Word to My Trust Fund

I’m walking in New York’s Upper East Side. I pass a bunch of white kids in a circle rapping and beat boxing. In the rap world that’s called a cypher. Now there’s nothing too strange about white kids rapping. But these were like prep school, Abercrombie wearing, trust fund having types. Half of them were girls. They kind of looked like an a capella group gone wild. I think I counted 6 Navy Pea coats and 4 pairs of Dockers. Eminems they were not. You gotta love Hip Hop.

Funny... you’ll never see a bunch of black guys in wife beaters and Du-Rags playing hacky sack.

With This Ring I Thee Dead

A wedding is the ultimate killer of rocky relationships. A couple that attends a wedding can’t help but look at each other and ask “Maybe us?” If the answer is yes, then someone is going to start dropping hints. If the answer is “Hell to the Naw”, then cue the fat lady. Why am I wasting my time with this guy/girl... If I want to assemble my family and have them do the Cha-Cha and Electric Slide, I better find someone who I can meet at the altar.

The saddest part of a break-up:
When both people exhale and calmly talk about all the shit that’s been on their minds in a non-confrontational way. All the shit that had been getting in the way. All the shit that if had been discussed while you were together...you would still be together. Ain’t that a kick in the head. Handle your shit before it handles you.

Air Plain Blues

It’s hard to be original on any airplane topic so this blog entry will just have to fall short on originality. I just got off a plane and once again I was sitting on the side with absolutely no view. I fly into NYC once a month but somehow I see Manhattan from the sky once every 2 years.

Pilot: If you look out on the left side of the airplane you’ll see Jesus and Santa Claus on a sleigh being powered by flying reindeer...well that or the grace of God (chuckle, chuckle)

Pilot: And for those of you on the right side, Dwayne’s side. If you look closely into your window, and don’t breath out too hard, you may be able to see your own reflection.

Hunger for the Arts

I recently went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC. I don’t know why but I always seem to go to museums on a completely empty, haven’t eaten in six hours, stomach. It makes for interesting viewing. It’s hard to focus or enjoy anything because you can hardly stand-up. And forget about reading the little plaques next to the art works. My friend couldn’t understand why I spent 20 minutes looking at a painting of a woman holding a sandwich. She’s all “That’s not even a part of the exhibit! It’s just a sign for the cafeteria.” And I’m all “Let’s check out what fine art they have in the Cafeteria.” The answer, of course, was none and the more devastating news...the cafeteria was closed.

“That guy must really be moved by Van Gogh’s work...look, he fainted!”

Best Gig Ever

I recently did a show with a friend of mine. He set up the gig and I was just happy for the extra change. We get to the gig to find out it’s outside at a fair and they are kids running around all over the place. Doing a stand-up comedy show outside, at a fair with little kids running around is like swimming in pirana infested water with rocks in your trunks. The rides and games were all going on during the show. I had to scream “Thank you! Good Night!!” at the end of my set to let people know I was done and they should stop playing skee-ball for a second and clap.

But I Play one on TV

An old college buddy of mine recently emailed me with an odd admission. A few years back I was in a GE commercial where I played a doctor who goes to Africa with a portable ultrasound machine and helps the natives in need of high tech western medicine. I actually did go to Africa for a week. An amazing experience indeed. It was a touching commercial, 1 minute long and ran during the ‘02 winter Olympics. It seems my buddy from college saw that commercial and thought I was a real doctor. Not happy with his job at that time and inspired by the fact that an old buddy had become a doctor he decided right then to go into medicine and now he’s in med school. Good thing I wasn’t in a commercial for the circus he might be walking the high wire for pennies. I guess GE does bring good things to life.

Boys in the Hood

I was recently doing an IBM photo shoot. Not Bragging that’s just my life. We had a break and I walk out in my IBM business casual attire and see the rapper The Game hanging out right outside of the studio. I gave The Game a slight nod. I didn’t want to come off as a groupie. Sure, he sold 4 million copies of his Album but... I’m doing an IBM photo shoot. My face may be noticeable in next week’s Business Week. Clearly we are peers in this showbiz game.

I call my girlfriend to tell her and just then Tyrese, the singer/actor, pulls up. Some kind of baller convention and I wasn’t invited? Must be an over sight right? But anyway I’m here now where I should be. Platinum recording artists/ Big time movie actors and me Mr. Featured Background player in a photo shoot. My girl says Tyrese is sexy. Didn’t need to hear that. Then she asks what kind of car he’s driving. In my mind I said “Your man drives a Saturn. That’s all you need to worry about!!” but what I actually said was “I think a Bentley” I’m sure driving a hundred thousand dollar car made him a lot less “sexy” in her eyes.

After a few minutes the actor Lorenze Tate pulls up. I’m fighting the good fight trying to not look phased by all the Big Willie-ism surrounding me or by Tyrese wearing on his neck what I made all of last year.

At this point the food lady comes out and offers me a lemon Icee. I accepted without even thinking about it. I mean Luigi Icees are delicious. So the picture is The Game, Tyrese and Lorenze Tate with their respective factions (factions: nice word for posse). Several posse members are passing around a joint. They’re tatted up and have bandanas, wife beaters and Jerzees on. I’m standing not 10 feet away in my IBM business casual uniform eating an Icee. And it was only at that moment that I realized how tubular and phallic the Icee was. I have never felt less cool or less masculine. Good thing the Icee wasn’t rainbow flavored. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Dogtown Poser

I’m walking along Hermosa Beach. Some teenagers skateboard by with battery powered skateboards. Each skateboard motor is attached to a long wire that I’m guessing controls acceleration. A couple is walking in front of me. The guy looks like a thirty something professional (accountant or maybe nurse practitioner.) The women says “Cool! Check out those skateboards” The guy instantly replies “I have one, except mine is wireless” I would bet my lunch money that this guy can’t even skateboard let alone operated a wireless remote supped up board. I just hope that when they got home she asked him to see the skateboard. Lucky for him there weren’t some guys out there break dancing or walking on glass or eating fire. Pretending to be the man can be dangerous...

Second Hand Dance

I dropped off some stuff at Goodwill today. One man’s junk is another man’s junk. Except the second guy pays for it. I usually don’t condone this sort of thing but I think it would be great to steal from the goodwill. Don’t get your pants in a bunch. I’m not saying take from the needy. It’s a two-parter. After you steal it you come back and “donate” it.

Goodwill guy: That’s odd. This is the second pair of leather skinned, leopard color MC Hammer pants we got in this week.

You: That’s weird. You know there were only three of these made in the whole world. What are the odds?! Maybe you should play Lotto tonight...Oh Yeah...Make that Tax deduction form out to...

Where Are My Roots?

Here’s an excerpt from a conversion I recently overheard in a Los Angeles coffee shop. Both women were white.

Women 1: I bet you were Asian-Pacific in your past life
Women 2: Actually I think I was black in my previous life.
Women 1: What makes you say that?
Women 2: People always say I was black in my previous life.

Is this something that comes up often? Always? Has guessing what someone was in a previous life become the new “What’s your sign?” I envy anyone who lives in a city where this conversation would have NOT been normal.

“In my previous life I was a Persian Virgo with a moon rising in Gemini.”
“Oh, that’s why we get along so well!”

Not You Again

I’m riding in my homey Dan’s car. At a red light we look over and see some friends. Now, one kinda cool thing that happens in LA from time to time is that you see people you know in traffic. It’s actually not that random or special but your mind always tells you something cosmic just happened. So we exchange pleasantries and bask in the unlikelihood of our chance encounter. The light turns green and both cars drive off. We proceeded to be right next to them at the next 9 lights. We couldn’t drive 2 blocks without hitting a light. The first 3 lights we looked over and nodded. Remember us from 3 blocks ago. After that it got real awkward and uncomfortable. I would say we bordered on being hostile. We even considered turning to avoid them but we had already told them where we were going. By light number nine we avoided them like a man avoids looking at a mother breast feeding. You try so hard not to look that you draw more attention to the thing than if you would just look. I guess familiarity does breed contempt.

Straight eye for the queer profession

I flew Southwest from LAX to Vegas. Southwest is so low budget the male flight attendant was not gay. He was like some tatted up bald headed guy named Mel who looked like he was on work release. I guess Southwest just isn’t fierce enough.

Smooth Sailing

The other day I changed in my car ( not too uncommon for the actor on the go) and drove off. While driving I felt like pebbles or something in my pant legs. So, I immediately get the itchies. Is it a bug? Are there hundreds of little peebles or bugs on my legs right now. The mind can play tricks on you and once you’ve got the itchies you really have to take off all your clothes and have a scratching and kicking fit before your mind will feel confident that there is indeed nothing on you and then stop sending the body itch signals. So, I’m driving with the itchies. I only needed a red light so I could: stop, pull down my pants, brush emphatically. In the city of Angels I drove 20 minutes without hitting a red light. Red lights kept turning green on my approach. To other drivers it looked like I was dancing and having a good ole time. In actuality the radio was off and I was having an itching fit. For those of you familiar with Los Angeles. I drove from Sherman Oaks to Korea Town, all side streets, without hitting one red light. I know I could have pulled over at any point but I kept thinking the next corner is going to offer the much coveted red light. So if you’re ever late to work put a cup full of fire ants down your pants.

Suction Function

My dentist tells his assistant to put water in my mouth. She puts a tiny hose in my mouth and the stream of water begins to flow. Ten seconds later he tells her to add suction. So she puts a little vacuum tube in my mouth that begins to suck out the water. Well what is it Doc? Does my mouth need to be wet or dry. Or have you not used your toys in a while? So I’m breathing through my nose while I’ve got the conundrum happening in my mouth. I guess the dentist needed more light because he lifted my upper lip. This blocked my nostrils and forced me to play the hit game show that’s sweeping the country...”How long can you hold your breath” Well, at least for a minute and a half thank you very much. Tell him what he’s won Bob.

Don’t Cry...Dry Your Eye

I was on the downtown 6 train in New York City. A couple sat in the 2-seater bench near the end of the subway car. The woman was crying. The man, trying to console her, pulled out a tissue and went to wipe her eyes. Maybe he was heavy handed or maybe the train jerked but he applied way too much pressure and sent her head banging into the subway wall. Ouch! At least he changed what she was crying about.
“I’m crying because I don’t know where my life is heading...(Ka-Thunk)...I’m crying because my head is throbbing”
I’m sure he felt awful about hitting her head so hard. Maybe she tried to console him.
“It’s okay baby... It’s the thought, not the knot on my head, that counts.”

Working on the Train Gang

In a span of 10 minutes 3 different groups of young men came on the Subway in NYC and announced they were selling candy to raise money for their high school. These schools really need better funding. Can we really expect these kids to perform well in school and peddle candy? 1 guy was clearly over twenty five. So, obviously the juggling of school and candy sales has forced the poor guy to have to repeat a grade or two or three. Let’s give more to the schools and take back our children’s time. I mean 2 of the guys didn’t even have time to shave. I can only imagine what their lockers look like.

Adventures in Senior Living

There’s a retirement home in Westwood California whose slogan is “Adventures in Senior Living.” Not to be ageist or anything but what adventures do they have in mind. The mad dash to the Jello table? Senior Macarena night? A denture treasure hunt? I’m not saying seniors aren’t vibrant and viable. Hell, they probably still knock boots. I know I plan on mixing it up with my prosthetic hip when the time comes. But when you say Adventures you just remind everyone that they are not adventures. It’s like calling a fat guy skinny. It doesn’t make him feel better. It just reminds him that he’s such a tub-o-lard that people have to go out of their way to say the complete opposite. Or maybe this senior home is serious and run their seniors through an intensive boot camp. Maybe the seniors at Westwood Horizons are the first to go in.

“We do more before the Early Bird special than most retirees do all day!”

Does the Bus Stop here

As a cool down to a very exhilarating Tae-Bo class (that’s not the joke :-| ), the teacher broke into the Electric Slide. Also known as the Bus Stop. He didn’t really explain it but it was fun watching all the people who didn’t know how to do it fall over themselves. And watching the folks who did know it have so much fun while not helping the others. Okay... it was fun watching the white people completely lost while the Blacks, Latinos and White Girls with braids cut the rug.

It’s Getting Hot in Here

I did a show for a biblical college last week. Keep it clean young man. The show was in a big banquet hall at a country club. The president of the school prayed for the students right before I performed. In the adjacent hall a huge party was going on. So, as the president prayed Nelly’s “Hot in here” was blaring next door. You could barely hear the prayer over the beat and the people screaming. “Wanna pray... but can’t stop foot from taping...” I would have given anything to see the Pastor to break into a freestyle prayer.

“Hot in here” seemed eerily coincidental. Like, hell is only a banquet hall away. “It’s getting hot in here...so repent all your sins...”

Funky Monkey

I went to a bar last week with some friends. As a non-drinker, I always feel a little out of place. Luckily this place had Funky Monkey, my favorite bar video game of all time. What bars don’t make from me on drinks they more then make up for with Funky Monkey. I spent at least 1 hour of the 3 we were there playing Funky Monkey. I just hope they don’t have Funky Monkey at my wedding reception.
“Baby, I love you so much...I could dance with you forever...Listen could you come get me right before we cut the cake. That high score is coming down baby!”