Comedians on Call from backstage at Late Night with Conan O'Brien.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Friday, August 01, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Dwayne Perkins Video Blog 3
Comedians on Call 3 with help from Butch Bradley and Dan Gabriel. Live from Okinawa. Enjoy!
Friday, June 27, 2008
George Carlin
We lost George Carlin earlier this week. For those of you not familiar with his work, I urge you to check out his great legacy of stand-up and writing. Before I even became a comic or knew I wanted to or could be a stand-up, George Carlin blew my mind and offered new ways of thinking and being. George Carlin was and will always be what so many profess to be but aren’t, an artist and person whose life, art and words were always consistent, fair and true; even if they weren’t popular or soothing. His points were always reflective of how he felt and never just what people wanted to hear. And he did it all with insanely efficient razor sharp wit, mad passion and massive charm. In this day and age so much art is designed using reverse engineering and marketing plans and people make hollow points to people they know already agree with them. We should all learn from the example he set. He spoke truth and let that alone be his reward.
He also never tried to pass on gratuitousness as provocative-ness. I see so many comics feigning anger or making obvious points with attitude and smugness that would suggest their taking risks or pushing the envelope but their only standing in place loudly. It’s not my goal to expose comics but more to shine the light on Carlin’s greatness. He paved the way for the rest of us to talk about whatever we want and to be brazen and fearless. George Carlin will always be my personal favorite and the world of comedy rests on his tiny shoulders.
We can’t all be Carlin but we can all be true to ourselves and use our mental faculties to question things, ultimately enriching our lives and mankind as a whole.
I had the pleasure of meeting George Carlin. He was kind and friendly and true to the words he spoke on stage.
Thank you Mr. Carlin, there will never be another like you but I for one will forever be inspired by your radiance. We will miss you.
He also never tried to pass on gratuitousness as provocative-ness. I see so many comics feigning anger or making obvious points with attitude and smugness that would suggest their taking risks or pushing the envelope but their only standing in place loudly. It’s not my goal to expose comics but more to shine the light on Carlin’s greatness. He paved the way for the rest of us to talk about whatever we want and to be brazen and fearless. George Carlin will always be my personal favorite and the world of comedy rests on his tiny shoulders.
We can’t all be Carlin but we can all be true to ourselves and use our mental faculties to question things, ultimately enriching our lives and mankind as a whole.
I had the pleasure of meeting George Carlin. He was kind and friendly and true to the words he spoke on stage.
Thank you Mr. Carlin, there will never be another like you but I for one will forever be inspired by your radiance. We will miss you.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Take Me Out to the Ball Game
This is sort of the flip side of a blog I wrote a while back. I went to a Yankee game yesterday (BX Stand up), picture perfect day to catch a ball game (74 and partly cloudy.) Luckily, the Yankees won and I was with one of my laid back homies. What ended pretty well had actually started out quite stressful.
I was running a little late. Not late for the game but late for our meeting time. We wanted to meet 2 hours before the game started because it was cap day at Yankee Stadium. But only the 1st 15 thousand get a cap. Mind you, Yankee stadium holds well over 50 thousand people. I’m typically not a get somewhere 2 hours ahead of time kind of guy. But, I wanted a hat and definitely didn’t want to prevent my buddy from getting a hat. My reason for running late? I tried to sneak in a quick Tae Bo On-Demand session in the morning to “earn” the right to pig out at the game.
So, bad judgment call notwithstanding I run up to the gate to meet my friend with plenty of time to get a hat and chill out before the game started. But, instead of just checking my bag the people at the gate make me go across the street and check my bag in at some random after game pub. There’s some weird no bag policy at Yankee stadium that I still don’t understand as I counted at least 30 bags once I got in. Seems like some racket to help the fledging bag check company across the street.
I try to plea my case but it feels almost like airport security. Like, if I kept protesting, I would’ve been rewarded with a cavity search. And not the kind dentists give you. But they let purses in and certain kinds of bags in. Not like you could ever conceal a weapon in a purse. Or put stolen items in a purse for that matter. Get real Yankee stadium. There’s no way you can handle 30 thousand bags being checked which, to me, indicates that only some are checked thus making the whole thing extremely silly and suspect. In a non driving city like New York sometimes you have to bring all your stuff for the day with you: book, jacket, umbrella, fig newtons etc. So basically my book bag is a socially acceptable man purse. And, since they were letting purses in. I should have been allowed to enter with my…ahem…book bag. Or I could have just bought a purse and risked even greater scrutiny from the New Yorkers.
NEW YORK DUDE: Hey get a load of twinkle toes with the purse over there. Hey, Rupaul, where’s the drag show…
I think not. I run across the street check the bag and run back into the stadium, only to be 5th in line when they ran out of free hats. Keep it together.
Fine, I rarely wear baseball hats anyway, time to enjoy the game get a hot dog and root the pinstripes. I wait in line for 15 minutes to get a hot dog and soda only to be told the hot dogs are not ready. Not ready?! Did you guys not know there was a game today? An hour before the game and they’re not ready. That’s all you have to say? Its one thing to have your quiche in the oven as dinner guests arrive but it’s a travesty to not have hot dogs ready to go for 40 thousand crazed fans that were overcharged and hatless. So I grabbed an ice cream, reversing the order I had in mind.
QSN: Can we stop calling those ice cream dipping dots* the ice cream of the future and just call them the ice cream of today. They’ve been the ice cream of the future for about 15 years now. The jig is up.
Come on Yankees; don’t force me into going to only small market and minor league games. In the end my friend did get a hat, the Yankees won and I look better without a hat anyway.
Take Me Out to the Ball Game
Take 50 bucks for nose bleed seats
Make me check my book bag ‘cross the street
Wait in long line for dogs not ready to eat
Root, Root, Root for the home team
They better win cause I’m damn near bankrupt
Well, it’s 1,2,3 strikes –
Uh hell no! I paid too much to be up in this piece. My beer is warm and I took out a 2nd mortgage for these cold ass chicken fingers. I better see some home runs. I better see the skin ripped off the ball-
At the old ball game
* http://www.dippindots.com/company/
I was running a little late. Not late for the game but late for our meeting time. We wanted to meet 2 hours before the game started because it was cap day at Yankee Stadium. But only the 1st 15 thousand get a cap. Mind you, Yankee stadium holds well over 50 thousand people. I’m typically not a get somewhere 2 hours ahead of time kind of guy. But, I wanted a hat and definitely didn’t want to prevent my buddy from getting a hat. My reason for running late? I tried to sneak in a quick Tae Bo On-Demand session in the morning to “earn” the right to pig out at the game.
So, bad judgment call notwithstanding I run up to the gate to meet my friend with plenty of time to get a hat and chill out before the game started. But, instead of just checking my bag the people at the gate make me go across the street and check my bag in at some random after game pub. There’s some weird no bag policy at Yankee stadium that I still don’t understand as I counted at least 30 bags once I got in. Seems like some racket to help the fledging bag check company across the street.
I try to plea my case but it feels almost like airport security. Like, if I kept protesting, I would’ve been rewarded with a cavity search. And not the kind dentists give you. But they let purses in and certain kinds of bags in. Not like you could ever conceal a weapon in a purse. Or put stolen items in a purse for that matter. Get real Yankee stadium. There’s no way you can handle 30 thousand bags being checked which, to me, indicates that only some are checked thus making the whole thing extremely silly and suspect. In a non driving city like New York sometimes you have to bring all your stuff for the day with you: book, jacket, umbrella, fig newtons etc. So basically my book bag is a socially acceptable man purse. And, since they were letting purses in. I should have been allowed to enter with my…ahem…book bag. Or I could have just bought a purse and risked even greater scrutiny from the New Yorkers.
NEW YORK DUDE: Hey get a load of twinkle toes with the purse over there. Hey, Rupaul, where’s the drag show…
I think not. I run across the street check the bag and run back into the stadium, only to be 5th in line when they ran out of free hats. Keep it together.
Fine, I rarely wear baseball hats anyway, time to enjoy the game get a hot dog and root the pinstripes. I wait in line for 15 minutes to get a hot dog and soda only to be told the hot dogs are not ready. Not ready?! Did you guys not know there was a game today? An hour before the game and they’re not ready. That’s all you have to say? Its one thing to have your quiche in the oven as dinner guests arrive but it’s a travesty to not have hot dogs ready to go for 40 thousand crazed fans that were overcharged and hatless. So I grabbed an ice cream, reversing the order I had in mind.
QSN: Can we stop calling those ice cream dipping dots* the ice cream of the future and just call them the ice cream of today. They’ve been the ice cream of the future for about 15 years now. The jig is up.
Come on Yankees; don’t force me into going to only small market and minor league games. In the end my friend did get a hat, the Yankees won and I look better without a hat anyway.
Take Me Out to the Ball Game
Take 50 bucks for nose bleed seats
Make me check my book bag ‘cross the street
Wait in long line for dogs not ready to eat
Root, Root, Root for the home team
They better win cause I’m damn near bankrupt
Well, it’s 1,2,3 strikes –
Uh hell no! I paid too much to be up in this piece. My beer is warm and I took out a 2nd mortgage for these cold ass chicken fingers. I better see some home runs. I better see the skin ripped off the ball-
At the old ball game
* http://www.dippindots.com/company/
Friday, June 13, 2008
Casing Your Every Move
I ran into an ex neighbor of mine in Starbucks. He shared with me the joys and pains of home ownership. Then we ran the gamut of all the perfunctory small talk and right on unspoken cue he got up to leave, slipping me his business card as he rose. I guess just in case we needed to pick up our weather conversation at a later date. After all, our discourse hadn’t touched upon humidity or barometric pressure.
I actually had no idea what he did for a living. Turns out, he’s a private investigator. His card says “Private Investigator” and he’s not kidding. Very cool. I actually had a parking spot adjacent to a Private Eye, a real life Gumshoe. This is the makings of an action movie trailer……
In a world where the line between good guys and bad guys was blurred…one man set off on his own to re-draw the line. Make the line more distinct…kinda like pro wrestling in the 80’s….anyway… To make the world a better place, he gave up his badge and became….Dwayne’s neighbor- the private eye.
On top of it all, he’s a brother. Wow a black private eye, super hero must be right around the corner. I better get fitted for my tights.
I actually had no idea what he did for a living. Turns out, he’s a private investigator. His card says “Private Investigator” and he’s not kidding. Very cool. I actually had a parking spot adjacent to a Private Eye, a real life Gumshoe. This is the makings of an action movie trailer……
In a world where the line between good guys and bad guys was blurred…one man set off on his own to re-draw the line. Make the line more distinct…kinda like pro wrestling in the 80’s….anyway… To make the world a better place, he gave up his badge and became….Dwayne’s neighbor- the private eye.
On top of it all, he’s a brother. Wow a black private eye, super hero must be right around the corner. I better get fitted for my tights.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Friday, June 06, 2008
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
A Place for Everything & Everything in It’s Place
Whenever I try to clean my room my bed becomes a holding bay for all the items and paperwork without a home. After everything else is fairly straighten up I'm usually left with a bed full of knick knacks that I don't want to throw away yet have no place to put. Sometimes I just leave them on the bed…indefinitely. Good thing I have a Full size bed. I basically have 2 adjacent twin size beds. Like a 60's sitcom husband and wife. Except, my wife is a PBS programming guide some mango insence I bought in Hawaii 3 years ago but never burned.
QSN:I actually have never burned insence. Why would I ever buy insence? It's just like that Kente clothe vest I copped back in 93. I had to know somewhere deep inside that I would never wear it. Did I think I would get invited to an NAACP African themed awards show?
Tidying up is cool but what I really need is a complete make over. When I do upgrade my stuff, it's going be hard to know where to start. I actually started already though. Your boy got himself a flat screen. Not sure if I really need a 32" LCD High Def TV to watch Seinfeld and Kramer re-runs but what the heck. But now the TV looks like it showed up to the wrong party. Like a guy in a tux who shows up at a Hawaiian shirt kegger. Because of the TV I had to get a nice stand to put it on. But now my nightstand has to go. It's bringing down the property value. And that cardboard box can no longer double as a desk. This TV is sure costing me a lot of money.
Maybe I could get one of those TV shows to come and fix up my place. Although, I don't think my story is compelling enough. Maybe they'll come once they hear my latest announcement.
***I'M STARTING A VIDEO BLOG****
That's right! Hence the room clean. Although, I may be reporting live from my bathroom or living room. Any whoo. I figure I would take questions from the masses. And by massed I mean 20 people who read my blog and each week answer one of them via video. The questions can be about anything: relationships, economics, politics, sports… you get the picture. So please email or Myspace me with your questions.
Here goes nothing….
QSN: Quick Side Note
QSN:I actually have never burned insence. Why would I ever buy insence? It's just like that Kente clothe vest I copped back in 93. I had to know somewhere deep inside that I would never wear it. Did I think I would get invited to an NAACP African themed awards show?
Tidying up is cool but what I really need is a complete make over. When I do upgrade my stuff, it's going be hard to know where to start. I actually started already though. Your boy got himself a flat screen. Not sure if I really need a 32" LCD High Def TV to watch Seinfeld and Kramer re-runs but what the heck. But now the TV looks like it showed up to the wrong party. Like a guy in a tux who shows up at a Hawaiian shirt kegger. Because of the TV I had to get a nice stand to put it on. But now my nightstand has to go. It's bringing down the property value. And that cardboard box can no longer double as a desk. This TV is sure costing me a lot of money.
Maybe I could get one of those TV shows to come and fix up my place. Although, I don't think my story is compelling enough. Maybe they'll come once they hear my latest announcement.
***I'M STARTING A VIDEO BLOG****
That's right! Hence the room clean. Although, I may be reporting live from my bathroom or living room. Any whoo. I figure I would take questions from the masses. And by massed I mean 20 people who read my blog and each week answer one of them via video. The questions can be about anything: relationships, economics, politics, sports… you get the picture. So please email or Myspace me with your questions.
Here goes nothing….
QSN: Quick Side Note
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
What I Really Want to Know Is…
So there’s this guy on the Today show last week with an incredible memory.* He remembers everything in his life from age 11 on, and he’s probably in his late forties. He remembers the time, date and day of every event in his life. He also can tell you things like what day of the week it will be when he turns seventy-five. He knows all the upcoming leap years and lunar eclipses. All this without any thought.
A guy with this kind of mind must work for NASA or teach at MIT right? But when Matt Lauder asks memory Man what he does for a living, he says he’s between jobs. I know slackers with negative motivation who don’t go a week without landing a gig. Why didn’t memory man lie? Say you’re a consultant. Say you’re working on a project. Say you’re a freelancer. Heck, Say you’re an actor or a comedian. But please don’t be on national TV touting your mental prowess and follow it up by saying you’re unemployed.
He should just rent himself out for Trivial Pursuit or those trivia games in the bars. I would pay him to feed me answers into an earpiece.
MY FRIEND1: Why is Dwayne betting on Trivial Pursuit?
MYFRIEND2: So unlike Dwayne but I’m gonna take his money because how much could he possibly know about Australian Aborigine culture?
DWAYNE: I believe the answer is Corroboree. Pay up!!... What?...Nothing’s in my ear. Ok…game over…time for you guys to leave.
I just hope this guy’s connection with his past hasn’t robbed him of his future…or present for that matter.
*Memory Man Rick Baron
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-05-12-super-memory_n.htm
A guy with this kind of mind must work for NASA or teach at MIT right? But when Matt Lauder asks memory Man what he does for a living, he says he’s between jobs. I know slackers with negative motivation who don’t go a week without landing a gig. Why didn’t memory man lie? Say you’re a consultant. Say you’re working on a project. Say you’re a freelancer. Heck, Say you’re an actor or a comedian. But please don’t be on national TV touting your mental prowess and follow it up by saying you’re unemployed.
He should just rent himself out for Trivial Pursuit or those trivia games in the bars. I would pay him to feed me answers into an earpiece.
MY FRIEND1: Why is Dwayne betting on Trivial Pursuit?
MYFRIEND2: So unlike Dwayne but I’m gonna take his money because how much could he possibly know about Australian Aborigine culture?
DWAYNE: I believe the answer is Corroboree. Pay up!!... What?...Nothing’s in my ear. Ok…game over…time for you guys to leave.
I just hope this guy’s connection with his past hasn’t robbed him of his future…or present for that matter.
*Memory Man Rick Baron
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-05-12-super-memory_n.htm
Friday, May 16, 2008
Oh My Stars
I am writing this blog from my hotel room in Dubai. You know what it is. Anyway, it's a beautiful place and my hotel room over looks the beach and another hotel called the Burj Al Arab. It's supposedly the world's only 7 star hotel. Mind you, I think five stars is the highest they go. I'm not sure what they did/do to skip 6 and go straight to 7 stars. I mean my hotel is probably 4 or 5 stars and I can barely do anything myself. They're accomodating to the point of annoyance.
Ultimately, there's got to be diminishing returns on these stars. One, I can only imagine how much a 7 star hotel costs. (i'm not paying for my room btw. You know what it is:-) Two, the more stars you have the closer you get to not being alive or maybe being an infant. At 10 stars someone baths you and puts a diaper on you. At 11, they chew your food for you then transfer it to your mouth. 14 stars you get pushed around on a gurney all day. I mean there's luxury and then there's high cost butt kissing.
I never even understood turn down service. They come in your room, leave a chocolate and crease the corner of your bed spread. Ohhh, that's how you get inside the sheets. All this time at home I've been sleeping on top of the comforter with a jacket on. Turn down service is like having a person just dedicated to keeping your bookmark. Ahh, I'm done with my reading tonight. Belvedere, you mind making a crease on page 216?
Turn down service is just an excuse for them to come check your mini bar. How about they make the mini bar reasonable and they won't have to pay someone to spy on you every night. The money they lose on the 600% mark-ups they would make back on not paying the nightly chocolate spy.Maybe I would be singing a different tune if I was sitting on a heated toilet seat or had a bed that smells of Apple Blossoms and makes you have happy dreams. Maybe.
QSN:Shout out to all the great people in Dubai and all their help and kindess. Especially my driver who helped get find a power plug for my laptop.
QSN:The picture was taken from my room's balcony. Don't be hatin'.
QSN -Quick Side Note
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Jane, Stop This Crazy Thing
Earlier this year, I was at my local gym on a gorgeous Los Angeles day. This was the kind of day you call your friends and family back east and brag about.
LA BRAGGER: You shoveled snow today? That’s too bad. It’s picture perfect here. I’m in shorts and a tank top and a butterfly landed on my hand just as 8 supermodels came up and asked me for directions. They thought the butterfly was sooo cute...or was that me they said was cute? I can’t remember but I’m hanging with them later so I’ll ask them then….Did I mention the smell of Lilac wafting through the air?
The weather is Los Angeles’ ace in the hole. It’s the one thing that almost offsets the traffic, earthquakes, mudslides, fires and flakes.
I completed my light-weight but high rep circuit training and was about to leave and soak up some LA rays. On my way out I noticed a long line for the treadmills. On a picture perfect day people were waiting in line to run in place. When I say perfect, I don’t mean hot. I mean perfect, 72 and sunny with a warm breeze. These people are akin to the mice that won’t leave their cage even when it’s open.
I didn’t even have a gym membership my first 5 years in LA. I only got one to get my light-weight pump on when I’m on the road.
These are the same people who go to a gallery to look at pictures of the landscape they just drove through to get to the gallery.
Please, no comments about impact on the knees. So Cal has more parks than you can shake a Red Vine at.
At least George Jetson had the whole no atmosphere excuse for his treadmill escapades. *
*Pic of George Jetson on the treadmill:
http://www.animationusa.com/picts/hbpict/hp02/2_Jane-Stop.jpg
LA BRAGGER: You shoveled snow today? That’s too bad. It’s picture perfect here. I’m in shorts and a tank top and a butterfly landed on my hand just as 8 supermodels came up and asked me for directions. They thought the butterfly was sooo cute...or was that me they said was cute? I can’t remember but I’m hanging with them later so I’ll ask them then….Did I mention the smell of Lilac wafting through the air?
The weather is Los Angeles’ ace in the hole. It’s the one thing that almost offsets the traffic, earthquakes, mudslides, fires and flakes.
I completed my light-weight but high rep circuit training and was about to leave and soak up some LA rays. On my way out I noticed a long line for the treadmills. On a picture perfect day people were waiting in line to run in place. When I say perfect, I don’t mean hot. I mean perfect, 72 and sunny with a warm breeze. These people are akin to the mice that won’t leave their cage even when it’s open.
I didn’t even have a gym membership my first 5 years in LA. I only got one to get my light-weight pump on when I’m on the road.
These are the same people who go to a gallery to look at pictures of the landscape they just drove through to get to the gallery.
Please, no comments about impact on the knees. So Cal has more parks than you can shake a Red Vine at.
At least George Jetson had the whole no atmosphere excuse for his treadmill escapades. *
*Pic of George Jetson on the treadmill:
http://www.animationusa.com/picts/hbpict/hp02/2_Jane-Stop.jpg
Monday, April 28, 2008
Pretty Crazy in Pink
You can file this under “Only in LA.” I recently saw a woman wearing all pink at a commercial audition. (We weren’t going in for the same thing) Everything was pink: her outfit, accessories and even her dog. Yes, she had a Pink dog. My uncanny ability to ease drop on nearby conversations was not well served. With no headphones or way to stop my brain and ears from teaming up, I was at their mercy to capture then process the Lady in Pink’s conversation. Without a hint of irony Ms Pink told another lady waiting that she dyes her dog with Beet juice once a month to achieve the Pink coat.
The really sad part: the other woman was intrigued and I’m pretty sure was making a mental note of the beet brew. So Ms Pink is spreading her gospel. I guess I’m spreading her gospel too. I trust none of my readers are going to use this beet juice knowledge for evil.
This is a clear case of style gone wild. There’s simply not enough hugging in this world. Please hug someone today. You might save a dog from a beet juice baptism and a doggie sweater. Now you know why the dog is Man’s best friend.
QSN: The dog was a poodle. But you knew that. I wrote a blog about beets a while back. It’s actually good to see someone find some use for beets, aka the most disgusting food known to man. **
**Blog Warp to my previous post on beets.
The really sad part: the other woman was intrigued and I’m pretty sure was making a mental note of the beet brew. So Ms Pink is spreading her gospel. I guess I’m spreading her gospel too. I trust none of my readers are going to use this beet juice knowledge for evil.
This is a clear case of style gone wild. There’s simply not enough hugging in this world. Please hug someone today. You might save a dog from a beet juice baptism and a doggie sweater. Now you know why the dog is Man’s best friend.
QSN: The dog was a poodle. But you knew that. I wrote a blog about beets a while back. It’s actually good to see someone find some use for beets, aka the most disgusting food known to man. **
**Blog Warp to my previous post on beets.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Trans Trucker
Last week I saw a guy in Starbucks in LA, a normal trucker looking guy with a beard, gray shirt and jeans on. What’s so odd about that you ask? Well, on top of what I already described this guy also had on a long brown wig and he had boobs. Is he butch or just the laziest transvestite in the history of men dressing fabulous? Other than the boobs and wig he was as normal and guy acting as a guy can be. It was like The Cable guy meets Rupaul. At one point he asked someone to watch his laptop while he went to the restroom, but without a hint of acknowledging his freakish appearance. He seemed oblivious to the fact that he had boobs. He even had a deep man voice he wasn’t trying to hide. There was nothing feminine about him other than, well…the boobage and wig. I felt like telling him he had boobs the same way you tell a friend they’ve got mustard on their cheek.
ME: Dude you got a little boob stuff going on right there….No, it’s still there…to the left...here just let me get it…
The best part of living in LA and being from New York...not only did people not care they didn’t even acknowledge him. Trucker guy with boobs? Outstanding. Now back to my Rooibos tea.
Now contrast this guy with the things that make you self conscious. Not even close.
ME: Dude you got a little boob stuff going on right there….No, it’s still there…to the left...here just let me get it…
The best part of living in LA and being from New York...not only did people not care they didn’t even acknowledge him. Trucker guy with boobs? Outstanding. Now back to my Rooibos tea.
Now contrast this guy with the things that make you self conscious. Not even close.
Friday, March 28, 2008
99 problems But Inflation Ain’t One…Hit Me!
My friend recently called me up in arms saying that the 99cents* store had gone up in price. Turns out what my friend the alarmist was referring to was a few items that used to be 2 for a $.99 now cost 59 cents each. I didn’t have the heart or energy to point out to my friend that 59 cents is less than 99 cents. No, he can take that up with his 2nd grade teacher.
At some point though, won’t the 99 cents store have to change its name to the One dollar and 29 cents store? I mean when cars fly, robot computers cook breakfast for you and gas is $8 dollars a gallon can the 99 cents store still exist? A pair of no name sneakers costs $150 dollars but I can still get a half gallon of baby powder for a buck? It doesn’t add up. Or maybe the product sizes will just get smaller….
CASHIER: Ok...a slice of bologna and a small hand full of Pepperidge farm goldfish crackers…That’ll be One dollar and 98 cents, sir.
QSN: The 99cents stores in Los Angeles are way different than the ones I’ve seen in other cities. In New York for instance, the dollar store will have stuff like faded Dukes of Hazzard Placemats, or broken Joey Lawrence lunch boxes. I write about the LA 99 cents store because it’s a place for real bargains. And they’re even traded on the Stock Market. 99 cents a share :-) And no, they don’t pay me.
QSN: Quick Side Note.
* http://www.99only.com/
At some point though, won’t the 99 cents store have to change its name to the One dollar and 29 cents store? I mean when cars fly, robot computers cook breakfast for you and gas is $8 dollars a gallon can the 99 cents store still exist? A pair of no name sneakers costs $150 dollars but I can still get a half gallon of baby powder for a buck? It doesn’t add up. Or maybe the product sizes will just get smaller….
CASHIER: Ok...a slice of bologna and a small hand full of Pepperidge farm goldfish crackers…That’ll be One dollar and 98 cents, sir.
QSN: The 99cents stores in Los Angeles are way different than the ones I’ve seen in other cities. In New York for instance, the dollar store will have stuff like faded Dukes of Hazzard Placemats, or broken Joey Lawrence lunch boxes. I write about the LA 99 cents store because it’s a place for real bargains. And they’re even traded on the Stock Market. 99 cents a share :-) And no, they don’t pay me.
QSN: Quick Side Note.
* http://www.99only.com/
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I was recently cruising down the 405 in beautiful Los Angeles...rewind…Ok, I was recently in bumper to bumper traffic on the 405 with my windows up to reduce my intake of the infamous LA Smog. I was perusing through my preset radio stations searching for the perfect song to take my mind off my potentially frustrating stagnant state. The batteries in my radio transmitter that plays my mp3 player on an empty radio station were dead. So I was at the mercy of my factory installed 6 preset radio sans CD player, satellite radio or even cassette player for that matter.
Now, I don’t hit a good song and stop. I’m too optimistic/hard to please to have my in-car radio strategy be that simple. I go through all the presets and sample what’s being played. Only after ensuring I know the best song currently playing (with at least a minute of play time left of course) then and only then do I settle in to the best song available and get my groove on.
This can be frustrating to passengers in the car with me but luckily on this day I was alone and in rare preset jump around mode. Then, I came across Soul to Soul’s "Back To Life" and from the beginning at that.
However do you want me….However do you need me...
This song was the perfect ailment to my traffic woes. But you have to play by your own rules, right? What was I to do? Could I really do better that Soul to Soul at this very moment? After, letting the intro play (I’m not a masochist) I decided to let it ride and change the station. I mean it was possible that "Midnight train to Georgia", "Let’s Get It On", "Ain’t No Stopping Us Now" or maybe even some MJ might be playing.
With a press of my index finger I jumped to another preset only to hear Soul to Soul’s Keep on Moving blaring, also from the beginning. I was in a can’t lose and can’t win situation all at once. Either way I would jam out with a bonafide crazy joint* and miss out on a song that was bananas.
In the end I went with "Keep On Moving"…yellow is the color of sunrays.
My system’s not perfect.
*Crazy Joint - a really good song. Usually one that makes you want to move.
Now, I don’t hit a good song and stop. I’m too optimistic/hard to please to have my in-car radio strategy be that simple. I go through all the presets and sample what’s being played. Only after ensuring I know the best song currently playing (with at least a minute of play time left of course) then and only then do I settle in to the best song available and get my groove on.
This can be frustrating to passengers in the car with me but luckily on this day I was alone and in rare preset jump around mode. Then, I came across Soul to Soul’s "Back To Life" and from the beginning at that.
However do you want me….However do you need me...
This song was the perfect ailment to my traffic woes. But you have to play by your own rules, right? What was I to do? Could I really do better that Soul to Soul at this very moment? After, letting the intro play (I’m not a masochist) I decided to let it ride and change the station. I mean it was possible that "Midnight train to Georgia", "Let’s Get It On", "Ain’t No Stopping Us Now" or maybe even some MJ might be playing.
With a press of my index finger I jumped to another preset only to hear Soul to Soul’s Keep on Moving blaring, also from the beginning. I was in a can’t lose and can’t win situation all at once. Either way I would jam out with a bonafide crazy joint* and miss out on a song that was bananas.
In the end I went with "Keep On Moving"…yellow is the color of sunrays.
My system’s not perfect.
*Crazy Joint - a really good song. Usually one that makes you want to move.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Deuces Wild
Most people only ”go” away from home only if they are in a dire situation. I on the other hand prefer “going” away from home. I only need moderate cleanliness and I’m good. And by moderate I mean nothing alive or moving.
I see the downside of not controlling the environment where the deed takes place. For me though the benefits outweigh the danger. You save a gang on TP. You save on water and possible plumbing problems, depending on how you get down. And you delay when you next have to clean up your spot. Plus, you save your home from the toxic avenger (aka - the output from the garbage most of us eat.) If I have Jack in the Box, then spicy Thai food and follow that up with refried beans, I want to find a locale as far away from my home as possible. I don’t shame easily. Plus, you can always leave a public restroom with a look of disgust, blaming it on the guy that came in after you. You just have to make a production of it.
ME: That guy currently in there needs to see a doctor or something. That guy has issues, the one that came in after me, that is. It’s like he had spicy Thai food and washed it down with refried beans! Damn dude have some mercy on the rest of us! You can’t take some people nowhere.
I have done my business in the oddest places. I put my resume up against anyone. A cement outhouse in Afghanistan, A bathroom in a South African precinct, no tp btw (that fluffy rabbit still hasn’t forgiven me J, a squatter in Hong Kong. A ratty LA bar with no stall door where anyone who walked in could see my knees.
People fear public speaking more than death. I wonder where public “going” stands on that list.
I see the downside of not controlling the environment where the deed takes place. For me though the benefits outweigh the danger. You save a gang on TP. You save on water and possible plumbing problems, depending on how you get down. And you delay when you next have to clean up your spot. Plus, you save your home from the toxic avenger (aka - the output from the garbage most of us eat.) If I have Jack in the Box, then spicy Thai food and follow that up with refried beans, I want to find a locale as far away from my home as possible. I don’t shame easily. Plus, you can always leave a public restroom with a look of disgust, blaming it on the guy that came in after you. You just have to make a production of it.
ME: That guy currently in there needs to see a doctor or something. That guy has issues, the one that came in after me, that is. It’s like he had spicy Thai food and washed it down with refried beans! Damn dude have some mercy on the rest of us! You can’t take some people nowhere.
I have done my business in the oddest places. I put my resume up against anyone. A cement outhouse in Afghanistan, A bathroom in a South African precinct, no tp btw (that fluffy rabbit still hasn’t forgiven me J, a squatter in Hong Kong. A ratty LA bar with no stall door where anyone who walked in could see my knees.
People fear public speaking more than death. I wonder where public “going” stands on that list.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Baby Mama Sans Drama
I performed in Salt Lake City, Utah last weekend.* The state is 50% Mormon. You may be familiar with Mormonism from those feel-good, do the right thing, love thy neighbor commercials back in the eighties and nineties…He told the truth..I told the truth…You might also know from just living or from the HBO show Big Love that Mormonism allows for multiple wives. Most Mormons don’t get down like that anymore but there are a few holdovers from back when it was “acceptable.”
This led me to an idea…I know many guys from around my way in Brooklyn who have several Baby Mamas. Seems it would add more credence and dignity to their situation if they started telling people they were Mormon. I’m not trifling, just devoted. People are way more understanding if what you’re doing has a name and a group attached to it. One guy holding a sign and screaming is crazy. A bunch of people, holding a bunch of signs and screaming is protesting.
And if anyone points out that baby mamas aren’t wives, then the guys can say that they’re buffet Mormons. I dabble…
*Big up to Wiseguys Comedy Club
This led me to an idea…I know many guys from around my way in Brooklyn who have several Baby Mamas. Seems it would add more credence and dignity to their situation if they started telling people they were Mormon. I’m not trifling, just devoted. People are way more understanding if what you’re doing has a name and a group attached to it. One guy holding a sign and screaming is crazy. A bunch of people, holding a bunch of signs and screaming is protesting.
And if anyone points out that baby mamas aren’t wives, then the guys can say that they’re buffet Mormons. I dabble…
*Big up to Wiseguys Comedy Club
Monday, January 28, 2008
Chicken Run
Last night I decided to go through the Jack in the Box drive-thru. I really just wanted one $1 chicken sandwich to take the edge off. (just something to hold me over until I got home, where a can of Target Chicken Noodle soup was screaming my name. Yes they sell Chicken Noodle soup at Target and yes there is a Target brand.)
QSN: I’m pretty sure 50 years ago people never envisioned a place where you could buy: a humidifier, guitar strings, a gazebo, frozen turkey legs and an active gortex fleece hoodie all under the same roof. (maybe Macy’s but no food there and the main one in NYC has 9 floors. Target defies the time space continuum by somehow having all that crap on one floor, in most cases)
There was a big Suburban in front of me in the drive-thru line, taking way too long. I thought maybe it was the special order guy. You know the type, it’s Jack in the Box but they think it’s a five star restaurant. Now tell me about your barbecue sauce. Are we talking hickory…*
So my quick chicken run became a test of patience. Luckily, I had Lily Allen’s Smile on repeat on my mp3 player. I finally get to the window and I see the guy in front of me ordered 64 dollars worth of food. This was Sunday at midnight, BTW. When I got to the speaker I ordered 2 $1 chicken sandwiches. Somehow, I felt ridiculous ordering one $1 dollar sandwich after waiting 10 minutes and yet I couldn’t go crazy cause the chicken soup with the bulls eye on it was waiting in the wings.
$64 dollars?! Was it jumbo jack fiesta night down at the local orphanage? I really hope the Suburban was ordering for ten or more people. Even after I got my lowly chicken sandwiches the Suburban was still off to the side doing inventory. I’m pretty sure a spread sheet and price gun was involved.
I should have had a Snicker.
QSN: Quick Side Note
* I ask a lot of questions when I order but that’s mainly in sit down places. I respect the sanctimony of speed and ease that is the drive thru.
QSN: I’m pretty sure 50 years ago people never envisioned a place where you could buy: a humidifier, guitar strings, a gazebo, frozen turkey legs and an active gortex fleece hoodie all under the same roof. (maybe Macy’s but no food there and the main one in NYC has 9 floors. Target defies the time space continuum by somehow having all that crap on one floor, in most cases)
There was a big Suburban in front of me in the drive-thru line, taking way too long. I thought maybe it was the special order guy. You know the type, it’s Jack in the Box but they think it’s a five star restaurant. Now tell me about your barbecue sauce. Are we talking hickory…*
So my quick chicken run became a test of patience. Luckily, I had Lily Allen’s Smile on repeat on my mp3 player. I finally get to the window and I see the guy in front of me ordered 64 dollars worth of food. This was Sunday at midnight, BTW. When I got to the speaker I ordered 2 $1 chicken sandwiches. Somehow, I felt ridiculous ordering one $1 dollar sandwich after waiting 10 minutes and yet I couldn’t go crazy cause the chicken soup with the bulls eye on it was waiting in the wings.
$64 dollars?! Was it jumbo jack fiesta night down at the local orphanage? I really hope the Suburban was ordering for ten or more people. Even after I got my lowly chicken sandwiches the Suburban was still off to the side doing inventory. I’m pretty sure a spread sheet and price gun was involved.
I should have had a Snicker.
QSN: Quick Side Note
* I ask a lot of questions when I order but that’s mainly in sit down places. I respect the sanctimony of speed and ease that is the drive thru.
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