Behind Mind Exercise

They say one of the keys to staying youthful is keeping your mind active. Part of keeping your mind active is learning new things and mixing up your routines so your daily activities take some thought and thus keeps your brain active and involved. Basically you have to avoid a life that’s set on auto-pilot.

To that end, people are encouraged to do things like brush their teeth with their non-dominant hand. All of a sudden something that’s usually second nature has newness to it. Only downside is your teeth may not get as clean but you just started your day more aware and mentally active than normal.

I suggest you take this approach and bump it up a bit. Try "cleaning up" "aisle 2" with your non-dominant hand. I tried it and it’s like learning to walk again. The ramifications of not doing a good job are obviously grave and scary for you and your loved ones. However, you will be exercising muscles, neurons and synapses that have long been dormant. Try it for a few days…at home, of course. You don’t want to be the person holding up the Starbucks bathroom line because you’re “going left.”

Give it a whirl and report back to me. Imagine the possibilities. First switching hands and maybe down the road writing that novel you’ve always wanted to write.

One more thing…save this technique switch for a tame “movement.” If you’re purging from a White Castle run, you might want to stick with what you know.

Hope Floats

I have another entry to add to the list of things that I have done and you have not. :-) If you’re keeping score at home, you can go ahead and add: Snorkeling with Sister Sledge in Turks and Caicos to your score card. Is your face broke? Because, you definitely need to fix it…hehe

I doubled up on flotation devices and wore a body suit and a life vest. I couldn’t go 3 feet under water even if I wanted to. I basically turned myself into a bar of ivory soap. Sinking was not an option. I'm all about floating. Even on airplanes, if the middle seat is open, I always look at the other person and with my eyes tell them "The middle cushion is MY flotation device". I can barely swim and I never seemed to get the floating thing down. I blame bone density and low body fat percentage (holla!). So I had to play it safe. I also think of my mom when I’m in those situations. How distraught would she be if something happened to me while off in a place she can’t pronounce…

MY MOM: You’re going where?! Please be safe down there in Kinkos.
ME: Okay Ma, I will be. You want me to make you some color copies or bind a presentation while I’m there?
MY MOM: What?
ME: Nevermind.

On another note, our guides were all black. Caribbean blokes, who all swam like fish. Another excuse struck from the books. So if you’re keeping score. Blacks can swim and we can be President.

Shout out to Sister Sledge for being so cool and for officially dubbing me the “Greatest Dancer”

And a massive thanks and respect to Baron Vaughn for giving me the gig. I hope to pay it forward one day.

A Friend of Mime

So, I have one more thing to add to the list of things I've done and you haven't. Let's review the list: I've met a monkey, served on the panel to determine Indianapolis' best wings, watched a boxing match with Mickey Rourke (at his house with 3 other guys), ate mystery meat stew made by the locals from a big pot in Afganistan, went to a South African precinct after my friend got punched (long story), had high tea at the Penisula Hotel in Hong Kong, the list goes on...
My latest conquest? I had a conversation with a mime. That's right, a mime in costume with make-up on, spoke to me. I was at a commercial audition and he spoke to me in the bathroom. I think it still counts because he was in costume. After he spoke he gave me a look as if to say..."Doh!"

ME: Too late. You spoke already. Save the trapped in the box routine for someone who hasn't heard your voice...Larry.

People are usually comfortable around me. I'm just easy to approach I guess. Case in point: an elderly Japanese lady, who didn't speak English, came up and asked me for the time...In Little Tokyo!

Maybe I just look like someone who knows what time it is.

Century Club

Did you know that just because you're 100 years old and it's your birthday doesn't mean you necessarily get a shout out from Willard Scott on the Today Show? I was shocked too. I figured, there's not that many people who make it to that milestone so the Today show big up must be a right of century passage. That's not the case. I was watching recently and Willard Scott was doing the Smuckers, old as dirt, role call and several of the people had made several attempts before being chosen. One lady was 104 and on her fourth try she got the nod and the mention on Today. Four times!?! What if this lady was hanging on simply to get her moment of glory? What if she was ready to let go and see all her friends in the sweet hereafter but had to stay alive because the one thing she wanted above all else, to hear Willard Scott utter her name, kept alluding her.

Edith Beckford from Spokane Washington: Everything on my body hurts. I take 40 pills a day. My pills take pills. Why won't Willard Scott say my name so I can rest and see my dear Seymore again?...Apple sauce? Again?!

Reaching 100 should be like pre-schoolers playing soccer....Everybody's a winner. And if the segment has to run long then take some of Roker's minutes. Or lose the weather all together*. The weather is everywhere. At this point, how could you not know the weather? It's on the bottom of screens, on the internet, the radio...I'm sure in a few years the option of having the current weather display in your eyelids will be available.
Let's make room for everybody in the Century Club to get a shout. As long as we don't cut the Los Angeles local weather in the morning on NBC. Elita Loresca can take up as much time as she wants.

* I love me some Al Roker so i'm not suggesting totally cutting out good ole Al.

Yes We Can

Well, I’ve lived to see a black president. Someone cue the flying pig. It’s rare that someone can fully inspire simply by the example they set. President-Elect Barack Obama is truly that person. I’m proud of America for trying something new. The definition of insanity, as defined by Einstein, is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. And why not try that new thing when it’s such a glaring beacon of positivity, tolerance, intelligence and consistent excellence.

This historic victory inspires me not only to believe but also to work harder. They said Barack wasn’t black enough. Then they said he was too black. Readers, I’ve been labeled not black enough. Being from the Coney Island section of Brooklyn that label has always bothered me. Have I not endured enough to get a pass? I hope to not let it bother me anymore. I’m just going to go about my work with conviction and love.

To my black brothers and sisters, we now have license to be great without the worry of not being black enough. And for my black brothers and sisters who think keeping it real means being scary, loud or "hard"…does it? Our great grandparents knew how to act. In fact they had to know how to act. Their safety depended on it. Not everyone can be as articulate as Obama but we can all be our own personal best and care for our fellow man.

Born a minorty?......Not a problem
No dad? .............. Not a problem
Funny Name?..........Not a problem

You can overcome it all through love, hard work and embracing people from all walks of life. I think this can be applied to any endeavor or profession.
And to white supporters and all other non -black supporters. Thanks for the faith you have shown. Like all other social progess in our history it would not be possible without the support and sweat of progressive white folks who choose to be inclusive, even if that means catching flack from friends and family. Doing the right thing even when it doesn't immediately benefit you is the true sign of a just person.

I’ll step down off my soapbox. I'm not sure why I wrote an acceptance speech but it came to my heart and I typed it out. Sorry if a bit of self righteousness oozed out. It's not my normal way. But there's nothing normal about this day. Ice Cube put it best :"Today was a good day."

This momentous occasion has also inspired me to write my manifesto (more on that in the future.) I hope this inspires you to do something you have wanted to do for a while.

Dress for Success

Dress for Success

So there's a comic I know who wears a kilt on stage. I'm not sure if I could pull it off but I was instantly envious of his setup. Los Angeles is hot. The valley is even hotter.* How sweet would it be for me to let my boys breathe a bit? I definitely appreciate it when women wear skirts and dresses. And don't even get me started on sundresses. So I definitely want women to keep this practice up.

But when you think from a function point of view, it's us men who need the freedom a dress or skirt offer more than women do. Other cultures have realized this and made provisions for men, and more importantly for their "boys" to be free of pantalones. The Scotts came up with the whole kilt thing. Middle eastern men wear long thobes**. But the whole point is to free yourself of restriction. But here in the good ole US of A only eccentric millionaires get to enjoy the comfort of unrestricted "boys." A mechanic can't show up to work with a skirt on but a multi-platinum selling artist can walk into a four star restaurant wearing a muumuu*** and get seated instantly. Meanwhile our aforementioned mechanic can no longer get auto parts delivered because the whole car community has blackballed him. Meanwhile the rocker is sending back his lobster because it's not from right part of Maine. Meanwhile... you get my point.

So that leaves me with 3 options. Move to a place wear men can wear "boys" friendly clothes, become a millionaire or, what I will most likely do, keep living under this oppressive "boys" unfriendly regime and keep wearing pants and sometimes shorts.

Shout out to Steve Kimbro****, A black man by the way, for being a trail blazer and wearing skirts in a time when it wasn't ok. Thanks brah! I respect you and we owe you but for the time being...you're on your own!

*San Fernando Valley, widely reffered to as "The Valley" is the northern part of LA county just on the other side of the Hollywood Hills. It's typically 10 degrees hotter than the rest of L.A. on any given day. So take what Al Roker says for L.A. and add ten baby.

** Thobes Long loose traditional dresses sometime worn by Saudi men
http://www.desertstore.com/pages/mensclothing.html

***muumuu - a loose often long dress having bright colors and patterns and adapted from the dresses originally distributed by missionaries to the native women of Hawaii

**** Steve Kimbro. A brother fighting the good fight
http://web.mac.com/stevenekimbrough/iWeb/Steven%20E%20Kimbrough%20-%20Comedian/Steven's%20Comedy%20Bio.html

Hard Come, Easy Go

So my new radio that I recently blogged about is history. It was stolen from my car right in my parking lot. And I don’t even live in a bad neighborhood. At least I thought I didn’t. I think it just reminds us that there are no victimless crimes. Only victims you don’t meet. But if a guy screams “who the @#^$ stole my radio!” in the woods does anyone hear him? I’m not sure but I know he doesn’t hear his radio. The effed up part is that the face plate of the radio was removable but I thought it was cool in my somewhat busy gated parking structure. I’ve taken the face plate off in many situations but like with regular accidents, it’s close to home that you have to worry about.

I spent 5 years rockin’ with my stock radio with no CD, tape or MP3 player and my 6 presets. I finally upgrade a hair just so I can listen to Estelle with no fuzziness and not a month later I get jacked. Maybe the secret to safety is not having anything but I hardly think driving a Saturn Ion, with automatic nothing is flossing. People always rob other people on their level. How many times do you think a Kennedy’s radio got jacked in the last 10 years? If you’re ‘bout it, why not go after some real cake? Robin Hood was a dying breed. And worst of all they took my mp3 player with Lily Allen on it and over a hundred of my comedy shows. So if you hear a car jacker doing my routine, call the cops pronto.

I had a 2GB flash drive in my car that they didn’t notice so a big middle finger and a hardy “nah nah nah nah nah” to the thieves on that one. Here’s the kicker, my original Saturn radio was in the trunk and they didn’t take it (what a slap in the face). So I have the option of plugging that baby back in. Like my new radio was a $200 audio vacation and now I’m back home to the static I’m used to. I guess my new radio was a nice place to visit but apparently I can't live there.

Since when is Gum Illegal?

I recently purchased some delectable Starbucks mint gum. And by delectable I mean overpriced. Saying delectable makes me feel a tad bit better about paying the same for Starbucks gum that I pay for a sandwich at 7-11. Actually neither one is a very good idea…

MY WALLET: You're really buying gourmet gum?! I guess you want me to be empty.
MY STOMACH: A sandwich from 7-11?! I can handle it but I shouldn't have to! I'd rather be empty.

The latest Starbucks gum container looks like a slim cell phone. Which got me to thinking...What if I drove around holding the Starbucks gum case to my ear here in; they just implemented a hands free driving policy, California. And when the cop pulls me over I can show him it was gum all along and say…

DWAYNE: Is there a problem officer? Since when is chewing gum illegal?

Would I still get the ticket? Would the laugh be worth the beating?
If anyone wants to give this a try and report back to me, that would be awesome.

QSN: Why has gum packaging become so fancy? On the plus side it kind of makes me feel like James Bond but it's only so long you can pretend your gum package is a GPS/stun-gun combo. At the end of the day it's just gum. What's next, Lipstick on a pig?

I’ve Gone Hollywood

So I’m sure by now many of my faithful blog readers know I drive a Saturn. You may also know that my car is like a sub base model. It’s like they took a base model as said “It’s just not base enough…base, how low can we go?” How low? The windows are rotator cuff exercisers, the doors locks are manual and don’t speak to each other and my radio is just that a radio. No CD, no tape deck, no mp3 input, just 6 preset station options to go crazy with ( when you think party you have to think of P. Diddy, Dennis Rodman and me…not necessarily in that order) Oh yeah, and it’s a stick shift.

So up until now I’ve always plugged my mp3 player into a small portable radio transmitter that will play in your car on an empty radio station. That worked out as well Terrell Owens did in Philly.

JEOPARDY CONTESTANT: What is “not at all”?
ALEX TREBEK: Correct. We would have also accepted: “horribly” and “Nigga please”

I’m on my fifth one and they all suck, even the digital ones. Especially the digital ones! Because digital is supposed to be code for “doesn’t suck”.

SHOPPER: I don’t think I want a punch in the face
SALESMAN: You sure?,it’s digital?
SHOPPER: Great, I’ll take it!…Is my chin out far enough?
SALESMAN: Perfect. You’re going to be glad you went with the High Def chin check.
.
The transmitters always play with a little static you have to will yourself to ignore. Or, they relinquish station control as the empty station somehow becomes full and never to anything you want to hear. You’re driving enjoying Lily Allen’s “Smile” and suddenly you’re listening to a report on the South African Meerkat. Basically, I haven’t had 30 minutes of continuous problem free Lily Allen listening without gadget fidgeting.

Anyhoo, I broke down and got an aftermarket radio installed in my car today. Et Tu Dwayne? It has an mp3 plug in slot, plays mp3/CD discs and can even take in a USB flash drive. I’m cooking with gas now. I feel like a sell out because the ‘04’ and I were to suppose to go all the way without any upgrades. Are my roughing it days are over? I did the math and all those crappy mp3 transmitters probably cost over 3/4 what my radio cost. Plus, I need to listen to my comedy when I drive. Vanity knows no bounds J

I hope you don’t think less of me. Hey, at least I still get a shoulder workout at every toll booth and parking attendant booth.

I come to bury my stock radio, not praise it…

QSN: Please send questions for my video blog. Got questions? I got fake answers!

QSN = Quick Side Note

Sloppy Copy

A while back my PC crashed. Luckily I was under warranty so it was a nuisance more than it was a tragedy. Anticipating a crash, I decided to just throw some files unto my external hard drive for safe measure. The “time remaining info” on the file copy went berserk. It kept drastically changing as if the computer had something else to do. All of a sudden my computer turned into a sheisty contractor, giving bad estimates and going over budget. At one point my computer said it would take 41,661 days to copy the files.

DWAYNE: Now you look here computer. I’ve copied files before and I know how long it should take.

Since I’m no pushover, the computer agreed to copy the files in 32,611 days instead. But I drive a hard bargain my friends. I got him down to 21,452 days and 19. Great, my files will be copied just in time for me to witness the birth of my great grandchildren.

I think I could copy all the files writing with my left foot quicker than that. Clearly, this was a mistake on my computer’s part and a sign of things to come with that machine. It just seems that the machine would be able to sense how silly and unacceptable that amount of time is, even if accurate, and just say time remaining not available. Plus, if I wait 21,452 days for the files to copy, then that’s on me.

CONCERNED FRIEND: Whatever happened to Dwayne.
FRIEND IN THE KNOW: He went mad waiting for some files to copy. He won’t stop waiting. He lost his family and everything. We tried an intervention but he just kept rocking back and forth saying “Just 19,440 days left”

Hi, I’m a PC…. and I’m Senior Citizen.

Like Looking in a Mirror

Like Looking in a Mirror

I was at an audition for a TV role a while back, sitting calmly in the waiting room hoping the others in the room couldn’t see my vitals skyrocketing as my turn to go into the room neared. Somehow I’m calm when I go in for commercial auditions though. I either don’t care or only care about the process and not the result; as I have a sense that the factors that go into their selection are too many and too elusive to concern myself with. This approach has probably helped me book commercials. I haven’t been able to transfer that calm to movie and TV auditions though. Commercials are the girl I don’t pay much attention to who somehow still thinks I’m rad. And TV and movies is the girl I would cut my pinky toe nail off for but doesn’t like me “that way”.

But I digress. This blog isn’t about my audition woes. No my friends, this tale has a happy ending. Well, not I booked the TV show happy but still, I didn’t leave in a defeated sweat. As I sat in the waiting room, a white lady of maybe 45 walked out from her audition. She walked by me, did a double take and came back to my chair. At this point her actions warranted an explanation and before I could ask she said….

WOMAN: I was adopted and I see you and me have the same nose so you never know maybe we’re related from past relatives or distant cousins.

She was glowing at the possibility. We had a heart felt chuckle and she was on her way. At first I had a tinge of sadness for her, that she has these thoughts always running in her mind because she doesn’t know her real parents. But then I thought, it must me nice to make-up a family in your head, probably way more intriguing than the truth. Besides, maybe she’s right. I do have an odd nose and we’re both actors. Why not stop there though? Maybe our great granddad to the 26th power was Caesar himself. (I’ve been told I have a Roman nose) And props to her for picking me as her fantasy family member. Way to be progressive and non-cliché all at once. As I started to formulate a family tree in my head that could include both me and my long lost cousin I heard….

CASTING LADY: Dwayne? Come in Thanks for coming. Any questions…

If I don’t get picked maybe my “cousin” will.
We weren’t going in for the same role BTW

Crazy is as Crazy Does

Where would my blog be without the 99 cents store and Los Angeles’ and New York’s transient populations? Score this one for the transients.* So, I was at a coffee shop a few days ago and a man was outside mumbling to himself. Did I mention the flowers? Yes he was holding a bushel of flowers. Now when I say mumble, I don’t mean…“did I cut the stove off?” type mumbling. No, I mean a full on conversation with himself albeit indiscernible and inaudible to passersby. So, mumbling in this case is more about my ability to hear him and less about him trying to be discrete.

I stepped outside for a second and he turned his attention toward me. He offered a flower, I think. I couldn’t understand his words but he extended a flower toward me. I of course declined as I don’t trust flowers from unknown sources.

QSN: Every Since I saw The Invasion of the Body Snatchers movie I never sniff or handle flowers from disreputable suppliers. (You see, in that movie the body snatchers entered the body through flowers. A person would sniff the flowers and next thing you know a monster is popping out their stomach screaming “What you talkin’ about Willis?!”)

Besides my reluctance to handle flowers, I also could not understand a word this man spoke. But his tone seemed friendly and heartfelt. I couldn’t tell if he was talking gibberish (or, to be fair, his own made up language. I mean Elfin isn’t gibberish after all) or an actual language spoken in another country.

Maybe he was part of a crazy transient exchange program, like a semester outside abroad. Maybe there’s an English speaking transient in Prague right now sharing his theory on cardboard’s plan to take over the world to a Czech, not understanding but nodding politely while writing a blog about it.

*Transient – Politically correct way of saying homeless. Or perhaps a less guilt ridden way of saying homeless.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homelessness

**Invasion Of the Body Snatchers
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077745/synopsis

QSN – Quick Side Note

Video Blog 5/Comedians on Call

Comedians on Call from backstage at Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

Video Blog 5/ Comedians on Call

Dwayne Perkins Video Blog 4

Dwayne Perkins Video Blog 3

Comedians on Call 3 with help from Butch Bradley and Dan Gabriel. Live from Okinawa. Enjoy!

George Carlin

We lost George Carlin earlier this week. For those of you not familiar with his work, I urge you to check out his great legacy of stand-up and writing. Before I even became a comic or knew I wanted to or could be a stand-up, George Carlin blew my mind and offered new ways of thinking and being. George Carlin was and will always be what so many profess to be but aren’t, an artist and person whose life, art and words were always consistent, fair and true; even if they weren’t popular or soothing. His points were always reflective of how he felt and never just what people wanted to hear. And he did it all with insanely efficient razor sharp wit, mad passion and massive charm. In this day and age so much art is designed using reverse engineering and marketing plans and people make hollow points to people they know already agree with them. We should all learn from the example he set. He spoke truth and let that alone be his reward.

He also never tried to pass on gratuitousness as provocative-ness. I see so many comics feigning anger or making obvious points with attitude and smugness that would suggest their taking risks or pushing the envelope but their only standing in place loudly. It’s not my goal to expose comics but more to shine the light on Carlin’s greatness. He paved the way for the rest of us to talk about whatever we want and to be brazen and fearless. George Carlin will always be my personal favorite and the world of comedy rests on his tiny shoulders.

We can’t all be Carlin but we can all be true to ourselves and use our mental faculties to question things, ultimately enriching our lives and mankind as a whole.

I had the pleasure of meeting George Carlin. He was kind and friendly and true to the words he spoke on stage.

Thank you Mr. Carlin, there will never be another like you but I for one will forever be inspired by your radiance. We will miss you.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

This is sort of the flip side of a blog I wrote a while back. I went to a Yankee game yesterday (BX Stand up), picture perfect day to catch a ball game (74 and partly cloudy.) Luckily, the Yankees won and I was with one of my laid back homies. What ended pretty well had actually started out quite stressful.

I was running a little late. Not late for the game but late for our meeting time. We wanted to meet 2 hours before the game started because it was cap day at Yankee Stadium. But only the 1st 15 thousand get a cap. Mind you, Yankee stadium holds well over 50 thousand people. I’m typically not a get somewhere 2 hours ahead of time kind of guy. But, I wanted a hat and definitely didn’t want to prevent my buddy from getting a hat. My reason for running late? I tried to sneak in a quick Tae Bo On-Demand session in the morning to “earn” the right to pig out at the game.

So, bad judgment call notwithstanding I run up to the gate to meet my friend with plenty of time to get a hat and chill out before the game started. But, instead of just checking my bag the people at the gate make me go across the street and check my bag in at some random after game pub. There’s some weird no bag policy at Yankee stadium that I still don’t understand as I counted at least 30 bags once I got in. Seems like some racket to help the fledging bag check company across the street.

I try to plea my case but it feels almost like airport security. Like, if I kept protesting, I would’ve been rewarded with a cavity search. And not the kind dentists give you. But they let purses in and certain kinds of bags in. Not like you could ever conceal a weapon in a purse. Or put stolen items in a purse for that matter. Get real Yankee stadium. There’s no way you can handle 30 thousand bags being checked which, to me, indicates that only some are checked thus making the whole thing extremely silly and suspect. In a non driving city like New York sometimes you have to bring all your stuff for the day with you: book, jacket, umbrella, fig newtons etc. So basically my book bag is a socially acceptable man purse. And, since they were letting purses in. I should have been allowed to enter with my…ahem…book bag. Or I could have just bought a purse and risked even greater scrutiny from the New Yorkers.

NEW YORK DUDE: Hey get a load of twinkle toes with the purse over there. Hey, Rupaul, where’s the drag show…

I think not. I run across the street check the bag and run back into the stadium, only to be 5th in line when they ran out of free hats. Keep it together.

Fine, I rarely wear baseball hats anyway, time to enjoy the game get a hot dog and root the pinstripes. I wait in line for 15 minutes to get a hot dog and soda only to be told the hot dogs are not ready. Not ready?! Did you guys not know there was a game today? An hour before the game and they’re not ready. That’s all you have to say? Its one thing to have your quiche in the oven as dinner guests arrive but it’s a travesty to not have hot dogs ready to go for 40 thousand crazed fans that were overcharged and hatless. So I grabbed an ice cream, reversing the order I had in mind.

QSN: Can we stop calling those ice cream dipping dots* the ice cream of the future and just call them the ice cream of today. They’ve been the ice cream of the future for about 15 years now. The jig is up.

Come on Yankees; don’t force me into going to only small market and minor league games. In the end my friend did get a hat, the Yankees won and I look better without a hat anyway.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game
Take 50 bucks for nose bleed seats
Make me check my book bag ‘cross the street
Wait in long line for dogs not ready to eat
Root, Root, Root for the home team
They better win cause I’m damn near bankrupt

Well, it’s 1,2,3 strikes –
Uh hell no! I paid too much to be up in this piece. My beer is warm and I took out a 2nd mortgage for these cold ass chicken fingers. I better see some home runs. I better see the skin ripped off the ball-

At the old ball game

* http://www.dippindots.com/company/

Casing Your Every Move

I ran into an ex neighbor of mine in Starbucks. He shared with me the joys and pains of home ownership. Then we ran the gamut of all the perfunctory small talk and right on unspoken cue he got up to leave, slipping me his business card as he rose. I guess just in case we needed to pick up our weather conversation at a later date. After all, our discourse hadn’t touched upon humidity or barometric pressure.

I actually had no idea what he did for a living. Turns out, he’s a private investigator. His card says “Private Investigator” and he’s not kidding. Very cool. I actually had a parking spot adjacent to a Private Eye, a real life Gumshoe. This is the makings of an action movie trailer……

In a world where the line between good guys and bad guys was blurred…one man set off on his own to re-draw the line. Make the line more distinct…kinda like pro wrestling in the 80’s….anyway… To make the world a better place, he gave up his badge and became….Dwayne’s neighbor- the private eye.

On top of it all, he’s a brother. Wow a black private eye, super hero must be right around the corner. I better get fitted for my tights.

Dwayne Perkins Video Blog 2

Comedians on Call 2. Dwayne on Fame

Comedian on Call...My 1st Video Blog

http://youtube.com/watch?v=xiNXVW9_fe0

A Place for Everything & Everything in It’s Place

Whenever I try to clean my room my bed becomes a holding bay for all the items and paperwork without a home. After everything else is fairly straighten up I'm usually left with a bed full of knick knacks that I don't want to throw away yet have no place to put. Sometimes I just leave them on the bed…indefinitely. Good thing I have a Full size bed. I basically have 2 adjacent twin size beds. Like a 60's sitcom husband and wife. Except, my wife is a PBS programming guide some mango insence I bought in Hawaii 3 years ago but never burned.

QSN:I actually have never burned insence. Why would I ever buy insence? It's just like that Kente clothe vest I copped back in 93. I had to know somewhere deep inside that I would never wear it. Did I think I would get invited to an NAACP African themed awards show?

Tidying up is cool but what I really need is a complete make over. When I do upgrade my stuff, it's going be hard to know where to start. I actually started already though. Your boy got himself a flat screen. Not sure if I really need a 32" LCD High Def TV to watch Seinfeld and Kramer re-runs but what the heck. But now the TV looks like it showed up to the wrong party. Like a guy in a tux who shows up at a Hawaiian shirt kegger. Because of the TV I had to get a nice stand to put it on. But now my nightstand has to go. It's bringing down the property value. And that cardboard box can no longer double as a desk. This TV is sure costing me a lot of money.

Maybe I could get one of those TV shows to come and fix up my place. Although, I don't think my story is compelling enough. Maybe they'll come once they hear my latest announcement.

***I'M STARTING A VIDEO BLOG****

That's right! Hence the room clean. Although, I may be reporting live from my bathroom or living room. Any whoo. I figure I would take questions from the masses. And by massed I mean 20 people who read my blog and each week answer one of them via video. The questions can be about anything: relationships, economics, politics, sports… you get the picture. So please email or Myspace me with your questions.
Here goes nothing….

QSN: Quick Side Note

What I Really Want to Know Is…

So there’s this guy on the Today show last week with an incredible memory.* He remembers everything in his life from age 11 on, and he’s probably in his late forties. He remembers the time, date and day of every event in his life. He also can tell you things like what day of the week it will be when he turns seventy-five. He knows all the upcoming leap years and lunar eclipses. All this without any thought.

A guy with this kind of mind must work for NASA or teach at MIT right? But when Matt Lauder asks memory Man what he does for a living, he says he’s between jobs. I know slackers with negative motivation who don’t go a week without landing a gig. Why didn’t memory man lie? Say you’re a consultant. Say you’re working on a project. Say you’re a freelancer. Heck, Say you’re an actor or a comedian. But please don’t be on national TV touting your mental prowess and follow it up by saying you’re unemployed.

He should just rent himself out for Trivial Pursuit or those trivia games in the bars. I would pay him to feed me answers into an earpiece.

MY FRIEND1: Why is Dwayne betting on Trivial Pursuit?
MYFRIEND2: So unlike Dwayne but I’m gonna take his money because how much could he possibly know about Australian Aborigine culture?
DWAYNE: I believe the answer is Corroboree. Pay up!!... What?...Nothing’s in my ear. Ok…game over…time for you guys to leave.

I just hope this guy’s connection with his past hasn’t robbed him of his future…or present for that matter.

*Memory Man Rick Baron
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-05-12-super-memory_n.htm

Oh My Stars

I am writing this blog from my hotel room in Dubai. You know what it is. Anyway, it's a beautiful place and my hotel room over looks the beach and another hotel called the Burj Al Arab. It's supposedly the world's only 7 star hotel. Mind you, I think five stars is the highest they go. I'm not sure what they did/do to skip 6 and go straight to 7 stars. I mean my hotel is probably 4 or 5 stars and I can barely do anything myself. They're accomodating to the point of annoyance.

Ultimately, there's got to be diminishing returns on these stars. One, I can only imagine how much a 7 star hotel costs. (i'm not paying for my room btw. You know what it is:-) Two, the more stars you have the closer you get to not being alive or maybe being an infant. At 10 stars someone baths you and puts a diaper on you. At 11, they chew your food for you then transfer it to your mouth. 14 stars you get pushed around on a gurney all day. I mean there's luxury and then there's high cost butt kissing.

I never even understood turn down service. They come in your room, leave a chocolate and crease the corner of your bed spread. Ohhh, that's how you get inside the sheets. All this time at home I've been sleeping on top of the comforter with a jacket on. Turn down service is like having a person just dedicated to keeping your bookmark. Ahh, I'm done with my reading tonight. Belvedere, you mind making a crease on page 216?

Turn down service is just an excuse for them to come check your mini bar. How about they make the mini bar reasonable and they won't have to pay someone to spy on you every night. The money they lose on the 600% mark-ups they would make back on not paying the nightly chocolate spy.Maybe I would be singing a different tune if I was sitting on a heated toilet seat or had a bed that smells of Apple Blossoms and makes you have happy dreams. Maybe.

QSN:Shout out to all the great people in Dubai and all their help and kindess. Especially my driver who helped get find a power plug for my laptop.

QSN:The picture was taken from my room's balcony. Don't be hatin'.

QSN -Quick Side Note

Jane, Stop This Crazy Thing

Earlier this year, I was at my local gym on a gorgeous Los Angeles day. This was the kind of day you call your friends and family back east and brag about.

LA BRAGGER: You shoveled snow today? That’s too bad. It’s picture perfect here. I’m in shorts and a tank top and a butterfly landed on my hand just as 8 supermodels came up and asked me for directions. They thought the butterfly was sooo cute...or was that me they said was cute? I can’t remember but I’m hanging with them later so I’ll ask them then….Did I mention the smell of Lilac wafting through the air?

The weather is Los Angeles’ ace in the hole. It’s the one thing that almost offsets the traffic, earthquakes, mudslides, fires and flakes.

I completed my light-weight but high rep circuit training and was about to leave and soak up some LA rays. On my way out I noticed a long line for the treadmills. On a picture perfect day people were waiting in line to run in place. When I say perfect, I don’t mean hot. I mean perfect, 72 and sunny with a warm breeze. These people are akin to the mice that won’t leave their cage even when it’s open.

I didn’t even have a gym membership my first 5 years in LA. I only got one to get my light-weight pump on when I’m on the road.

These are the same people who go to a gallery to look at pictures of the landscape they just drove through to get to the gallery.

Please, no comments about impact on the knees. So Cal has more parks than you can shake a Red Vine at.

At least George Jetson had the whole no atmosphere excuse for his treadmill escapades. *

*Pic of George Jetson on the treadmill:
http://www.animationusa.com/picts/hbpict/hp02/2_Jane-Stop.jpg

Pretty Crazy in Pink

You can file this under “Only in LA.” I recently saw a woman wearing all pink at a commercial audition. (We weren’t going in for the same thing) Everything was pink: her outfit, accessories and even her dog. Yes, she had a Pink dog. My uncanny ability to ease drop on nearby conversations was not well served. With no headphones or way to stop my brain and ears from teaming up, I was at their mercy to capture then process the Lady in Pink’s conversation. Without a hint of irony Ms Pink told another lady waiting that she dyes her dog with Beet juice once a month to achieve the Pink coat.

The really sad part: the other woman was intrigued and I’m pretty sure was making a mental note of the beet brew. So Ms Pink is spreading her gospel. I guess I’m spreading her gospel too. I trust none of my readers are going to use this beet juice knowledge for evil.

This is a clear case of style gone wild. There’s simply not enough hugging in this world. Please hug someone today. You might save a dog from a beet juice baptism and a doggie sweater. Now you know why the dog is Man’s best friend.

QSN: The dog was a poodle. But you knew that. I wrote a blog about beets a while back. It’s actually good to see someone find some use for beets, aka the most disgusting food known to man. **

**Blog Warp to my previous post on beets.

Trans Trucker

Last week I saw a guy in Starbucks in LA, a normal trucker looking guy with a beard, gray shirt and jeans on. What’s so odd about that you ask? Well, on top of what I already described this guy also had on a long brown wig and he had boobs. Is he butch or just the laziest transvestite in the history of men dressing fabulous? Other than the boobs and wig he was as normal and guy acting as a guy can be. It was like The Cable guy meets Rupaul. At one point he asked someone to watch his laptop while he went to the restroom, but without a hint of acknowledging his freakish appearance. He seemed oblivious to the fact that he had boobs. He even had a deep man voice he wasn’t trying to hide. There was nothing feminine about him other than, well…the boobage and wig. I felt like telling him he had boobs the same way you tell a friend they’ve got mustard on their cheek.

ME: Dude you got a little boob stuff going on right there….No, it’s still there…to the left...here just let me get it…

The best part of living in LA and being from New York...not only did people not care they didn’t even acknowledge him. Trucker guy with boobs? Outstanding. Now back to my Rooibos tea.

Now contrast this guy with the things that make you self conscious. Not even close.

99 problems But Inflation Ain’t One…Hit Me!

My friend recently called me up in arms saying that the 99cents* store had gone up in price. Turns out what my friend the alarmist was referring to was a few items that used to be 2 for a $.99 now cost 59 cents each. I didn’t have the heart or energy to point out to my friend that 59 cents is less than 99 cents. No, he can take that up with his 2nd grade teacher.

At some point though, won’t the 99 cents store have to change its name to the One dollar and 29 cents store? I mean when cars fly, robot computers cook breakfast for you and gas is $8 dollars a gallon can the 99 cents store still exist? A pair of no name sneakers costs $150 dollars but I can still get a half gallon of baby powder for a buck? It doesn’t add up. Or maybe the product sizes will just get smaller….

CASHIER: Ok...a slice of bologna and a small hand full of Pepperidge farm goldfish crackers…That’ll be One dollar and 98 cents, sir.

QSN: The 99cents stores in Los Angeles are way different than the ones I’ve seen in other cities. In New York for instance, the dollar store will have stuff like faded Dukes of Hazzard Placemats, or broken Joey Lawrence lunch boxes. I write about the LA 99 cents store because it’s a place for real bargains. And they’re even traded on the Stock Market. 99 cents a share :-) And no, they don’t pay me.

QSN: Quick Side Note.

* http://www.99only.com/

I was recently cruising down the 405 in beautiful Los Angeles...rewind…Ok, I was recently in bumper to bumper traffic on the 405 with my windows up to reduce my intake of the infamous LA Smog. I was perusing through my preset radio stations searching for the perfect song to take my mind off my potentially frustrating stagnant state. The batteries in my radio transmitter that plays my mp3 player on an empty radio station were dead. So I was at the mercy of my factory installed 6 preset radio sans CD player, satellite radio or even cassette player for that matter.

Now, I don’t hit a good song and stop. I’m too optimistic/hard to please to have my in-car radio strategy be that simple. I go through all the presets and sample what’s being played. Only after ensuring I know the best song currently playing (with at least a minute of play time left of course) then and only then do I settle in to the best song available and get my groove on.

This can be frustrating to passengers in the car with me but luckily on this day I was alone and in rare preset jump around mode. Then, I came across Soul to Soul’s "Back To Life" and from the beginning at that.
However do you want me….However do you need me...

This song was the perfect ailment to my traffic woes. But you have to play by your own rules, right? What was I to do? Could I really do better that Soul to Soul at this very moment? After, letting the intro play (I’m not a masochist) I decided to let it ride and change the station. I mean it was possible that "Midnight train to Georgia", "Let’s Get It On", "Ain’t No Stopping Us Now" or maybe even some MJ might be playing.

With a press of my index finger I jumped to another preset only to hear Soul to Soul’s Keep on Moving blaring, also from the beginning. I was in a can’t lose and can’t win situation all at once. Either way I would jam out with a bonafide crazy joint* and miss out on a song that was bananas.

In the end I went with "Keep On Moving"…yellow is the color of sunrays.

My system’s not perfect.

*Crazy Joint - a really good song. Usually one that makes you want to move.

Deuces Wild

Most people only ”go” away from home only if they are in a dire situation. I on the other hand prefer “going” away from home. I only need moderate cleanliness and I’m good. And by moderate I mean nothing alive or moving.

I see the downside of not controlling the environment where the deed takes place. For me though the benefits outweigh the danger. You save a gang on TP. You save on water and possible plumbing problems, depending on how you get down. And you delay when you next have to clean up your spot. Plus, you save your home from the toxic avenger (aka - the output from the garbage most of us eat.) If I have Jack in the Box, then spicy Thai food and follow that up with refried beans, I want to find a locale as far away from my home as possible. I don’t shame easily. Plus, you can always leave a public restroom with a look of disgust, blaming it on the guy that came in after you. You just have to make a production of it.

ME: That guy currently in there needs to see a doctor or something. That guy has issues, the one that came in after me, that is. It’s like he had spicy Thai food and washed it down with refried beans! Damn dude have some mercy on the rest of us! You can’t take some people nowhere.

I have done my business in the oddest places. I put my resume up against anyone. A cement outhouse in Afghanistan, A bathroom in a South African precinct, no tp btw (that fluffy rabbit still hasn’t forgiven me J, a squatter in Hong Kong. A ratty LA bar with no stall door where anyone who walked in could see my knees.

People fear public speaking more than death. I wonder where public “going” stands on that list.

Baby Mama Sans Drama

I performed in Salt Lake City, Utah last weekend.* The state is 50% Mormon. You may be familiar with Mormonism from those feel-good, do the right thing, love thy neighbor commercials back in the eighties and nineties…He told the truth..I told the truth…You might also know from just living or from the HBO show Big Love that Mormonism allows for multiple wives. Most Mormons don’t get down like that anymore but there are a few holdovers from back when it was “acceptable.”

This led me to an idea…I know many guys from around my way in Brooklyn who have several Baby Mamas. Seems it would add more credence and dignity to their situation if they started telling people they were Mormon. I’m not trifling, just devoted. People are way more understanding if what you’re doing has a name and a group attached to it. One guy holding a sign and screaming is crazy. A bunch of people, holding a bunch of signs and screaming is protesting.

And if anyone points out that baby mamas aren’t wives, then the guys can say that they’re buffet Mormons. I dabble…

*Big up to Wiseguys Comedy Club

Chicken Run

Last night I decided to go through the Jack in the Box drive-thru. I really just wanted one $1 chicken sandwich to take the edge off. (just something to hold me over until I got home, where a can of Target Chicken Noodle soup was screaming my name. Yes they sell Chicken Noodle soup at Target and yes there is a Target brand.)

QSN: I’m pretty sure 50 years ago people never envisioned a place where you could buy: a humidifier, guitar strings, a gazebo, frozen turkey legs and an active gortex fleece hoodie all under the same roof. (maybe Macy’s but no food there and the main one in NYC has 9 floors. Target defies the time space continuum by somehow having all that crap on one floor, in most cases)

There was a big Suburban in front of me in the drive-thru line, taking way too long. I thought maybe it was the special order guy. You know the type, it’s Jack in the Box but they think it’s a five star restaurant. Now tell me about your barbecue sauce. Are we talking hickory…*

So my quick chicken run became a test of patience. Luckily, I had Lily Allen’s Smile on repeat on my mp3 player. I finally get to the window and I see the guy in front of me ordered 64 dollars worth of food. This was Sunday at midnight, BTW. When I got to the speaker I ordered 2 $1 chicken sandwiches. Somehow, I felt ridiculous ordering one $1 dollar sandwich after waiting 10 minutes and yet I couldn’t go crazy cause the chicken soup with the bulls eye on it was waiting in the wings.

$64 dollars?! Was it jumbo jack fiesta night down at the local orphanage? I really hope the Suburban was ordering for ten or more people. Even after I got my lowly chicken sandwiches the Suburban was still off to the side doing inventory. I’m pretty sure a spread sheet and price gun was involved.

I should have had a Snicker.

QSN: Quick Side Note
* I ask a lot of questions when I order but that’s mainly in sit down places. I respect the sanctimony of speed and ease that is the drive thru.

Enough With The Up Sell

I think I’m going to get some shirts made up that say “DON’T UP SELL ME” on the front in bold letters. It would save me a lot of time during the day. No matter what you’re buying they are always trying to sell you a more, shall I say, “premium” deal. Just rifle through my pockets and get it over with.

Wanna go large...For only 3 more dollars a day you could…Wanna try our deluxe…We also offer…before you hang up, wanna join our gold protection...that one is ok but to really enjoy HD…Oh that button doesn’t work with your plan, but to activate it…

I’m sure that if you hired Dr Kevorkian* to kill you, right before he did he would say…

DR KEVORKIAN: You know for an additional hundred I can make this euthanasia even quicker and even less painful. You’ll take it?...Great! Now for an additional grand I can cure you and eliminate the need to kill you. It’s only a grand more!

If the latter service they try to pawn off on you is so great and the former so not and strictly for losers then the question becomes…why do they even have the former. So the thing you already sold me is trash?

The other problem with all this up selling is that it makes the lines go that much slower. I just want the base model but now I have to stand there for 12 minutes while a hard of earring 80 year old women toys with the idea of getting satellite radio, road side assistance and a sunroof on her mercury Topaz car rental.

No place is this more prevalent that the Post Office-----àWARP BLOG***

At least Vegas works in reverse. They down sell you until you have nothing but your shattered dreams left. In Vegas there’s nickel and penny slots in the airport. It’s like they’re saying…why even bother taking that nickel home. Come on, fork it over. Would you leave a swig of Kool Aid in the container? No you would finish it off. Give it here.

*Kevorkian – Doctor who assisted terminally ill people commit suicide
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Kevorkian

*** A new thing I do when a blog inspires another blog. It’s for when a Quick Side Note takes on a life all its own….Or am I trying to up sell you to read another free blog? Look for this blog’s WARP in a day or two.

You May Not Have a Car at All…

But remember brothers and sisters you can still stand tall.*
There’s so much to be thankful for, even if you don’t get down with the silly Pilgrim/Indian angle.

PILGRIM: Enjoy your Turkey Chief Running Out Of Time…It might be your last.

Still though, minus the Turkey and marketing slant, there’s much to be thankful for. I’m thankful for all you folks who read my blog and for all the people you have told and are going to tell others about my blog (hint hint) . Thanks for having a meeting of the minds with me in cyberspace. And thanks for the comments. I read them and they crack me up.

Two people are popping into my head a lot today on this Thanksgiving eve.

Lawrence Lee**, who drove me to work and back everyday for over a month when I didn’t have a car. And I wasn’t on his way. He lived close to work but drove almost a ½ hour out of the way to get me and took me back at night. Lawrence and I were strangers prior to me working for the company.

The 2nd person on my mind and heart is Carrie Caldwell. My aunt Carrie, on consecutive Easters bought me a new suit to wear even thought she had five kids of her own to pimp out. Back in those days, you had to have new wares on Easter or you were completely not gelin’. I’m not sure if I could have prevailed over the deep scars not being fresh two Easters in a row would have caused. Crisis averted.

It’s hard to pay back people like this who have been so giving and kind to you. My only hope is that I will pay it forward. I’ll never forget and I’ll be forever humbled by your acts of goodness.

* Lyric from an old R&B song by William DeVaughn about being thankful. Most people know the “Diamond in the Back, Sunroof top… refrain used time and again by rappers who usually change the meaning of the original song.

http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/becool/bethankfulforwhatyougot.htm
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pELWVvg8bB8

**If you’re reading this and know Lawrence please tell him to shout me out.

It’s Just an Illusion

I don’t want to hear any Los Angeles city official say they don’t have money for schools when they have clearly spent millions installing holograms above every freeway overpass. This is why you look up at the freeway and see traffic moving smoothly then you hop on and it’s at a dead stand still. That sequence of moving traffic is a repeating hologram. Could traffic really have gone that sour in the time it took you to go up the 1/8 mile on-ramp? And where is that rainbow Prius you just saw with kids inside singing with glee and the Mother in the passenger seat on the bongos? I’m on to their game. If these holograms weren’t in place then the streets, as well as the freeways, would be at a stand still. Maybe they’re necessary but I can’t dance this dance anymore. When in doubt, I take the mean LA streets.

Where’s Fall

It's October 22 in New York City and Non-White people are wearing shorts. When will it be okay for Al Gore to say "I told you so"? New Yorkers seem to love the unseasonably warm weather. Even though if Global Warming keeps up at this pace science fiction tells us New Jersey will become New York. At least then the Giants and Jets will be named correctly.(Both these New York teams technically play in New Jersey.) The subways still have the AC running. It's like Indian summer but not Native American we want Manhattan back. No, more like New Delhi Indian summer.

Of course, now that I wrote this, it will probably snow 12 inches next week.

Ashy to Classy

I walked past 2 seemingly homeless guys today in Hollywood. I say seemingly so as not to assume. They were sitting & lying on the concrete and seemed to have all their worldly possessions in a nearby heap. So, safe to say they were homeless or at least behaving in a homeless like manner. Sitting on the concrete was a dead give away even without the other clues. People with home’s don’t sit on concrete unless there’s some Spice Girl Tickets up for grab, or a Last Comic Standing audition near by. I didn’t get a tooth count but I would bet my future house that neither one had all 32. They had their wits about them enough to know I had just left an audition. One asked me how it went and when would I know if I got it or not. Only in Hollywood will a homeless person’s first question be how your audition went. Or maybe my friendly transient was channeling my mother. He certainly did a top notch job of expressing her usual post audition sentiments. All I needed to hear him say was “ Baby, you should do a McDonald’s Commercial!” and I would have said …”Ma? Is that you in there?”

Then the younger transient complimented my blazer and shirt. He asked me if my shirt was Ralph Lauren and said he used to have one just like it. He said it was a quality cut. I told him my shirt was not Ralph Lauren but it was custom made. So you see how he was in the right ballpark. Now, before you accuse me of going soft, I got the shirt made in Korea where a custom made shirt is still probably less than a off the rack shirt from say Banana Republic.

I instantly changed my opinion of him. Sure he was still homeless but this guy use to live a different life, a life of culture and class. And although in this current state of despair he still had an appreciation of the finer things. Pretty amazing what a well placed compliment can do. I gave him a buck. Honestly I can’t remember whether it was before or after the barrage of compliments.

Who You Gonna Call?

I recently had a very small role in an independent pilot. The goal with these things is to shoot your own pilot and try to get a network to buy it after the fact. You wouldn't believe the caliber of talent you can sometimes get to do these things. It would be like going to a pick up basketball game and seeing Michael Jordan there. Jordan loves playing b-ball so it makes sense he would jump in on a street game from time to time.

On this production, they were able to get Ray Parker Junior to co-star. Ray Parker Junior wrote and sang the Ghostbusters Movie theme song. He was uber cool. And best of all he still loves the Ghostbusters song. You can say "Who you gonna call?!" and he will say "Ghostbusters!" That's cool. It's probably incredibly old for him but he won't deny you your fun…A true gentleman. Jimmy Walker won't say DYN-O-MITE! Henry Winkler would rather not say Ehhhhhh! Now all I need to hear is that Shucky Ducky won't say Quack Quack.

These catch phrases mean so much more to us. They conjure up memories of times long gone. We can never go back to grade school but we can say "What you talkin' about Willis?!" Where were you when you first heard "I'm Rick James Bitch!"?

Why the Peanut costumes? Long Story. Let's hope the pilot gets picked up so you can see why.

Toe Sucking

Today I saw a baby, maybe 2 years old, sitting in a stroller sucking her own foot. Ah, youth and flexibility. What most of us wouldn’t give to be able to suck our own toes again. Not that we would. Have you seen your feet lately? (skip the mani and get a double pedi :-) ) But to be able to nosh on your toes would be neat, even if your toes aren’t. The last time I remember being able to partake of my own toes was in high school. Even then I was putting my spinal cord in double jeopardy (I’ll take stupid things High School boys do for 800, Alex). And no one wants to be the person who died trying to suck their own feet. For me though, it would be a cool way to ensure that even my funeral is funny.

Permission to Shoot

The proliferation of home movies on sites like Youtube and Myspace has brought us to one irrefutable conclusion: People should be required to get a permit before they buy a video camera. You need one to shoot bullets you should also need one to avoid shooting crappy shorts. What makes a person think the rest of the world really wants to see them in their living room doing the Chicken Noodle Soup Dance completely wrong. (Not that a perfect rendition of the CNS is something the world needs to see either.) Ok … fine you got me… it’s actually hours of enjoyment. But you’re never getting that time back.

Flip Side:
At least people are trying to put out original, albeit God awful, content. I’ll take the CNS Dance over someone getting hit in the groin, or a cat dressed in a sweater on America’s “Funniest” Home Videos any day. Maybe people sent in the CNS dance, or the nineties equivalent, to AFHV but they screened out everything but good ole “funny” groin mutilation.

Maybe all these Chicken Noodle Soup dancers should get hit in the groin at the end of their clips. Comedy Gold!

I can’t wait until some wife files for divorce citing Youtube or myspace as the reason why.

WIFE: You don’t need to network! You got me right here! Why don’t you have someone

from your top 8 make you dinner?!

Red Carpet

I recently boarded a United Airlines plane in New York. I heard the lady at the gate announce that First and Business Class could board first via the red carpet on the left. Did I hear her right? I went in for a closer look and sure enough there was little red carpet laid down. It was basically like a red throw rug. (a 2ft by 3ft red carpet)

What has the world come to? Do the people in first class really need their ego stroked even as they board ahead of everyone else? I know they pay a lot more and for that they get to sit and gloat with a beverage in hand as the plebs struggle down the aisle only to get crammed in like veal. If someone from coach walks over the red carpet when they board will they get in trouble? What if there’s a gate with no red carpet? Does the flight have to be delayed until United can find a red carpet for the First class folks to walk over Can red rose petals be used as a substitute?; Or maybe the blood from someone sitting in Coach?

GATE LADY: First Class can now board over Phil from Coach’s bloody body. Stay down Phil!

I’m sure most people, including those in First Class, didn’t notice the silly lengths that United went to to make First Class feel…first and Coach feel…last.

Funny thing though. We all landed in Los Angeles just the same. Sure I had a cramp in my neck but I can go get 400 mall massages with the money I saved not flying in first. Maybe that’s the next step…. making people in coach get off the plane a few miles from the airport and walk the tarmac. No carpet of course.

Plum Terrific

I had a plum from the ninety nine cents store that I think came from the Island of Dr. Moreau. Either, this plum was doing an uncanny impression of an apple or some mad scientist is somewhere rubbing his hands together saying…”I’ll make millions!” It had a stem. It was red, with a little brown. It had an apple shape. I was thoroughly impressed. For a second before I ate it I thought about putting my plum on America’s Got Talent……Nah! (Crunch!) Plum out of luck.

Cups…Not Just For Drinking Anymore

I just watched the World Stacking Championship on ESPN. I had never heard of this “sport.” The child competitors literally stacked cups. They did a human interest piece on one of the stackers. He said he’s been stacking for years. He also said he came from a rough place and no one was around to really guide him. I guess he turned to stacking. Clearly no one was around to tell him to stop with all the cup stacking. These kids are going fast as hell. But who decided we needed to compete in cup stacking? Why not see who can unzip their pants first or who can put DVDs in their cases the quickest. I guess it develops eye hand coordination but it also seems to develop OCD. I just saw a 7 year old say he practices cup stacking 4 hours a day. I’m getting nervous just watching it.

7 YEAR OLD ALL GROWN UP : Gotta stack…yeah…Gotta stack.

One girl stacks with her tongue out and she said “it worked for Michael Jordan.”

Once upon a time, i think there was this guy who was not good at any sport. His friends teased him and he finally got fed up and said…

GUY NOT GOOD AT SPORTS: Oh Yeah?! I bet I can stack cups better than you!!...

And a “sport” was born.

Did I mention that it was an international event? It came down to Germany vs USA. The crowd chanted USA..USA.. as a lone German flag waved. I won’t give away the ending.

Don’t believe me
http://www.worldsportstackingassociation.org/

Make sure you watch and read the comments! Hilarious!
You Tube Stacking Clip

A Minor

I went to a Brooklyn Cyclones Baseball game. The Cyclones are the Mets Minor A-league team. Every seat is a good one. The tickets are cheap and best of all the Keyspan Park they play in is in my hometown, Coney Island.

What struck me is that everything about the place is minor league. Obviously the players are. But the players are not as minor as everything else. Every facet of the place reveals a person or entity vying to get to the next level. The whole thing is a big elaborate audition. The umpires want to be in the big time. The say “Striiike!”, a little louder than they need to. The Mascots are a little off. That guy in the hot dog suit would love to be Mr. Met one day. He turns down no pictures…ever. The announcer is more amped than the situation calls for. He’s wants his voice blaring from Yankee Stadium one day. The -sound guy is too active. The “din ni ni ni ni ni…Charge” comes in on non-charging situations. He hopes to be behind the sound board at Dodger stadium. The sponsors are minor league. The banners in the outfield are of companies not big enough to advertise on prime time: Sal’s Transmissions, Bridge Pharmacy…

This desire to be more makes for a great time. They give away more prizes. The mascots come into the stands during the game. You get the feeling that you could just walk out into the field if you want. They have something to prove and try their darnest to prove it to the small audience in attendance. They try harder. It’s like the baseball equivalent to dating a big girl. Sorry big girls. You know I love you. You don’t have to go the extra mile for me…not that you could…I kid, I kid. *

I recommend going to a Minor League game for Major League fun.

Shout out to the Minor League folks with a major league complex. And the winner was me.

*Some of my best friends are big. :-)

Put me in Coach, I’m Ready to Play

Your boy is well traveled but I don’t necessarily travel well. Meaning, I spend most of my flight time in coach. Crying babies, loud Snorers, seat belt extensions…you get the picture. At least it’s not a bus and at least I’m taking 5 hours to go a distance that 150 years ago took 3 months.

My last flight was particular dodgy. I was assigned the dreaded middle seat.

QSN: I once had a middle seat on a flight to Germany. I was stuck between an ex-linebacker and a woman with an over active bladder. Of course Ms Pee-A-Lot sat by the window.

I took the walk of pain to my seat only to realize I was in the last row. Yippie, Two whole inches to recline, now that’s vertical comfort folks?! But as luck would have it, Henry Rollins of the Henry Rollins Band* fame was sitting in the aisle seat next to me. I introduced myself and it was off to the races.

We talked about everything under the sun and the only thing that could have made it more enjoyable would have been the hot towels from first class…ok maybe one of those brownies too. We had first class banter in the last row of coach. Henry hipped me to all types of life game and industry game. I told him how to tell when a melon is at its ripest. (we contribute what we can) Henry has a great career. Hit records, USO Tours, best selling author, a show on the IFC. Henry is so cool that he let his manager sit in First Class. So don’t go thinking Henry is going through a rough patch. He’s just a real dude and not a delicate spoiled rose pedal.

The whole thing kind of validates me driving a stick shift Saturn with manual windows. Henry drives a Subaru by the way... I got money in the bank ‘cause I don’t buy girls drinks….

Shout out to the brother sitting by the window. I hope our talking didn’t stop you from getting your sleep on and please forgive me for breaking the brother “code” by talking to Henry first. I would appreciate it if you didn’t report me.

* Henry Rollins had a huge hit record in the Nineties called “I’m a Liar” it dominated the MTV airwaves for months. But check out all his accomplishments for yourself at http://21361.com/

QSN: Quick Side Note

Copy Cat

I was recently on the set of a commercial shoot with child actors. They kids were great. They reminded me of myself when I was younger, so precocious and filled with wonderment*. As the day went on and everybody got a little loopy, one girl began to mock another adult actor by repeating everything he said in a mocking voice. I almost forgot how effectively you can annoy someone by simply copying them. You can go on forever until the person you’re copying completely loses it or says something disparaging about you. This usually means the game is over, unless you don’t mind saying something bad about yourself.

COPY-EE: Stop it. Cut it out. You Jackass
DWAYNE: Stop it. Cut it out. You Jackass
COPY-EE: Dwayne smells like a turd
DWAYNE: Dwayne smells like a turd
COPYEE: I‘m going to stab you
DWAYNE: I‘m going to stab you
COPY-EE: See, I told you stop messing with me. Now your intestines are spilling out.
DWAYNE: See, I told you stop messing with me. Now your intestines are spilling out.
COPY-EE: Dude, you’re gonna die. I’ll only call 911 if you stop!
DWAYNE: Dude, you’re gonna die. I’ll only call 911 if you stop!

In the above scenario the actor playing Dwayne would die but… it’s funny, the Copy-ee is annoyed as hell and he’s got to explain to the authorities how and why he did it. But maybe he could use that same tactic on the cops, until his lawyer shows up.

COP: Why did you do it?
COPY-EE: Why did you do it?
COP: Speak up punk.
COPY-EE: Speak up punk.
COP: I’m gonna break your face you maggot.
COPY-EE: I’m gonna break your face you maggot.
COP: Fine, Hey Jack, go get the plunger….
COPY-EE: Fine, Hey Jack, go get the…What?!

*Direct quote from Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Shake and Bake..That Just Happened!

Roll With Me

I want to buy a pair of sneakers with the roller blade wheels built in. I know, I know…I’m too old to be gliding across Starbucks. But I’m not “break your hip if you fall” old. I probably should get in some more tumbles before tripping becomes a death sentence. Imagine rolling into a business meeting in a 3 piece suit.

BUSINESS ROLLER: We make this deal or I roll…literally.

Rock…Skate…Roll….Bounce!

She’s Crafty

I can’t believe how many Michael’s craft stores there are in the country. It seems like every strip mall I find myself in has one. I didn’t know America was so crafty. I guess housewives use the time I use blogging to scrapbook and knit. But there’s also a clothing store in every strip mall. So are we knitting or buying people? Why are we doubling our effort? It seems to me the day they came out with machines that make clothes should have been the day we laid down our yarn and needles.* How about doing nothing? I enjoy a little nothing from time to time. I was in central PA one day after Halloween last year and every house was already garbed in thanksgiving paraphernalia. Soccer Moms’ Craft Warfare at its finest.

And I’m not even mentioning all the Mom and Pop craft stores. Who has time to do all this stuff…really?! Then again, I suppose one could get a lot done, if they didn’t spend 4 hours a day on Myspace.

Stay Crafty America!

* Of course I’m not advocating that Grand Ma’s put down their yarn. We need them to make us disproportionate blankets and they need to make them for us. Those Trapezoid blankets come from love.

No Man is an Island*

I returned to my car after visiting a friend to find that I couldn’t find my keys. After an extensive search of his place and the perimeter of my car, I could only conclude that I maybe left the keys in the door and someone had them. I never lock my keys in the car because my base level ’04 Saturn Ion has manual everything. People get in my car and take 2 minutes to figure out how roll the window down. Then they take another minute actually rolling the window down.** I guest-ti-mate that rolling down and up a manual window burns 8 Calories. So my car is like a traveling Gym…when you think about it.

My friend and I went to grab a bite, he drove, to maybe let my mind marinate a bit to figure out where I put the keys. Before we left I looked longingly at my car thinking that would be the last time I saw “Da O–Four.”

After washing down my protein style Double Double** with some Diet Coke, we returned to resume the key hunt. Good news: was the car was still there….whew. Bad news: We still couldn’t find the key. After another solid 10 minutes of our key quest, I noticed a small piece of paper on my windshield. I opened the paper and it was a tiny note that said “Check the Gas Tank!” I did as instructed and alas my keys where there safe and sound. The person took nothing and did not even leave their name or number. Thank you...Person who put my keys in the Gas Tank! Thank you soooo much.

I’m a victim of an R.A.K. (Random Act of Kindness.) I hope to pay it forward in some way or another. Maybe I’ll finally help that African Minister of Finance that’s been sending me email about his 80 Million dollar oil reserve he needs to put into my checking account.

This all happened in Westwood California. Sorry Brooklyn, but if this happened in my hometown, this blog would have been about how I had to buy a monthly metro-card because my car got jacked.

People, People who need People…^

*http://isu.indstate.edu/ilnprof/ENG451/ISLAND/

*http://www.poetry-online.org/donne_for_whom_the_bell_tolls.htm

**Check In and Out burger. Protein style means with no bun wrapped in extra lettuce.
http://inandout.com/

^ People – Popular Barbara Streisand song.
http://www.poemhunter.com/song/people-3/

CAPTAIN LITERAL

I was on a plane and before take off they said “It’s against federal regulations to tamper with, disable or destroy airplane bathroom fire detectors.” Okay….don’t you have to tamper with something to disable it. Furthermore, if you destroy something it’s pretty safe to assume that you’ve also disabled it. (Obi-Wan Kenobi* being the lone exception…”Luke, use the Force”)

Or maybe they’re afraid too many people would use the loophole. Like a mother tells her oldest not to mess with his younger sibling. She returns to find the young child has expired.

KID: You said don’t mess with him… You didn’t say anything about destroying him.

MOM: You got me silly. Now get ready for dinner, we’ll dump your brother later.

(A morbid thought indeed.)

How about just saying “Don’t touch it!”?

CAPTAIN LITERAL: But what about people with telekinesis** ….What if they use gloves or a bat…they could just spit on it or pour a water…that’s not touching…

Captain Literals are tampering with, disabling and destroying America

* Obi-Wan Kenobi: Guy from Star Wars movie who guided Luke Sky Walker even after Darth Vader destroyed him.

**Telekinesis: the power to move something by thinking about it without the application of physical force

Round Mound of Rebound

Why is Dwayne Wade so pressed to be in Charles Barkley's 5?!

more importantly

What's up Charles' ass that he can't add one of the NBA's best to his five?

even more importantly

What exactly is a five?

Then again, I'm the guy who never understood why the rabbit couldn't have any Trix. It was his damn cereal. He was on the cover for crying out loud. That would be like banning Oprah from reading the 'O' magazine.

I'm actually not allowed to look at my blog page. So let's keep this between us.

Yoda Slow Yo

I watched Star Wars Episode 2: “Attack of the Clones” again this week. It’s my favorite of the prequels. No hate mail please. I’m sure your favorite is good too and you have compelling reasons why. The one thought I kept having through the movie was “How come they can’t tell the Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is behind all strife in the force/universe.” (QSN: I always try to have at least on slash in all my recurring thoughts :0))

It’s easy to track evil, just follow the money. Palpatine has the most to gain from all the madness. He very humbly and reluctantly accepts total control of the senate until they “figure things out.” Whoever gains the most is probably who you should blame the most. (QSN: Jesse Jackson would be proud :D)) You should always follow the money and power. Not to mention Palpatine’s evil sneer, that insincere smirk and above all else… the beady eyes! Beady eyes are beady for a reason. They get stuck that way from years of rubbing your hands together and plotting the demise of others’. It’s hard to plan someone’s demise without squinting your eyes. Go ahead and try. But look throughout history, no traitor or sneaky person ever had wide-open, inviting eyes. Unless they were those really big scary eyes which is probably the person over compensating for their natural beady eyes.

So Yoda and company can sense things hundreds of miles away, move objects without touching them, put thoughts into people’s heads but completely miss beady eyes!

Good thing nothing like that could happen in real life.

Let the nerd jokes begin :-)

QSN: Quick Side Note

Throw Some….

The song “Throw Some D’s on that Bitch” is my new favorite guilty pleasure. And now that Kanye West is on the remix, it’s on for real. The original song was about putting- excuse me- throwing rims on a car (twenty inch rims to be exact) Kanye’s verse is about girls getting fake boobs (size D cups to be exact.) Not sure if you know this but every time you listen to “Throw Some D’s…” you loose .278 IQ points. But ahh it’s so worth it. You know what the song also has become?…You guessed it, my response to everything. It’s so much fun. Even if it makes no sense; in your next conversation with a friend make “throwing D’s” your response to anything.

FRIEND: I think my dog is sick.
YOU: Have you tried throwing some D’s on that bitch
FRIEND: Huh?

FRIEND2: I think Barack Obama has a real shot at this thing.
YOU: I like his chances more if he throws some D’s on that bitch
FRIEND2: What?!

WIFE: You never take me out anymore!
HUSBAND: C’mon honey. Why just last week I threw some D’s on that Bitch.

Hours of enjoyment!

On a side note:

It’s good to see all areas of the country acknowledged by hip hop. Dirty South, East Coast, West Coast, Mid West, hell even Toronto in a few songs. But no one ever shouts out the Pacific North West. The 8 black people in Montana feel left out. And I don’t know about you but my posse stays on Broadway.

Hotel? Do Tell

Recently, I spend a few days in the Grange hotel in Toronto. I found this jewel on hotels.com it was the cheapest place that had all the amenities I wanted (mainly parking and internet.) The place was great. But I definitely got the feel that this was an apartment building with a few non-rented units they decided to pimp out.

There were mail boxes in the lobby. I saw a guy in flip flops coming down to check his mail. Another couple had groceries, but way too much crap for a short hotel stay. Another guy, had his dog in the elevator to go for a walk. And not the cute dogs you carry around in a bag, a huge stay at home dog with dripping tongue and all. My room had a kitchenette and the iron was in the hallway. We had to share. I felt like I was staying in a commune without the ideology.

ME: I’ll have the communal lifestyle and … could you hold the sing-a-longs.

It was kind of like renting a car from someone’s house. Maybe Mavis instead of Avis.

MAVIS: Well, no one is using that Corolla in the driveway. How about I let you use that for a few days? You gonna be needin’ the coverage baby?

Happy New Year Bozo

There’s a radio station in Los Angeles that’s encouraging people to call in and say what resolutions they’ve already broken. It’s one of these Jack stations. They play what they want. They take no requests. Don’t even think about making a request. Somehow they still play the same 30 songs over and over, mainly classic rock, with a sprinkle of random songs from the other genres. It’s odd how a station that can play “anything” would repeat the same song even in a 4 day span. Out of thousands of popular songs you play the same 100 songs?! But I digress.

I guess it’s cool to break resolutions and it’s funny for everyone to share their failures. So, dressing failure up in a funny costume makes it okay? If a clown knocks on your door and punches you in the face when you answer, does the fact that it’s a clown make your black eye heal quicker? Kind of like if a tree falls in the woods… Maybe someone reading this has been punched by a clown. If so, I just hope Bozo didn’t put his body into it. Clearly resolutions are basically a wish list and you shouldn’t feel bad if you falter on your quest. But if on January 2nd you’re already glib about not reaching your goals, then why make them in the first place. It’s better for your mental psyche if you just don’t make any at all. Then, at least you haven’t failed. Making fun of breaking them is like hookers who try to convince you they love their job and are getting paid to do what they love. Yeah right, and is that the reason Pretty Woman is 8 out of ten hooker’s favorite movie. So, Happy New Year everyone! Don’t get down on yourself if your resolutions fall through the cracks but why not give it the college try. Of course, now that I’ve written this, I have to do the same. :-)

It’s never too late to be what you could have been…

Royal Flush

Can we please not get too ahead of ourselves with the whole auto-flushing toilets? I’m all for them but please leave the manual flush option. More and more I’m running into toilets, with no manual flush, that flush when they want to. The problem is when they want to is sometimes not when you want to and definitely not when the guy in the next stall over wants them to. We have to keep the courtesy flush in play, not only for thy neighbor but also for thyself. I know I don’t want sit over my toxic offerings. If we lose the courtesy flush then we have to answer all the intestinal questions/comments:

Are you Okay?
Did something die inside of you?
Maybe you should try fasting…indefinitely

I’m green with concern for the earth but we can find other ways to save water:

Cut the water off when you brush your teeth.
In the shower rinse, cut off water, lather, cut on water and rinse off
Fill your water balloons just half way

Whatever we do, let’s keep up the courtesy. Flush America.

Shot Gun Run

I recently saw a very scary billboard while driving in central Pennsylvania. There was a picture of a diamond necklace and the copy read “How much did his last shot gun cost?” His last shot gun?! How many guns does a person need? I guess this sign’s purpose is to encourage wives to make the case to their husbands’ that instead of buying that last shotgun he could have bought her jewelry. It’s also meant to guilt trip the men into buying the misses something purrty. Basically it poses the question is your wife more important than a gun. But didn’t these girls know what they were getting into.

HUSBAND: Baby you knew I was about my shotguns when I met you. We met in the shot gun Aisle!

I say we should put diamonds on the guns. Kill two birds with one shotgun. Put some bling on your bang! Buy your little Bonnie a cute handgun with a diamond studded handle. The note could read “ With Love…Clyde”

I would have stopped and taken a picture of this billboard but I couldn’t stop driving anywhere that question needs to be asked. I’ve seen too many late night movies where some city slicker makes a wrong turn and ends up squealing like a pig. And much to the Yankee’s chagrin, the local judge is also the cousin of the sheriff who is the brother of the guy who knocked him out and fondled his girlfriend. So I kept driving and set my cruise control right at the speed limit. I didn’t want to speed and have to meet the sheriff who’s kin to the judge…

You Have the Right to Remain Quenched

I was walking on Larchmont Ave. in the Larchmont section of Los Angeles. The 3 block stretch is probably the quaintest section of the whole city. It’s a place where people walk around with Yoga mats as if they were brief cases. I counted 6 mats in a 10 minute span but I did not see a Yoga studio anywhere. I guess you always have to be prepared. You never know when you’ll have to break out some downward dog on a fool. As I walked I spotted 4 police officers sitting in front of a Jamba Juice enjoying smoothies. I don’t want to paint our boys in blue into a box but could they not find a respectable donut shop. I have some criminal friends and I sleep better at night knowing they can out run most donut eating, coffee drinking out of shape cops on the beat. You haven’t seen police brutality until you’ve seen an irritated officer interrupted from a refreshing Tropical Awakening smoothie. The visual of a cop experiencing brain freeze just doesn’t make me feel safe. I would give 3 to 1 odds that at least 2 of them have headshots.

OFFICER: You have the right to cast me in any films or TV shows you may be producing. If you give up that right any parking tickets you have can and will be used against you…