contribute what we can) Henry has a great career. Hit records, USO Tours, best selling author, a show on the IFC. Henry is so cool that he let his manager sit in First Class. So don’t go thinking Henry is going through a rough patch. He’s just a real dude and not a delicate spoiled rose pedal.

The whole thing kind of validates me driving a stick shift Saturn with manual windows. Henry drives a Subaru by the way... I got money in the bank ‘cause I don’t buy girls drinks….

Shout out to the brother sitting by the window. I hope our talking didn’t stop you from getting your sleep on and please forgive me for breaking the brother “code” by talking to Henry first. I would appreciate it if you didn’t report me.

* Henry Rollins had a huge hit record in the Nineties called “I’m a Liar” it dominated the MTV airwaves for months. But check out all his accomplishments for yourself at http://21361.com/

QSN: Quick Side Note

Copy Cat

I was recently on the set of a commercial shoot with child actors. They kids were great. They reminded me of myself when I was younger, so precocious and filled with wonderment*. As the day went on and everybody got a little loopy, one girl began to mock another adult actor by repeating everything he said in a mocking voice. I almost forgot how effectively you can annoy someone by simply copying them. You can go on forever until the person you’re copying completely loses it or says something disparaging about you. This usually means the game is over, unless you don’t mind saying something bad about yourself.

COPY-EE: Stop it. Cut it out. You Jackass
DWAYNE: Stop it. Cut it out. You Jackass
COPY-EE: Dwayne smells like a turd
DWAYNE: Dwayne smells like a turd
COPYEE: I‘m going to stab you
DWAYNE: I‘m going to stab you
COPY-EE: See, I told you stop messing with me. Now your intestines are spilling out.
DWAYNE: See, I told you stop messing with me. Now your intestines are spilling out.
COPY-EE: Dude, you’re gonna die. I’ll only call 911 if you stop!
DWAYNE: Dude, you’re gonna die. I’ll only call 911 if you stop!

In the above scenario the actor playing Dwayne would die but… it’s funny, the Copy-ee is annoyed as hell and he’s got to explain to the authorities how and why he did it. But maybe he could use that same tactic on the cops, until his lawyer shows up.

COP: Why did you do it?
COPY-EE: Why did you do it?
COP: Speak up punk.
COPY-EE: Speak up punk.
COP: I’m gonna break your face you maggot.
COPY-EE: I’m gonna break your face you maggot.
COP: Fine, Hey Jack, go get the plunger….
COPY-EE: Fine, Hey Jack, go get the…What?!

*Direct quote from Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Shake and Bake..That Just Happened!

Roll With Me

I want to buy a pair of sneakers with the roller blade wheels built in. I know, I know…I’m too old to be gliding across Starbucks. But I’m not “break your hip if you fall” old. I probably should get in some more tumbles before tripping becomes a death sentence. Imagine rolling into a business meeting in a 3 piece suit.

BUSINESS ROLLER: We make this deal or I roll…literally.

Rock…Skate…Roll….Bounce!

She’s Crafty

I can’t believe how many Michael’s craft stores there are in the country. It seems like every strip mall I find myself in has one. I didn’t know America was so crafty. I guess housewives use the time I use blogging to scrapbook and knit. But there’s also a clothing store in every strip mall. So are we knitting or buying people? Why are we doubling our effort? It seems to me the day they came out with machines that make clothes should have been the day we laid down our yarn and needles.* How about doing nothing? I enjoy a little nothing from time to time. I was in central PA one day after Halloween last year and every house was already garbed in thanksgiving paraphernalia. Soccer Moms’ Craft Warfare at its finest.

And I’m not even mentioning all the Mom and Pop craft stores. Who has time to do all this stuff…really?! Then again, I suppose one could get a lot done, if they didn’t spend 4 hours a day on Myspace.

Stay Crafty America!

* Of course I’m not advocating that Grand Ma’s put down their yarn. We need them to make us disproportionate blankets and they need to make them for us. Those Trapezoid blankets come from love.

No Man is an Island*

I returned to my car after visiting a friend to find that I couldn’t find my keys. After an extensive search of his place and the perimeter of my car, I could only conclude that I maybe left the keys in the door and someone had them. I never lock my keys in the car because my base level ’04 Saturn Ion has manual everything. People get in my car and take 2 minutes to figure out how roll the window down. Then they take another minute actually rolling the window down.** I guest-ti-mate that rolling down and up a manual window burns 8 Calories. So my car is like a traveling Gym…when you think about it.

My friend and I went to grab a bite, he drove, to maybe let my mind marinate a bit to figure out where I put the keys. Before we left I looked longingly at my car thinking that would be the last time I saw “Da O–Four.”

After washing down my protein style Double Double** with some Diet Coke, we returned to resume the key hunt. Good news: was the car was still there….whew. Bad news: We still couldn’t find the key. After another solid 10 minutes of our key quest, I noticed a small piece of paper on my windshield. I opened the paper and it was a tiny note that said “Check the Gas Tank!” I did as instructed and alas my keys where there safe and sound. The person took nothing and did not even leave their name or number. Thank you...Person who put my keys in the Gas Tank! Thank you soooo much.

I’m a victim of an R.A.K. (Random Act of Kindness.) I hope to pay it forward in some way or another. Maybe I’ll finally help that African Minister of Finance that’s been sending me email about his 80 Million dollar oil reserve he needs to put into my checking account.

This all happened in Westwood California. Sorry Brooklyn, but if this happened in my hometown, this blog would have been about how I had to buy a monthly metro-card because my car got jacked.

People, People who need People…^

*http://isu.indstate.edu/ilnprof/ENG451/ISLAND/

*http://www.poetry-online.org/donne_for_whom_the_bell_tolls.htm

**Check In and Out burger. Protein style means with no bun wrapped in extra lettuce.
http://inandout.com/

^ People – Popular Barbara Streisand song.
http://www.poemhunter.com/song/people-3/

CAPTAIN LITERAL

I was on a plane and before take off they said “It’s against federal regulations to tamper with, disable or destroy airplane bathroom fire detectors.” Okay….don’t you have to tamper with something to disable it. Furthermore, if you destroy something it’s pretty safe to assume that you’ve also disabled it. (Obi-Wan Kenobi* being the lone exception…”Luke, use the Force”)

Or maybe they’re afraid too many people would use the loophole. Like a mother tells her oldest not to mess with his younger sibling. She returns to find the young child has expired.

KID: You said don’t mess with him… You didn’t say anything about destroying him.

MOM: You got me silly. Now get ready for dinner, we’ll dump your brother later.

(A morbid thought indeed.)

How about just saying “Don’t touch it!”?

CAPTAIN LITERAL: But what about people with telekinesis** ….What if they use gloves or a bat…they could just spit on it or pour a water…that’s not touching…

Captain Literals are tampering with, disabling and destroying America

* Obi-Wan Kenobi: Guy from Star Wars movie who guided Luke Sky Walker even after Darth Vader destroyed him.

**Telekinesis: the power to move something by thinking about it without the application of physical force

Round Mound of Rebound

Why is Dwayne Wade so pressed to be in Charles Barkley's 5?!

more importantly

What's up Charles' ass that he can't add one of the NBA's best to his five?

even more importantly

What exactly is a five?

Then again, I'm the guy who never understood why the rabbit couldn't have any Trix. It was his damn cereal. He was on the cover for crying out loud. That would be like banning Oprah from reading the 'O' magazine.

I'm actually not allowed to look at my blog page. So let's keep this between us.

Yoda Slow Yo

I watched Star Wars Episode 2: “Attack of the Clones” again this week. It’s my favorite of the prequels. No hate mail please. I’m sure your favorite is good too and you have compelling reasons why. The one thought I kept having through the movie was “How come they can’t tell the Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is behind all strife in the force/universe.” (QSN: I always try to have at least on slash in all my recurring thoughts :0))

It’s easy to track evil, just follow the money. Palpatine has the most to gain from all the madness. He very humbly and reluctantly accepts total control of the senate until they “figure things out.” Whoever gains the most is probably who you should blame the most. (QSN: Jesse Jackson would be proud :D)) You should always follow the money and power. Not to mention Palpatine’s evil sneer, that insincere smirk and above all else… the beady eyes! Beady eyes are beady for a reason. They get stuck that way from years of rubbing your hands together and plotting the demise of others’. It’s hard to plan someone’s demise without squinting your eyes. Go ahead and try. But look throughout history, no traitor or sneaky person ever had wide-open, inviting eyes. Unless they were those really big scary eyes which is probably the person over compensating for their natural beady eyes.

So Yoda and company can sense things hundreds of miles away, move objects without touching them, put thoughts into people’s heads but completely miss beady eyes!

Good thing nothing like that could happen in real life.

Let the nerd jokes begin :-)

QSN: Quick Side Note

Throw Some….

The song “Throw Some D’s on that Bitch” is my new favorite guilty pleasure. And now that Kanye West is on the remix, it’s on for real. The original song was about putting- excuse me- throwing rims on a car (twenty inch rims to be exact) Kanye’s verse is about girls getting fake boobs (size D cups to be exact.) Not sure if you know this but every time you listen to “Throw Some D’s…” you loose .278 IQ points. But ahh it’s so worth it. You know what the song also has become?…You guessed it, my response to everything. It’s so much fun. Even if it makes no sense; in your next conversation with a friend make “throwing D’s” your response to anything.

FRIEND: I think my dog is sick.
YOU: Have you tried throwing some D’s on that bitch
FRIEND: Huh?

FRIEND2: I think Barack Obama has a real shot at this thing.
YOU: I like his chances more if he throws some D’s on that bitch
FRIEND2: What?!

WIFE: You never take me out anymore!
HUSBAND: C’mon honey. Why just last week I threw some D’s on that Bitch.

Hours of enjoyment!

On a side note:

It’s good to see all areas of the country acknowledged by hip hop. Dirty South, East Coast, West Coast, Mid West, hell even Toronto in a few songs. But no one ever shouts out the Pacific North West. The 8 black people in Montana feel left out. And I don’t know about you but my posse stays on Broadway.

Hotel? Do Tell

Recently, I spend a few days in the Grange hotel in Toronto. I found this jewel on hotels.com it was the cheapest place that had all the amenities I wanted (mainly parking and internet.) The place was great. But I definitely got the feel that this was an apartment building with a few non-rented units they decided to pimp out.

There were mail boxes in the lobby. I saw a guy in flip flops coming down to check his mail. Another couple had groceries, but way too much crap for a short hotel stay. Another guy, had his dog in the elevator to go for a walk. And not the cute dogs you carry around in a bag, a huge stay at home dog with dripping tongue and all. My room had a kitchenette and the iron was in the hallway. We had to share. I felt like I was staying in a commune without the ideology.

ME: I’ll have the communal lifestyle and … could you hold the sing-a-longs.

It was kind of like renting a car from someone’s house. Maybe Mavis instead of Avis.

MAVIS: Well, no one is using that Corolla in the driveway. How about I let you use that for a few days? You gonna be needin’ the coverage baby?

Happy New Year Bozo

There’s a radio station in Los Angeles that’s encouraging people to call in and say what resolutions they’ve already broken. It’s one of these Jack stations. They play what they want. They take no requests. Don’t even think about making a request. Somehow they still play the same 30 songs over and over, mainly classic rock, with a sprinkle of random songs from the other genres. It’s odd how a station that can play “anything” would repeat the same song even in a 4 day span. Out of thousands of popular songs you play the same 100 songs?! But I digress.

I guess it’s cool to break resolutions and it’s funny for everyone to share their failures. So, dressing failure up in a funny costume makes it okay? If a clown knocks on your door and punches you in the face when you answer, does the fact that it’s a clown make your black eye heal quicker? Kind of like if a tree falls in the woods… Maybe someone reading this has been punched by a clown. If so, I just hope Bozo didn’t put his body into it. Clearly resolutions are basically a wish list and you shouldn’t feel bad if you falter on your quest. But if on January 2nd you’re already glib about not reaching your goals, then why make them in the first place. It’s better for your mental psyche if you just don’t make any at all. Then, at least you haven’t failed. Making fun of breaking them is like hookers who try to convince you they love their job and are getting paid to do what they love. Yeah right, and is that the reason Pretty Woman is 8 out of ten hooker’s favorite movie. So, Happy New Year everyone! Don’t get down on yourself if your resolutions fall through the cracks but why not give it the college try. Of course, now that I’ve written this, I have to do the same. :-)

It’s never too late to be what you could have been…

Royal Flush

Can we please not get too ahead of ourselves with the whole auto-flushing toilets? I’m all for them but please leave the manual flush option. More and more I’m running into toilets, with no manual flush, that flush when they want to. The problem is when they want to is sometimes not when you want to and definitely not when the guy in the next stall over wants them to. We have to keep the courtesy flush in play, not only for thy neighbor but also for thyself. I know I don’t want sit over my toxic offerings. If we lose the courtesy flush then we have to answer all the intestinal questions/comments:

Are you Okay?
Did something die inside of you?
Maybe you should try fasting…indefinitely

I’m green with concern for the earth but we can find other ways to save water:

Cut the water off when you brush your teeth.
In the shower rinse, cut off water, lather, cut on water and rinse off
Fill your water balloons just half way

Whatever we do, let’s keep up the courtesy. Flush America.

Shot Gun Run

I recently saw a very scary billboard while driving in central Pennsylvania. There was a picture of a diamond necklace and the copy read “How much did his last shot gun cost?” His last shot gun?! How many guns does a person need? I guess this sign’s purpose is to encourage wives to make the case to their husbands’ that instead of buying that last shotgun he could have bought her jewelry. It’s also meant to guilt trip the men into buying the misses something purrty. Basically it poses the question is your wife more important than a gun. But didn’t these girls know what they were getting into.

HUSBAND: Baby you knew I was about my shotguns when I met you. We met in the shot gun Aisle!

I say we should put diamonds on the guns. Kill two birds with one shotgun. Put some bling on your bang! Buy your little Bonnie a cute handgun with a diamond studded handle. The note could read “ With Love…Clyde”

I would have stopped and taken a picture of this billboard but I couldn’t stop driving anywhere that question needs to be asked. I’ve seen too many late night movies where some city slicker makes a wrong turn and ends up squealing like a pig. And much to the Yankee’s chagrin, the local judge is also the cousin of the sheriff who is the brother of the guy who knocked him out and fondled his girlfriend. So I kept driving and set my cruise control right at the speed limit. I didn’t want to speed and have to meet the sheriff who’s kin to the judge…

You Have the Right to Remain Quenched

I was walking on Larchmont Ave. in the Larchmont section of Los Angeles. The 3 block stretch is probably the quaintest section of the whole city. It’s a place where people walk around with Yoga mats as if they were brief cases. I counted 6 mats in a 10 minute span but I did not see a Yoga studio anywhere. I guess you always have to be prepared. You never know when you’ll have to break out some downward dog on a fool. As I walked I spotted 4 police officers sitting in front of a Jamba Juice enjoying smoothies. I don’t want to paint our boys in blue into a box but could they not find a respectable donut shop. I have some criminal friends and I sleep better at night knowing they can out run most donut eating, coffee drinking out of shape cops on the beat. You haven’t seen police brutality until you’ve seen an irritated officer interrupted from a refreshing Tropical Awakening smoothie. The visual of a cop experiencing brain freeze just doesn’t make me feel safe. I would give 3 to 1 odds that at least 2 of them have headshots.

OFFICER: You have the right to cast me in any films or TV shows you may be producing. If you give up that right any parking tickets you have can and will be used against you…

Ok k k

I recently performed at Gettysburg College in Gettysburg PA. Yes, that Gettysburg. ( Four score and seven years ago, Gettysburg). I stayed in the Gettysburg hotel, established in 1787! Sadly, it’s a part of the Best Western chain now. The show went well but afterwards the students told me the KKK will be protesting in Gettysburg the week after my show. (not against me per-se, but blacks in general) They went on to tell me how the college is planning a counter protest. Now, as a black person I should have been really into this discussion but all I could think of was “what’s the thread count on the sheets they use”? I know the sheets are all about hiding their identity and looking menacing but it seems a high thread count would still be desirable. Even a racist can appreciate softness. Then again, sheets that are too soft against the face may make it harder to hate. It would be like being irate while the Snuggle bear is tickling your neck.

GRANDMASTER: The white race is supreme we feel- Chip will you stop giggling and hold the torch straight…Damn High thread count!

Just Add Fur

I was about to get in my car when I saw what looked like a rat scurrying from under my car. I took a step back ready to engage in full flight or full fight. Where are my numchucks when I need them?! As I stood at the ready, I looked down again and noticed it was only a squirrel. I exhaled a sigh of relief. Alas, it was only a cute little squirrel. Now squirrels are in the rodent family too. So why do we love the squirrel and hate the rat. Well, besides the squirrel having a much better Public Relations team, I think it’s the bushy fur tail. Adding fur, especially a furry tail, to anything makes it cute and harmless. Think Mike Tyson…now think Mike Tyson with a cute furry tail. See what I mean. Maybe that’s why Divas like to wear fur. They’re trying to throw everyone off the scent of their raging bitch-dom.

Assistant: She said if there are any green M&M’s in her dressing room she would back slap me with her ring hand…but she was so cute in that Chinchilla.

Little Known Fact That I Made Up: The Roman Army wore fur vests to make the opposing armies put up a weaker fight.

Beware of Gremlins toting weapons and a smirk.

Luxury Matters

I was walking down Wilshire Blvd. in Santa Monica California when I heard what sounded like a symphony. I looked around for the live band or orchestra that must have been playing in a near by building. With no buildings nearby with that “Jam Session in Session” look, I turned my attention to a Lexus car stopped at a red light with its windows down. It turns out the sweet tunes were coming from that Lexus. I looked in astonishment trying to figure out where the orchestra was hidden. It’s like the Boston Pops were playing. I kept thinking, “Wow, is a symphony standard on a Lexus?” I’ve never been one for over-the-top luxury. My Saturn Ion is a stick shift and my windows are manual. That’s right, it’s 2006 and I have to vigorously work out my rotator cuff to order at the drive through. I don’t even have a CD player or cassette. I’m one of the only people left who rents a car and thinks, “What a sweet audio system in this Hyundai Accent!” The only thing people think when my window is rolled down is “Wow, Saturns come with clock radios?”

No, but I had it specially installed and the snooze length is adjustable. Don’t hate.